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Newly Weds


THREE COUPLES, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." 
   The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
   The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."
   "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.  The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?
   "The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
   "No, Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
   "You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.  "We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore, either."

    A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"
   "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before!  I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!"
   "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down!  Tell me, what could be so awful?  What 4-letter words?"
   "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
   "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
   Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"

   A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.
   An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.
   The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.
   "Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love."
   The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window?  They're choking my ducks!"

Once upon a time there lived a women who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted here weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was a picture of innocence when her husband returned. Apologizing for taking so long on the phone, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold . . . "S U R P R I S E!!!!" There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a Happy Birthday!!!!

OUR nephew had married a beautiful Hawaiian woman he met when they were attending a school on the mainland. A year later they flew to Hawaii to introduce Tom to Geri's family.  In the islands, it is customary for relatives to line up at the airport arrival gate and greet family members with leis and kisses. Tom responded with enthusiasm. Later, nearly smothered in leis, he sought out Geri in the crowd. "That was some reception," he exclaimed. "The women got more beautiful and kissier as I went down the line. But what happened to you?"   "Nothing," Geri said, giggling. "I quit when we reached the last of my relatives. You worked your way through another entire family!"

ON A visit to my wife's native England for our honeymoon, we arrived at London's Gatwick Airport. Tania headed for the British-passport control line while I, a Canadian, waited in the foreigners' line. When my turn came, the customs officer asked me the purpose of my visit.  "Pleasure," I replied. "I'm on my honeymoon." The officer looked first to one side of me, then the other.   "That's very interesting, sir," he said as he stamped my passport. "Most men bring their wives with them."

AS NEWLYWEDS, my husband and I lived in a tiny trailer.   There was no room for a television set, and we got into the habit of reading or listening to the radio before going to bed.  After we moved into our first house, my father-in-law offered to buy a TV set as a housewarming gift.  We thanked him but declined, saying that with good books, music and hobbies, we always had too many other things to do in the evenings.  Nevertheless, he periodically renewed his offer over the next few years.  The day we called my in-laws to tell them that our fourth child was on the way, Pop got in the last word.  After a stunned silence, he asked, "Are you really sure you wouldn't rather watch television?"

WHEN my brother and his wife got married, both were university students and money was scarce.  My parents visited them and were ushered into a living room bare of furniture.  They were graciously invited to sit on boxes of books and boards - under signs that optimistically proclaimed 'couch,' 'armchair' and 'rocker.'

ONE night my husband took his mother and me to a movie.   We were enjoying the film until a very explicit bedroom love scene flashed on the screen.  Embarrassed, I wondered what my mother-in-law must be thinking.  Just then I felt a hand touch mine. With her eyes still glued to the screen, my mother-in-law whispered, "Lovely sheets.  I wonder where she got them."

WHEN my husband and I were first married, he moonlighted doing re-modeling work in people's homes.  One day we stopped by at the house of an elderly couple he worked for, and the husband joyfully insisted that we join them for some ice cream and cake because it was their 50th anniversary. "Fifty years!"  I exclaimed. "That's a long time with one person!"  "It would have been a lot longer without her," the husband replied.

A FELLOW had lived at home for 43 years and wouldn't wed for fear of his mother's reaction.  Then he met Mary.  After a brief courtship, they eloped.  For a year they kept the marriage secret.  Finally Mary insisted that he tell his mother.  When he did, the elderly woman was furious.   "Mother," he asked fearfully, "don't you approve?"   "A fine thing," cried the mother. "You and Mary have been married a year, and I'm still doing your shirts!"

ONE afternoon shortly after I was married, the phone rang. "Collect call from Dorothy," said the operator. "Will you accept the charges?"  Because I couldn't think of anyone named Dorothy, I said no and hung up.  The phone rang again a moment later. "Hi, Brenda, it's Dorothy," said the familiar voice. "Your mother-in-law."

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Last updated May 19, 2008 by Becquet's Custom Programming