Father to son after the exam: Let me see your report card.
Son: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his father.
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I
might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would
you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter
snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student,
shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
AT A high-school faculty meeting, the principal had presented an agonizing list of our
sins, failures, flaws and transgressions, and we were all feeling rather tense. Then the
principal announced that the science club project would be a blood drive, and that in
order to promote faculty participation he would donate the first pint of blood. The
meeting burst into laughter when a voice from the back of the room demanded anxiously,
"Whose?"
As A big-city school teacher, I became familiar with the
importance my students placed on such things as roller skates, stereophonic radios and
record players, and ten-speed bicycles. But when I moved to the mountains to teach
in a tiny country school, I found I had a lot more to learn. One of my Grade IX
students pleaded with me to give him good marks. "If you don't, " he told
me miserably, "I know Pa will take away my portable power saw."
THE high-school science class was checking over a test they
had taken. Commenting on one item, the teacher remarked, "This question was
designed to make you think!" From the back of the class came, "Trick
question! Trick question!"
THE opening of home-economics classes to boys several years
ago brought new experiences to Donna O'Bryant, a teacher at Dowling High School in West
Des Moines, Iowa. During one class, four football players asked, after rolling out a
crust, "How do you get it into the pan?" Since that had already been
discussed, she replied, "That's your problem. Figure it out." And so
they did. "One, two, three, hut!" While one held the inverted pie
tin on the rolled-out crust, the other three picked up the table and turned it over in
midair. Out from under the table came a perfectly centered piecrust. The
following day the anonymous pies were judged. Guess which won first prize!
OUR high-school principal has each teacher report class
attendance over the intercom. The instructor must state the number of students
present by gender. For example, "I have fourteen boys and thirteen girls in
attendance." One day our principal was more than a little miffed at having to
remind several teachers of the correct procedure. He was apparently somewhat
forgetful too, when he checked on the girls' physical education instructor. "I have
twenty-seven pupils present, sir," she announced. "Lady," he shouted
through the intercom, "I need sex!"
MY SCHOOL'S superintendent looked rather downcast as he read
a note. "A complaint from an irate parent?" I offered sympathetically.
"No, it's from the home-economics teacher. I returned a dish to her
classroom yesterday and noticed a list of words on the board. Braise was spelled
incorrectly, so I left her a note. This is her response: 'Dear Mr. Ross - Thank you
for calling my attention to the misspelled word on my blackboard. Not everyone knows
how to spell that word. However, if you had looked closer you would have noticed
that they were all misspelled. It was a spelling test.' "
MY GRADE 10 English students had spent several weeks on their research papers, and the
moment of truth had arrived — the papers were due. I knew that Gene had not been
working very hard on the assignment and that it probably would not be up to standard. When
I went to collect it from him, he said, "My dog ate it." Having heard that
excuse dozens of times, I gave him my best intimidating teacher glare. "It's
true," he insisted. "I had to force him, but he ate it."
A student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize
at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how
conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of
everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding
strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide."
And
for plenty of good reasons, since:
1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients
He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.
Forty-three (43) said yes,
six (6) were undecided,
and only one (1) knew that the chemical was water.
The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?"
He feels the conclusion is obvious.