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Off Color (P.G.)


   King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place which made it basically useless.
   "This is no good, Merlin!" the King exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I'm on a long quest?"
   "Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt where upon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
   "Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch. "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."
   After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a lengthy Quest.
   Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.
   Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.
   "Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur. "You are my one and only true knight!  Only you among all the nobles have been true to me.  What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours."
   But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.

   THE beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sightseeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers that her boss told her not to reject the guy outright.  So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the king from wanting to marry her.
   After a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara." The African king pauses for awhile. Then he nods his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have."
   Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. And as a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France." The African king pauses for awhile.  He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."
   Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea, a sure-to-work condition.  She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly,  "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis."
   The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."

I'VE BEEN dating my girlfriend for a long time, and it's no secret that she's knockout beauty. And even though I'm delighted to have such a good-looking girlfriend, it was a big problem when we began dating each other.  Every time I saw her, I'd get a massive erection. There was nothing I could do to control it. It just happened!  Obviously, I didn't want to have this happen when I picked her up for our first date (at least not until after dinner). So I decided to tie my penis to my leg with a rope. I tied that thing down TIGHT, too.  It would've worked great, but unfortunately my girlfriend answered the door in a sheer teddy. There was nothing I could do to control it: I kicked her right in the face!

"LITTLE Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away, Little Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go out side and play.  "Little Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with.  "Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?" "I wanna play 'Mommy and Daddy,'" Little Johnny whines in reply. Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?" Little Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down as if you're taking a nap."  Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs. Little Johnny, acting a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He puts on his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs, he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway. His mother raises her head and asks, "What do I do now? "In a gruff manner, Little Johnny says, "Get your ass downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."  Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest schlong he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge schlong like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase
 "Oh my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead?!"

   A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just  pretend you're a statue."
   "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
   "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths'  bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
   Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of  milk.
   "Here," he said to the statue, "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for  a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be one cent." 
"ONE CENT, that is way too cheap!" exclaimed the guy. 
The barman replied "Yes." 
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy t-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?" 
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents", he replies.
"FOUR CENTS!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife".
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business".

MR. SMITH got himself a new secretary. 
   She was young, sweet and pretty. One day, while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.  When leaving the room she said, "Oh, Mr. Smith, did you know your barracks door is open?"
   He did not understand her remark, but later he happened to look down and saw his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new secretary. Calling her in he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"
   The secretary who was quite witty said, "Why no Mr. Smith. All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags."

A LADY about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this. When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She first sat down underneath a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming", and I had to smile.  Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Slogan's Liniment Will Reduce the Swelling", and I had to grin. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber Could Have Prevented this Accident" ... I laughed out loud.
"Case Dismissed," said the judge.

OLE and Sven were fishing when Sven pulled out a cigar but didn't have a lighter so he asked Ole for a light. "Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied and reached into his tackle box and pulled out a 12 inch BIC lighter. "Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, "Vhere did yew get dat monster??" "Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie." "You haff a genie?" Sven asked. "Ya, shure, he's right here in my tackle box," said Ole. "Could I see him?" Ole opens his tackle box and out pops the genie. The friend says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?" "Yes I will", the genie said, so Sven asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the tackle box and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard. Sven yells to Ole, "I asked for a million Bucks, not Ducks!"  Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked him for a 12 inch BIC?"

One day little Susie went into her back yard and found her dog Muffles lying dead with its legs up in the air. She asked, "Daddy Daddy why is Muffles legs in the air?" Thinking quickly, her dad replied, "This way Jesus can come down and take Muffles to heaven easier." The next day when Susie's dad came home she ran up to him and said, "Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today."  Flustered, her father said, "Honey what happened?" And Susie said, well Mommy's legs were up in the air and she was screaming "Oh Jesus. Oh Jesus. I'm coming, I'm coming" and if it wasn't for the milkman holding her down she would have been a goner.

Two boys are playing football in Stanley Park in Vancouver when one is attacked by a Rottweiler.  Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.  A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.  "Lion's fan saves friend from vicious animal", he starts writing in his notebook.  "But I'm not a Lion's fan," the boy replies.  "Canuck's fan rescues friend from horrific attack," the reporter starts again.  "I'm not a Canuck's fan either," the boy says.  "Then what are you?" the reporter says.  "I'm a Saskatchewan Rough Rider fan!!!" the boy exclaimed proudly.  The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Redneck bastard kills family pet."

  Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday.  Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world.  Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.   Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."   Well, it was an immediate hit.  They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.  And we know what that meant.
  One room and the normal follow up to that. Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit.  Looking at her, he asks "Why the panties?"  She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."  He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom.  She looks at him and asks, "What's with this. . . a black condom?"  He replies, "I'm going to offer my condolences."

A nun got into a cab and the driver was staring at her. She asked him why he was staring at her and he said, "I want to ask you a question, but I don't want to offend you."  She said, "you can't offend me, not as old as I am and as long as I have been a nun... I have heard just about everything."  The cab driver said, " Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job."
   She said, "Well let's see what we can work out."
1.  You have to be single
2.  You have to be Catholic
   The cab driver said, " OH I'm single and I am Catholic!!!!"
   She said, "O.K. pull in to the alley," and he did. So she did her thing and they were on the street again and the cab driver started crying and she said, "My child what's the matter?"
   He said, "Sister I have sinned, I lied, I lied. . . I'm married and I'm Jewish!!!
   She said, "That's okay. My name is Steve and I'm on my way to a Costume Party."


Number... 8
A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender Inquired. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. “6 shots? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blow job," the man answered. "Well, in that case, lot me give you a 7th on the house." "No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't got rid of the taste, nothing will."

Number... 7
A businessman boarded a flight and was lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous women....... They exchange brief hellos and he noticed she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replied, "This is a very Interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill, What's yours?" He coolly replied, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

Number... 6
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep, A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Number... 5
Bill worked in a pickle factory, He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about him, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own, One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer"' "Oh, Bill, you didn't.” 'Yes, I did.' 'My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh, she got fired too."

Number... 4
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decided to rub her left breast Instead of just talking to her, on doing this she let out a sigh, The man ran out and told the doctor who said that was a good sign and suggested he should try rubbing her right breast to see If there is any reaction, The husband went in and rubbed her right breast, This produced a moan from his wife. He rushed out and told the doctor. The doctor said this was amazing and a real breakthrough, The doctor then suggested the man should go in and try oral sex saying he would wait outside as it is a personal act and he didn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in, then came out about five minutes later, while as a sheet. He told the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asked what happen to which the man replied, "She choked.

Number... 3
A guy walked Into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligators mouth and place my genitals inside. Then this gator will close his mouth for one minute, He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my dink unscathed, In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligators open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped, After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head, The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genital, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up, "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

Number... 2
A small white guy went Into an elevator, when he got in he noticed a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black guy looked down upon the small white guy and said, "7 foot tall, 360 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown." The small guy fainted!! The huge black dude picked up the little white guy and brought him to, slapping his face and shaking him. He asked the small white guy, "What's wrong?" Our petite friend said, "Excuse me, but what did you say?" The black giant looked down and repeated, '7 foot tall, 360 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown' The white guy sighed, 'Oh, thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around”...

Number ... 1
What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night? "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft"

A MAN and his dog are shipwrecked on a deserted island. After a few days he decides to take the dog and reconnoiter the island. He discovers that the only other inhabitants are sheep. He recalls how his farm buddies would brag how they would screw sheep for kicks and he says to himself: "I'll never be that desperate."
   Sooooo, a few weeks later he can't get those sheep out of his mind, and soon he's sneaking up on the flock. Just as he is about to pounce on a really cute one, the dog grabs his leg and won't let go. He snaps out of it, and thanks the dog for keeping him from making a fool of himself.  This same scene happens every night for a month and the guy starts to get really pissed at the dog.
   Then one day, the man spies a life-raft bobbing in the surf. In the raft is a beautiful young girl, barely alive. He takes her back to his hut, revives her and nurses her to health. After a few days the girl is feeling fine, and that evening a rush of gratitude sweeps over her.... She confronts the man: "I owe you my life. I'm yours forever. I'll do anything you want"
   "OK, hold that dog for ten minutes!!!"

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane.   The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.      "So, did you jump?" the father asked.
   "Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
   "Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
   "Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a
time and throw them out the door."
   "Did you jump then?" asked the father.
   "I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass."
   "So, did you jump?"
   "Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, "Boy, are you gonna jump or not?''
   I said, "No, sir. I'm too scared. So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"
   "So, did you jump?" asked the father.
   "Well, a little, at first."

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that the couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out".
   The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.
   Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.
   He said, "honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you". "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"  Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."  To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200 for a blow job?"

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Last updated October 02, 2015 by Becquet Enterprises