ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
POSTULATES
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and
love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and try not to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with
her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, young man entered.
He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away
from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward them. Before she could offer her apologies
for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no
matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young
man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from
her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she gladly pressed into the young man's hand. She looked deeply into his
eyes and slowly and meaningfully said...
"Clean my house."
A WOMAN is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her
husband's best friend. They "entertain themselves" for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it's her house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover
watches her and listens intently, only hearing her side of the conversation.
Speaking in a cheery voice, she says,
"Hello? Oh, hi! I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's
wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific! Great!
Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover
asks, "Who was that?" "Oh," she replies,
"that was my husband. He was telling me all about the wonderful time
he's having on his fishing trip with you.
A woman is trying to board a
bus, but her skirt is too tight and she can't step up. She reaches behind her and lowers
the zipper a bit and tries again. Skirt's still too tight. She reaches behind her and
lowers the zipper some more. She still can't get on and lowers the zipper a third time.
Suddenly, she feels two hands on her butt, trying to push her up onto the bus. She spins
around and says very indignantly, "Sir, I do not know you well enough for you to do
that!!" The man responds, "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip
my fly three times either!"
A WOMAN in our drafting unit was promoted to supervisor, and some older male workers
were having difficulty accepting her authority. While she instructed one such subordinate,
he interrupted, "Young lady, I'm old enough to be your father." "And,"
she replied, "I'm old enough to be your supervisor!"
I WAS the only woman working as a scuba diver with eight men on a salvage ship. Once
while I was on deck reading a book about feminism, one of my coworkers asked, "What's
it about?" "It's a history of attitudes about women," I replied. He looked
somewhat surprised, and then asked, "It took that many pages?"
AFTER several years of marriage, a friend of mine learned that — at last her
pregnancy test was positive. In great excitement, she called her husband. A new man in her
husband's office answered the phone. Mr. Osgood had stepped out. Could he take a message?
My friend, who had kept her own surname when she married, said breathlessly, "This is
Donna Hessney. Tell him he's going to be a father!" The man hesitated, and then said,
"I realize this is none of my business, but did you know that Mr. Osgood is a married
man?"
SEVERAL years ago, when I worked at a telephone company, my boss introduced me to Ken,
a new addition to our group. Ken misunderstood my name and said, "Nice to meet you,
Peggy." I decided not to embarrass him, planning to correct him later. However, an
opportunity never arose. Finally I went into his office. "Ken," I said,
"I've been meaning to tell you this for almost two months now. My name isn't Peggy.
It's Patti." After a long pause, he replied, "Well, my name is Ben.
MY JOB as a stockbroker requires that I call strangers on the telephone. One morning I
dialed a pediatrician's office and, when a woman answered, I asked to speak to Dr. Brown.
"I am the doctor," she said icily, and then proceeded to lecture me on outdated
attitudes toward female professionals. Nevertheless, she let me give my sales presentation
and then commented "That sounds interesting. Tell the broker I'd like to set up an
appointment with him." There was silence, followed by laughter when I told her,
"I am the broker."
As THE manager of an art gallery, I am frequently left in charge when the owner goes
out of town on business. I take pride in making the decisions, but time and again my
confidence is undercut when someone asks to speak to the person in charge, even after I
have explained that I am the manager. One day a man came in and asked the where abouts of
the owner. I identified myself as the manager and asked what I could do for him. He
glanced around the room, then demanded, "When will the owner be back?" By that
time I had lost my patience entirely and I replied firmly, "Look, I am the manager
and the only person in the gallery right now. Can I help you?" "Yes," he
said, leaning across the counter and straightening his sunglasses. "Give me all the
money in the cashbox."
MY DIRECTOR'S secretary called to invite my staff to an office party. The women
employees, she told me, were to prepare a covered dish, and the men were to contribute
$2.50. Annoyed, I asked if the men could bring food too. "Oh, I suppose they
could," she replied hesitantly, "but it wouldn't be fair to ask them."
"Why not?" I challenged. "Well, how could they?" she said. "Most
of their wives work."
ALTHOUGH many men in our rural area have difficulty
accepting women's lib, my husband helps with the housework. One day he took over the
vacuuming while I went to the store.
The doorbell rang. It was one of his friends - a burly ranch foreman clad in a
battered cowboy hat, faded jeans and worn boots. "I was just cleaning," my
husband said somewhat abashed, turning off the vacuum.
The rancher looked relieved. "That's all right," he said gruffly, handing
my husband a white paper bag." I'm delivering Avon!"
OUR company president, a conservative fatherly type who
either patronizes women or intimidates them, conducts interviews for all management
positions himself. When such an opening came up, the personnel manager told the president,
"I can send you the two top candidates or, if you like, the top male and the top
female." "What is this?" the president shouted, "a job interview or
Noah's Ark? Just send in the best two candidates and forget all this equal-opportunity
bunk." Both applicants arrived for their interviews in smartly tailored suits —
complete with skirts.
LATE for work, I dashed towards my office building.
When I got to the door, a man behind me unexpectedly reached over my shoulder and pushed
it open. Thrown off-balance, I stumbled inside and fell.
The man helped me up. My embarrassment quickly dissolved when he exclaimed,
"Now I know why feminists don't want us to open doors for them!"
MY HUSBAND and I spent the first three years of our marriage
trying to adjust to the new feminism. Never was this more evident than when we were doing
the shopping for our newly purchased house. I was waiting at the check-out when he
approached carrying two lawn rakes. "When are we ever going to need a second
rake?" I asked. He smiled sweetly and replied, "Every time we need the
first."
MODERN-DAY men try hard not to be chauvinistic -- like
the judge during a recent jury selection. Feelings were tense as my husband and the
other prospective jurors filed into court. Finally the judge turned and addressed the
first person, a pleasant-looking woman, and asked, "Is it Miss, Mrs. or
Ms.?" The woman broke the tension when she replied confidently, "It's
Doctor."
OBSERVING how a friend of ours was dominating her
husband, my own husband stated, "Marriages are all alike. Haven't you noticed how one
spouse always leads and the other follows?" Contemplating our situation, I
said, "I guess that's what makes our marriage so interesting." He replied,
"Right. After fifteen years we're still jockeying for position!"
OPERATORS of private planes often fly into a nearby
airport and spend the night at the hotel where I work. This time a family of four - a man,
his wife, their son and the son's grandmother - had flown in to attend a wedding. As
they were registering I asked the man if he would need fuel for the airplane. He replied
that he wasn't sure since he was not the pilot. Embarrassed at my error, I turned to the
wife and said, "These days I shouldn't assume anything." She stopped me in the
middle of my apology and said, "I'm not the pilot either." At this point
the pilot introduced herself. It was grandma.
WHEN he retired, my father decided to learn to sew and was
the only man enrolled in the night-school class. He experienced some awkward moments in
the early lessons with measurements and fitting patterns, but didn't think that threading
a sewing machine would bring the class to a standstill. The women watched in amazement as
he hefted the sewing machine up to the light in one hand while holding the thread in the
other, squinting to find the eye of the needle.
WHEN my friend got a job, her husband agreed to share the
housework. He was stunned by the amount of effort involved in keeping a house clean with
small boys to pick up after, and insisted that he and his wife shop for a new vacuum
cleaner. The salesman gave them a demonstration of the latest model. "It comes
equipped with all the newest features, "he assured them. The husband was not
convinced. "Don't you have a riding one?" he asked grimly.
ONE of the busiest times for a meat-department manager in a
supermarket occurs when there is a sale on particular cuts. When we put cross-rib roasts
on sale one day the result was predictable. I'd bring out a cart of roasts and before I
could get them on display, women customers were jostling for their share. Three times I
returned with a cart of roasts and three times they were gone before I got to the counter.
The fourth time out I noticed that a man who had quietly been watching began to approach
my cart. He elbowed his way in, pushing and shoving, and finally grasped a roast. Before
he could retreat from the crush, an irate woman glared at him and said, "Sir, how
about being a gentleman!" The fellow turned and said, "Ma'am, for twenty minutes
I've been a gentleman, now I'm going to be a lady!" And with that he smiled, took his
roast and walked away.
AS THE new assistant director in our agency, I was having
trouble establishing myself as someone in charge. In-coming calls for our department were
always referred to my boss, Pat. Should she be out of the office, the receptionists would
take a message rather than feed the call to me. Finally I had a talk with the people
involved, telling them, "Just think of Pat and me as one and the same person."
Confident that I had resolved the problem, I returned to my desk. A few minutes later the
intercom buzzed and a receptionist said, "Hi, Ken — your husband is on line
three."
A FRIEND of mine, with excellent credentials, applied for a
high-level position with a leading firm. At the interview, however, after admitting that
her resume was outstanding and her qualifications were exceptional, the firm's president
turned her down, saying, "I prefer men." "So do I," she answered.
"But what's your excuse?"