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Police Jokes


Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?!  What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder 

1. All the DNA is the same. 
2. There are no dental records.

   A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. 
   The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." 
   The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" 
   "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

MY FATHER, when he was a police officer, was manning the radar device one day. Suddenly a car came whipping down the highway. Spying the police car, the driver stomped on the brakes and screeched to a halt. He leapt out and ran to the cruiser, threw a cigar in the window, and then tore back to his car and took off in a cloud of dust. On the cigar was printed, IT'S A GIRL.

OUR small town was recruiting for the police force, and women were encouraged to apply. Since I had studied criminal law in college, I considered applying. My husband was not enthusiastic. One day when we were in the car, still arguing about whether I should apply, my husband spotted an officer directing traffic. "Officer!" he shouted. "Will you please tell my wife why the police force is no place for a lady?" The traffic officer turned around and strode purposefully toward us. "Tell your wife what?" she asked, removing her hat to reveal a cascade of curls. I submitted my application that same afternoon.

AT ROLL call one morning, the sergeant of the Ottawa parking-meter patrol announced the police were searching for three stolen vehicles. On duty later a patrol member called his dispatcher to say he had spotted one of the cars, and was patched into the police frequency. The police asked him to keep it in sight until they could get to him. Five minutes passed before police called back to see if he still had the vehicle in sight. "Yes," he replied, "it's now at the corner of Bank and Queen streets." After another five minutes they called again. "It's now seven blocks east of Bank and Queen streets," he reported. Ten minutes later the police asked if he was keeping a safe distance from the car so that the driver wouldn't notice he was being followed. "Yes," he panted breathlessly, "but I don't know how much longer I can keep this up." That's when the police realized he'd been chasing the car on foot!

As A fellow policeman and I were eating lunch in a cafe, we heard a woman nearby say loudly, "Jimmy, if you don't eat all your peas, I'll have those policemen come over and talk to you." My friend promptly walked over to the five year-old who was being scolded. "Jimmy," he said, just as loudly, "I'm six-foot two and weigh 200 pounds. And I never ate a pea in all my life." As we left, the other patrons were laughing, Jimmy's mother was absolutely silent, and a smiling Jimmy was no longer afraid of policemen.

ONE cold winter night my police unit was dispatched to check out a report of a three-car accident on an elevated highway. Once I identified the exact location, I continued along the icy road very carefully. Unfortunately, the snow tires on the police car did not stop on the ice any better than regular tires did. As I drew alongside the wrecked autos, my car slid slowly into the median guardrail — to the delight of one of the drivers. "That's exactly how it happened, officer!" he exclaimed.

MY PARTNER and I had just arrested a prominent, influential business executive for driving while intoxicated. As we headed to the police station to book him, he arrogantly boasted to my partner, "I'll have your badge in the morning!" "That may be so," my partner replied calmly, "but I've got it tonight."

A POLICE colleague of mine once received a call from a woman who asked him how to baste a turkey. After a stunned moment, he, being a fairly good cook, described the procedure. Then he asked, "But why would you call the police to find out how to baste a turkey?" There was only a slight hesitation before she replied, "Well, you knew, didn't you?" and hung up.

I HAD been directing traffic at a major intersection for three hours. It was a hot day and the sweat rolled down my face and back as I directed a line of cars to make left-hand turns. Then one car slowed down as it went by, and a little girl handed me an ice-cold bottle of soft drink through the window. Before I could say thank you, the car was gone, but I can still remember the smile on the little girl's face.

WHILE on traffic duty, my son Mike, an RCMP officer in Surrey, B.C., stopped an elderly lady for an infraction.  He asked her age. She answered, "Sixty-five."  Mike then asked to see her driver's permit, and after a quick calculation, he said, "It says here you're closer to 85." Innocently she looked up. "My!  Where did the time go?"

IT WAS the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

THE police officer asked the traffic accident victim if he recalled the truck's license plate number. "Not the plate number, sir," he replied. "But I remember the slogan written at the back: LIVE AND LET LIVE."

A POLICEMAN responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too. Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist - probably better than Houdini." The giant nodded. "If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?" Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these," he said at last. "Are you sure?" the lawman asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "Can't do it." "In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."

THE policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole.  Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness. "Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?" inquired the officer. "Mister," exclaimed the telephone lineman, "I was at the top of the pole!"

A HIGHWAY-PATROLMAN friend of ours had stopped at our cafe for coffee and was getting ready to leave. "Go out and get 'em!" I said.   "I suppose everyone gets a ticket today?"  "I don't really give out many tickets," he said seriously.  "Oh, come on," I teased.   "You'd give your own mother a ticket."  "No, my mother never drove a car," said Bill, still serious.  Then a grin spread over his face. "I did catch her jay-walking once," he said, "and I issued her a warning.   But that's all."

I WAS walking to town one day when a wood hauler gave me a ride. After traveling about a kilometer, he was stopped by the highway patrol for a weight check and inspection. The truck, it transpired, had slick tires; no horn; no head, tail or signal lights; no windshield wipers. Also, it was overloaded and had bad brakes. "Mister," the patrolman said, "I think the best way to charge you is 'hauling wood without a truck.'"

I WAS one of many RCMP members assigned to security duties at Vancouver's B.C. Place Stadium during Pope John Paul II's visit to British Columbia in the late summer of 1984. Security instructions were clear: No unauthorized persons were to leave the building through doors overlooking the departing procession. The air-supported roof relies on increased air pressure inside the stadium to maintain its shape. With the stadium being pressurized, there is a considerable outward wind created when a single exit door is opened. I had this in mind when a man approached me and asked to leave via my exit-door position. I told him it was not possible to leave through that door at that time. He asked why, and I replied quite matter of factly, "Because you'd be blown away." A startled expression, coupled with a quick glance down to the holstered revolver on my hip, brought the gasp, "Boy, you fellows really are serious about this, aren't you!"

I STAND Six feet six and weigh over 200 pounds. As a member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police I have, over the past 12 years, talked to many school groups on a variety of subjects. Recently, I spoke to a group of youngsters in Grade III. After I had finished, I asked if they had any questions regarding meeting strangers, which had been my topic. Their main concern seemed to be, "How tall are you?" or, "Can we see your gun?" But one serious little boy asked, "Do you have trouble fitting in a bathtub?"

THIS letter was received by a highway patrol member: 
Dear Sir: Re: ticket you issued me on May 18, for studded tires. I would like to inform you that my sex is female, not male as you indicated on the ticket. There should be some sort of special commendation for any male who, at midnight, can tell studded tires from plain ones, but who can not tell a female driver from a male.

A POLICEMAN heard this plea on his radio: "Does anyone know where I'm at?  I'm all screwed up."  It was a patrolman who had lost his way.  Another voice rang out, bold and authoritative: "Would the officer making that last transmission please identify himself?"  After a short silence, a third unidentified voice said, "He's not that screwed Up.

MY FRIEND'S husband is a member of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, and she often wondered how his job would affect their children's outlook on life.   She had her answer when her son brought his health quiz home from school with all but one question answered correctly.
   The question: Name the three main parts of the cell.  His answer: the bars, the keys and the mattress.

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper.  The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.   The driver says, "Why'd you do that?  The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son.  When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."  Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."  The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.  He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.  The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.  The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"  The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."  The passenger says, "Huh?"  The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that shit with me!' "

A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. But one day, when everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem: A 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD."  A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.

As A highway patrolman, I hear many excuses by those caught speeding. Once, the driver ran back to my patrol unit to tell me someone in the car was sick and he was taking her to the hospital. I let the man go, but was suspicious when he declined my offer of a police escort. I decided to follow him.  By the time we reached the emergency entrance of the local hospital, I was feeling a little foolish about not trusting the man.  When I noticed he was having difficulty getting an elderly woman out of his car, I walked over to offer my assistance.  It was then that I overheard the struggling woman say, "Leave me alone. You told him someone was sick, so you be the sick one." I wrote the ticket.

AFTER the birth of our son, my husband, a police officer, was going to pick up my family at the airport when he finished the midnight shift.  Still in uniform, Jeff met one of the airport security officers.  Thinking he was going on a prisoner escort, the security officer asked Jeff if he needed the use of his office.   "No," Jeff told him, "I'm not here to pick up outlaws, just in-laws."

I WAS driving on a highway and saw hazard lights flashing on a bright red car by the side of the road. It was a police vehicle; a policeman was giving a ticket to a motorist he had caught speeding.  Then I passed the car and burst out laughing.  In the rear window of the police car was a yellow, diamond-shaped sign.   But instead of the usual "Baby on Board," this one said "Surprise on Board."

IT is not uncommon for the police department in our growing city to receive calls to round up farm animals that have strayed from rural sections of town.  One afternoon my partner and I responded to a call to pick up a billy goat roaming around a parking lot.  In short order we managed to put a leash on the goat and were leading it hack to our animal-control truck.  At that point a man came by and noticing our uniforms, the animal cage and the goat, stopped short.  "Don't you guys use German shepherds anymore?" he asked incredulously.

A FRIEND of mine, who works for a city police force, was on duty when he noticed an elderly man driving too slowly.  When stopped, the man told the officer that he was looking for a certain street.  "You've got to go faster, sir; you're holding up traffic," admonished the officer.  The man proceeded on his way, while the officer in his car followed in the same direction.  On reaching the crest of a hill, the officer noticed the man's car on the shoulder of the road.   He had been stopped by another policeman — for speeding.

A FRIEND was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding.  As he was giving her the ticket, Mary said, "How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning?  Is it my face?"   "No, ma'am," explained the officer, "it's your foot."

RETURNING to her car the other day, my mother was perturbed to see a burly policeman standing by it.  Wondering which law she could have broken, she approached him with a winning smile and said, "Oh, Officer, I do hope I haven't done anything wrong."  "Madam," the policeman replied, with an air of resignation, "we have to stand somewhere."

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Last updated October 02, 2015 by Becquet Enterprises