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Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.
Sing like nobody's listening.
Live like it's Heaven on Earth.

Confucius says:

"passionate kiss like spider's web - soon lead to undoing of Fly"

"baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk."

"woman who wears g-string, high on crack."

"wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house."

"man who fight with wife all day, get no peace at night."

"it takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill It."

"man who bounce woman on bed spring this spring have Offspring next spring."

"a man with his hands in pockets feels foolish, but a man With holes in pockets feels nuts."

DON'T be too hard on our politicians. Many of them are doing the work of two men - Laurel and Hardy.

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
George Carlin

Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet.
Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the
only time of the month that I can be myself.

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
Billy Crystal

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"
Dave Barry

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental , where, of course, men are just grateful.
Jay Leno

I am not the "boss" of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job   and I don't want it.
Bill Cosby

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. 
Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough  attention to women's breasts?
Jay Leno

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
Elayne Boosler

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men  are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause  severe swelling. So what's the problem?
Jay Leno

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't  think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
Jerry Seinfield

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
George Carlin

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
Jeff Foxworthy

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Robin William.

RODNEY DANGERFIELD didn't get any respect as a child. Says Rodney, "My family never bought a pumpkin - they made me stand in the window."

Why did the chicken cross the road???

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

L.A. POLICE DEPARTMENT: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes!  The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was an historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why?  The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released Chicken Coop 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book and explorer is an inextricable part of the operating system.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by Chicken?  Could you define chicken please?

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed together.   The chicken is looking very happy and relaxed and smiling while smoking its cigarette.  The egg, however, is not quite so happy. If fact, the egg is looking more than a little mad.  The egg looks over at the chicken and rolls it's eyes and says aloud to no one in particular:

"Well, I guess we just answered THAT question."

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Last updated September 27, 2015 by Becquet Enterprises