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Becquet.ca features . . . Jokes from all over!



A rather attractive woman goes up to the cash register in a restaurant.  She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers.  When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red. "Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. I'm just the manager."   "Can you get him for me?  I need to speak to him." she asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.  "I'm afraid I can't", breathes the manager clearly aroused, "he's in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message." she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

I WORK at a drive-through window at a fast-food restaurant. One morning a customer pulled up and said, "Two sausage biscuits, please." No sooner had I finished taking the order than I heard the frantic barking of his dog. "Oh, excuse me," came the apologetic voice of the man. "Make that three sausage biscuits."

A FRIEND lunching at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had been set with forks, not chopsticks. He asked why. The waiter said chopsticks were provided only on request. "But," the man countered, "if you gave your patrons chopsticks, you wouldn't have to pay someone to wash all the forks." "True," the waiter shot back, "but we would have to hire three more people to clean up the mess."

I WAS a waiter in a highway restaurant, and as usual at lunch time we were busy. Six people were waiting to be seated, and my table for six had not yet been cleared. The head waitress asked, "Would you like to wait on the customers or strip the table of its dirty dishes?" Before I could answer, she made the decision and in front of the customers said, "You wait and I'll strip."

MY DAUGHTER was working the car service window at a fast-food restaurant. "May I take your order?" she said into the intercom. Replied a voice: "Hamburger, cheeseburger, double cheeseburger, deluxe burger, small and large roast beef, turkey club, chicken sandwich, regular fries, large fries, apple pie, chocolate shake, vanilla shake, strawberry shake, Coke, diet Coke, 7UP and orange soda." The workers made up the large order and filled several bags. When the customer drove up to the window and was given her bill, she was stunned. "But I haven't ordered yet," she said. "I was reading the menu to my little girl."

DURING my first year in university, I worked in a steak house. A middle-aged man came in alone one day and took an obvious interest in me. When he had finished his coffee, I asked if he cared for a refill. "No," he replied, and gave me a big wink. "But I sure would like what goes with it!" "Here," I shot back. "Live it up!" And I handed him two containers of coffee creamer.

WE WERE standing in line outside a busy restaurant. The harried hostess was checking to find out how many people were in each group. "Party of two," the woman behind us said to her, "and could we please have Michelle?"  Annoyed looks turned to knowing smiles when she added, "Michelle is my daughter, and just once in my life I want her to wait on me!"

I WAS working the lunch shift at a well-known hamburger franchise when I overheard a little girl remark to her mother as they were leaving, "What do they mean when they say, 'They do it all for you'? We had to stand in line, carry our food to the table, clean off the table and dump the garbage."

A STRANGER was leaving a restaurant when he was addressed by a small, shy man. "Excuse me," he said, "are you Dr. John Smithers from Vancouver?"   "No," the puzzled stranger replied.  "Well, I am, and you're wearing his raincoat

MY COLLEAGUES and I eagerly awaited the opening of a new East Indian restaurant close to our office, and on opening day we were first in line for the buffet lunch.  As I helped myself to a generous portion of meat curry, I smiled at the owner, who was hovering close by to ensure that everything was satisfactory.   "You are our very first customers," he said, to which I replied, "Ah, guinea pigs, eh?"  "No, no," he replied quickly, "it's beef."

WE WENT to breakfast at a restaurant where the special was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $ 1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."  "Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.  "You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."  "How do you want your eggs?"  "Raw and in the shell," was my wife's reply. She took the two eggs home.

A FRIEND of mine took his aunt to lunch at a favorite restaurant where, he had boasted, there was fine food and conviviality. Much to his distress, a boisterous group was seated at the table next to them, and my friend and his guest got an earful of spicy conversation and four-letter words throughout the meal. Afterward, my friend apologized profusely.  His aunt was unperturbed. "Why that sort of thing doesn't bother me a bit," she exclaimed. "I'm on cable, you know."

AS a transient portrait photographer, I lived in hotels and ate in restaurants.  After sampling the same restaurant fare, time and again, I found that nothing seemed appealing.  One day I had an idea.  Though it wasn't listed on the menu, I asked the waitress if the chef could prepare one of my favourite dishes, one I hadn't eaten since I started working on the road.  A little later the smiling chef came out carrying a plate.  "This is the first time in the twenty years I've been a chef," he said, "that someone has asked for a peanut butter and jam sandwich."

OUR family often dines at a Chinese restaurant, where fortune cookies are a high point of the visit.  One evening I was dismayed to find that I had received a defective cookie - there was no message enclosed.  Thinking I would get a free second treat, I called the owner over and explained that my fortune cookie contained no fortune.  He smiled and exclaimed, "No news is good news!"  And disappeared into the kitchen.

I WENT to a restaurant one day recently wearing a shirt with the designer's signature on the right sleeve.  As I stood in line to wait for a table, a gentleman standing next to me tapped me on the shoulder. Pointing to the label, he said, "Nice name."  Then, in a curious tone, he asked, "What do you call your other arm?"

ON A business trip to Osaka, Japan, my partner and I decided to treat ourselves to dinner at one of the finer restaurants. It was decorated in red and white, most of the white being the thick shag carpet that covered not only the floor but also the walls and the ceiling.  After a delicious meal, I was relaxing over coffee when suddenly I sneezed and blew my partial front plate across the restaurant. It landed somewhere in the deep white shag.  Sheepishly, I told one of the Japanese waitresses what had happened. Soon all the waitresses and waiters were on their hands and knees looking through the carpet - even some of the customers joined the search.  My partner and I were extremely embarrassed. After what seemed a long time, one of the waitresses approached carrying a large silver tray covered by a rounded silver lid. With a graceful little bow, she lifted the lid and there were my teeth. To the applause of the customers and the staff, I bowed and took them off the tray.

ONE day while living in Sheffield, England, I walked my dog Sheba to the local fish-and-chips shop to buy dinner. I noticed a sign outside the shop saying NO DOGS ALLOWED. As I was tying Sheba to a nearby post the saleswoman shouted that it was all right to bring my dog inside. I pointed to the sign, and she answered, "That's all right, love, that's just for dogs on their own!"

FOR months I used to go to the same restaurant every Sunday morning and order pancakes for breakfast. Although "three large pancakes" was listed on the menu, I always ordered just two. One day I asked the waitress if it was an inconvenience to them to give me just the two pancakes instead of three. "Oh, no," she replied, "the cook loves you. Every time you come in, he gets a pancake."

WHILE sitting in a local restaurant studying the menu, Shirley and I, friends since childhood, were lamenting our increasing lack of short-term memory. Shirley grumbled, "I wish they'd hurry with our dinner."  Astonished, I looked at her. "But Shirl, we haven't ordered yet!"

WHEN a colleague was leaving, we decided to throw a farewell luncheon. I made reservations for 30 people at a popular restaurant.  On the day of the event the place was crowded, but we were immediately seated. People who had been lining up for a table seemed unhappy, and we thought we heard some disgruntled comments.   Our suspicions were soon confirmed when a restaurant employee announced their table was ready over the loud-speaker: "Starving - party of four"

DINING with a friend, a man explained the peculiarities of the restaurant he'd chosen: "The waiters never admit they don't have something. They'll take your order for a slice of sun and go away as if they mean to get it -- then they'll come back and say they just ran out." To prove his point, he called over the waiter: "I'll have a double order of dinosaur, please."  "Yes, sir," answered the waiter. "And how would you like it?"  "Well done!"  The waiter left and returned quickly. "I'm sorry, sir, but we've just run out of dinosaur."  "What?" said the diner with feigned disappointment. "No dinosaur?"  The waiter lowered his voice. "Well, we do have some left," he said confidentially "but it's not very fresh and I won't serve it!"

FOR months my husband and I, both attorneys, met each Wednesday for lunch at a small French restaurant. The reservations were always for the same fireside table and, depending on whose secretary made the call, were in either my husband's name, Gallagher, or mine, McAneny. One Wednesday, late from court, I rushed into the restaurant, brushed past the line of hungry patrons, and hurriedly asked the maitre d' if my husband had arrived. With the savoir-faire that only a true Frenchman could muster, he took me aside and in a hushed voice replied, "No, madame. But Mr. Gallagher is here waiting at the table."

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall:


When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

THE fried-chicken restaurant where I was working had a big rush just before closing one day, leaving us with nothing to sell but wings. As I was about to lock the doors, a quietly intoxicated customer came inside and ordered dinner. When I asked if wings would be all right, he leaned over the counter and replied, "Lady, I came in here to eat, not fly."

AT A restaurant where I worked, a group of four sat at a table and ordered drinks while they read their menus. When I brought the refreshments, one slipped from my fingers, landed back on my tray but then toppled, spilling its contents onto one of the customers. After the initial shock of the cold drink soaking her, the customer immediately exclaimed, "Looks like this round's on me!

MY HUSBAND, Michael, and I were at a restaurant with his boss, a rather stern older man. When Michael began a tale I was sure he had told before, I gave him a kick under the table. There was no response, so I gave him another poke. Still the story went on. Suddenly he stopped, grinned and said, "Oh, but I've told you this one before, haven't I?"   We all chuckled and changed the subject.  Later, on the dance floor, I asked my husband why it had taken him so long to get my message. "What do you mean?" he replied. "I cut the story off as soon as you kicked me."  "But I kicked you twice, and it still took you awhile to stop!"  Suddenly we realized what had happened. Sheepishly we returned to our table. The boss smiled and said, "Don't worry. After the second one I figured it wasn't for me, so I passed it along!"

IN A little restaurant an angry regular customer called the manager. "Look," he shouted. "The portions of your daily special are getting smaller and smaller." "A simple optical illusion, sir," replied the manager. "It's only because we've enlarged the dining room."

THE small, family-type Terrace View Restaurant on the Patricia Bay Highway leading out of Victoria has been burgled a reported 34 times. On the last few occasions the thieves even made off with cutlery and dishes.  Some time later when I was passing by I noticed the eatery had a prominent new sign: THE BREAK INN.

WE HAD just moved from Toronto to a small town in the Maritime Provinces.  After a tiring day of putting our new home in order, my wife and I realized we hadn't eaten since breakfast.  I telephoned a nearby restaurant to order a pizza.  The young woman who answered the phone asked if I wanted a small, medium or large pizza.  I asked how many pieces were in a medium, and a muffled discussion followed.  Then she replied, "The chef says as many as you want."

WE HAD stopped at a highway restaurant. The waitress took a customer's order and was walking to the kitchen when she realized she'd forgotten something.
She turned around and hollered "You wanna roll with your dinner?"
"No, thanks," the customer replied. "I'll just sit here and eat it."

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Last updated May 19, 2008 by Becquet's Custom Programming