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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

   A GENERAL store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for wearing very short skirts and thong panties.
   One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread he has a brilliant idea.
   "I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.
   The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf.
   The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view, just as he had surmised he would be.
   Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get 2
loaves as he is having company for dinner.
   As the clerk retrieves the 2nd loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he quickly requests his own loaf of raisin bread so that he can continue to enjoy the view.
   With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer.
   Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After a few trips the clerk is tired! ! and irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this raisin bread for herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng staring up at her.
   Thinking to save herself a trip she yells, "Is yours raisin too?"
   "No," croaks the feeble old man...."But it's startin' to twitch.

   An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her lungs that she "knows how to use it and will shoot if required.... So get out of MY car!"
   The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat.
   Small problem: Her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four or five spaces further down.
   She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 pale white males were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly, white woman.....No charges were filed.

I ONCE worked in a department store's service booth, at which customers could buy tickets for concerts, sports events and theatre productions. One day a woman approached the window where I was on duty. Pushing several packages at me, she said, "I need three shirt boxes, one tie box and a box big enough for a casserole dish." "You'll have to go to gift-wrapping for that," I explained politely. Stepping back for a better look at the sign above me, the woman shouted "Don't give me the run around, young lady. That sign says BOX OFFICE, and I want my boxes now!"

A BLACK woman entered a store's appliance department and said that she wanted to return a defective toaster. The white saleswoman asked what was wrong with it. "When the toast pops up," replied the customer, "one comes out looking like you, and the other comes out looking like me." She got another toaster.

A MAN purchased a wing chair and asked that it be wrapped so that his wife couldn't guess the contents of the package. Barney, a high-school student who worked for us, spent hours gift wrapping it, struggling with a bulky refrigerator packing case, reams of paper and metres and metres of tape. The giant box looked stunning as it was loaded on a truck for delivery. But, when the customer strode into the store and thrust a card at us that he had found tucked under the ribbon, we weren't sure Barney's efforts had been a big success. In our gift wrapper's careful printing was this message: "Next year, give Jewellery."

STANDING in line in a hardware store, I noticed a woman looking at a rack full of signs priced at $1.79 each. She took one out and put it back a couple of times. Suddenly she held up the sign that read "Help Wanted," and asked the clerk: "Is there a discount on this sign if it's just going over the kitchen sink?"

WHILE delivering for a department store, I had to drive to a house 30 kilometers out of the city, and travel over three unpaved roads plus two practically washed-out bridges. And I had to walk the final 100 meters. When at last I reached the address, there was a note tacked to the front door with this message: GONE TO THE COUNTRY.

IN THE store where I work I spotted a young man dressed in shorts, sneakers and a green trash bag in which he had torn holes for his head and arms. "The woman at the door wouldn't let me in without a shirt on," he explained.

WHILE visiting my parents in Florida, I was browsing through the brochure for a giant flea market we planned to visit the next day.  The brochure boasted "acres of vendors," and I remarked how huge it must be.  "I drove your mother there last week," Dad commented.  "It only takes two hours to go through the place."  "Two hours!" said my mother. "It took me a lot longer than that."  "Oh, I know," Dad said, "but you stop to look at things."

MY FRIEND has an insatiable appetite for seafood. On a return trip to his native Newfoundland after an absence of some years, he went to a fish store in St. John's. He soon realized that though the facade of the city had changed some what, the linguistic acrobatics remained the same.  Seeing some beautiful lobsters on display, he asked the proprietor, "How much a pound are your lobsters?"  "We doesn't sell them by the pound. We sells them by the each."  "Well, how much are they each?"  "They bes two dollars a pound-each," came the reply.

ONE saleswoman in a candy store always had customers lined up waiting, while other clerks stood around with nothing to do. The owner of the store asked the popular one for her secret. "It's easy," she answered. "The other clerks scoop up more than a pound of candy and then start taking away. I always scoop up less than a pound and then add to it."

THE owner of a doughnut shop solved the problem of accurately filling his customers' orders when they came in sleepy in the morning and pointed vaguely at the trays of French, glazed and cake doughnuts. Tossing out the gourmet names with which he had labeled his goods, he attached to each tray a printed card saying: "Them," "These" or "Those."

ONE day in a shopping mall, I lost a gold bracelet. Immediately, I went to the lost and found to post a notice. While there I met a woman who was also putting up a notice. As she passed me, she gave me a big toothless smile.  When I left I glanced at what she had written and chuckled as I read:  Lotht -- Will perton or perthonth who found the thet of falthe teeth pleathe phone 621-0000.

AFTER toiling over a 1000-piece puzzle, I was unable to finish it because there was one piece missing.  I returned the box to the store and explained why.  The clerk was obviously not a puzzle aficionado. As she refunded my money, she asked pleasantly, "How far did you get before you realized that there was a piece missing?"

WALKING downtown one day, I noticed that a music store had just opened. Inside the shop, my attention was caught by a huge Oriental gong, and I went up to take a closer look.  The gong was more than a meter in diameter. On a rope next to it hung a half-meter-long mallet with a top the size of a softball.  A piece of notebook paper bearing one word in large letters was taped to the centre of the gong.   The word was "NO!"

As A mannequin model for a department store, I sit or stand as still as a statue. When I move, I do so slowly and somewhat mechanically. One day two women stood near me debating whether I was alive or a robot. The one who was convinced that I was a machine tried to persuade her friend. "Now tell me, Ethel," she said. "Does that look like a real face to you?"

A MAN came up to my cash register at a department store carrying an armful of fishing paraphernalia, including hip waders, lures and a fishing pole. As he wrote a cheque for several hundred dollars, he said, "You know, it would be a lot cheaper if you just sold fish here."

WHILE I was working in a fashionable clothing store, a high-school graduate came in and tried on a strapless gown which she modeled for her mother and grandmother. It was obvious they disliked the tight-fitting dress. The young woman seemed to take this as a sure sign it looked attractive on her and asked me to put it aside. Later in the day she returned and said I could put the dress back on the rack. Sympathizing, I commented, "It's a shame they wouldn't let you buy it." "Not at all," she replied with a grin. "They wanted me to get this one after I found one they disliked even more!"

A WOMAN came into my friend's flower shop and asked if she could get "a nice, fresh arrangement for twenty-five dollars." As my friend said what she'd get for that price, the woman exclaimed, "Oh, won't that be lovely!" "No, ma'am," was the reply. "At that price it will be nice; lovely starts at forty-five dollars."

   Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
   Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
   He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels — the phone was still ringing — when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. . .half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. . .
. . .so, I TOLD HER!"

AT 9 P.M., the manager of our store announced over the intercom that we were closing and asked that the customers come to the register to be checked out. At 9:20, a few dawdlers still remained, and the manager came on the intercom again: "Attention, shoppers!  Our store is now closed. If you didn't make it out before the doors were locked, there are sleeping accommodations in the back. Thank you and good night." The stragglers were at the register in less than a minute.

"ALL I wanted to buy was a plain old pair of sneakers," a woman told her friend. "But the shoe business has been taken over by blatant marketing gimmicks. Do you realize shoes have names these days? 'Pegasus, "Hurricane, "Motivator' -- there's even one called 'Charisma.'  Can you imagine?"  "What colour did you get?"  "Miami Vice pink."

EARLY one morning I arrived at the shopping center and instructed my black retriever, Beast, to remain in the back seat of my open car.  In a store, out of the corner of my eye I caught a flash of black wavy hair on the far side of the center counter.  I lunged at the culprit, screaming, "Beast!  What are you doing here?"  Only then did I realize I had grabbed the store clerk, who was placing supplies beneath the counter.  He leaped back with terror in his eyes.   Apologizing, I explained that I thought he was my dog. He backed up even farther.   At that point I gave up and left the store.

A MAN ahead of me at the counter handed nine greeting cards to the cashier.  She looked increasingly puzzled as she rang up the prices. "Sir, these are all belated birthday cards!" she finally burst out. "Have you actually forgotten that many birthdays?"  "Not yet," the man replied. "But I believe in planning ahead."

I'D BEEN watching the classified ads for a good buy in a used video camera when I spotted just what I needed. For a reasonable price, somebody named Dick was offering a "complete system, loaded with advanced features."  But what made it just the right deal for me was the assurance, "Takes only perfect pictures, every possible mistake has already been made. "

LAST summer my wife and I met a couple at a restaurant.   After lunch, the women decided to go shopping, and I invited the man to go sailing.   While we were out on the water, a storm blew up. The tide had gone out, and we were down wind trying to work our way back through a narrow channel. At one point the boat grounded and we had to climb overboard and shove with all our might to get it back in deeper water.  As my new friend stood there, ankle deep in muck, the wind blowing his hair wildly, rain streaming down his face, he grinned at me, and with unmistakable sincerity said, "Sure beats shopping!"

WHILE chatting with my neighbour, I mentioned that my wife was out bargain hunting.  Just then the car pulled in the driveway, and my wife got out, loaded down with packages.  "Well," he observed, "it looks like your wife is a pretty good shot."

MY SISTER decided to give her friend a tray of cheeses for Christmas. She went to a small store which usually carried everything.  "Would you have such a thing as a small tray of cheeses?" she asked the clerk.   "Oh, my, I don't think so, but I'll go and look."  After a long wait, the clerk returned.  "I'm sorry," she apologized, "we don't.   But," she added helpfully, "we do have a platter of the Last Supper."

WHILE shopping I encountered a young mother of five trying her best to keep all the children in sight, but each was determined to explore in a different direction. The harried woman, noticing me watching, rolled her eyes and said in a weary voice, "O what a tangled web we weave, when we practice to conceive."

AFTER selecting a number of items at a ladies wear shop, I was pleasantly surprised when the cashier asked for considerably less than I had anticipated paying. When I arrived home I checked the items against the sales slip and discovered she had rung up a $49.95 item as $19.95. I returned to the shop with the sales slip and explained what had happened. After I handed her my cheque for the $30 difference, her response was not what I expected: "Can you show me two pieces of ID?"

I LOVE old things, and one day while browsing in an antique shop, I found some blue and yellow canisters that were perfect for my kitchen.  The proprietor told me that they had been made on a pottery wheel in 1930 by an old lady who had never left the farm.  Pleased, I picked up the smallest canister to look at it more closely and was shocked to find "Made in Japan" stamped on the bottom.   "Well," the flustered dealer said, "maybe she did leave the farm once."

WHEN I stopped at the liquor store to buy some champagne for a wedding gift, the clerk asked to see my ID.  "But I'm twenty-nine years old," I protested.  "I can show you pictures of my three sons to prove it."  "They could be your nephews," she replied, unimpressed.   "How about a driver's license?"  Rummaging through my purse, I took out two rubber worms, a matchbox car, a set of baby keys, an odd sock, a smashed pack of bubble gum and a ball.  But I couldn't find my license.  "Forget it," the clerk said suddenly.  "Only a mother of three boys would have that collection in her purse!"

THERE are many different versions of the china-shop verse, "Lovely to look at, delightful to hold, but if you break it, consider it sold." One day while shopping I came across a variation that was down right threatening.  It read: "Nice to look at, nice to hold, but if you break it, you will receive five free kittens."  Needless to say, I did not touch a thing.

WHEN I ran out of icing sugar, I asked my husband to pick some up for me on his next trip out.  He couldn't find any baking items at the store and finally approached a salesclerk. "Can you tell me where the icing sugar is kept?" he asked.  The clerk looked at him skeptically and replied, "Sir, this is Canadian Tire."

MY FRIEND and I bought a small stereo system at a department store. We didn't want to wait for it to be delivered so we asked if we could borrow a dolly to transport it to our car, parked a block away.  We were given permission, provided we returned it to the stereo department.  I under took to return the dolly and was struggling to get it back through a door to the store when a young man came to help.  As he held the door open for me, he shook his head in amazement.   "And I thought my wife was a serious shopper!"

I ACCOMPANIED my wife and two-year-old daughter to a department store.  The young woman at the check-out counter was wearing a low-cut blouse and was obviously well endowed.  As I presented her with my check and she leaned forward to copy the information from my driver's license her endowment became even more obvious.  At this point I heard my wife remark, "You can look at those things, but you'd better not touch them!"  I hastily looked around to see my wife correcting our daughter, who was reaching for items on a nearby shelf.

AT A department store my mother and I waited in a long line at the checkout counter.  When we finally reached the cashier, my mother handed her an item from the cart.  There was no price on it.  Exasperated, Mother exclaimed, "Why do I always pick the one without a price!"  "And why am I always waiting behind you!" the next customer moaned.

ON SATURDAY mornings the parking area at our shopping center is heavily congested. Once I watched a woman maneuver her fully loaded cart from the store to the curb. Taking a walkie-talkie from her purse, she deftly extended the antenna.   "Okay, Henry," she said into the device. "I'm out of the, store."  In no time a man drove up, apparently from some distant spot in the car park, loaded the groceries, and off they went.

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Last updated October 02, 2015 by Becquet Enterprises