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Written by Andy Rooney, a man who has the gift of saying so much with so few words. Enjoy........
I've learned....
That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
I've learned....
That when you're in love, it shows.
I've learned....
That just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.
I've learned....
That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
I've learned....
That being kind is more important than being right.
I've learned....
That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
I've learned....
That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
I've learned....
That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
I've learned....
That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
I've learned.....
That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
I've learned....
That life is like a roll of toilet paper.  The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I've learned....
That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
I've learned....
That money doesn't buy class.
I've learned....
That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
I've learned....
That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
I've learned....
That the Lord didn't do it all in one day.  What makes me think I can?
I've learned....
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I've learned....
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
I've learned....
That love, not time, heals all wounds.
I've learned....
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
I've learned....
That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
I've learned....
That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks
I've learned....
That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
I've learned....
That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
I've learned....
That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
I've learned....
That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
I've learned....
That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.
I've learned....
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
I've learned....
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
I've learned....
That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.
I've learned....
That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
I've learned....
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
I've learned....
That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation.
I've learned....
That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

Men are like... place mats. 
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like... mascara. 
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like... bike helmets. 
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like...  government bonds. 
They take so long to mature.

Men are like... parking spots. 
All the good ones are taken.

Men are like... copiers. 
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like... lava lamps. 
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like... bank accounts. 
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like... high heels. 
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like... miniskirts. 
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs

A hair in the head is worth two in the brush.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to press on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

You never learn to pray until your kids learn to drive!

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A Columbia, S.C., optician lucked out with this address: "2020 Devine."

THE trouble with horse sense is that it deserts you the minute you start feeling your oats.

Breathes there a man so free from greed.  Who has never felt the need,

When in a phone booth, to explore.  The coin-return slot just once more?

YOU know it's going to be a bad day when your twin brother forgets your birthday.

TAKING it with you isn't the problem.  The catch is to make it last until you go.

MY PARENTS were planning to go away for a weekend to a family event, and my father asked if my husband and I would be going too. I explained that it depended on two things: if we could afford the trip, and if our daughter Heather had recovered from a bad cold. "Okay. We might see you then," he replied. "Wealth and Heather permitting."

MY WIFE suggested it was time I cut the back lawn. The grass had grown so tall that our 18-month-old son politely said "Excuse me" every time he walked through the taller blades.

THE navy captain who ran his aircraft carrier aground in the middle of the bay is a man who grounds the warship he walks on.

TEENAGER to friend: "Not only has he broken my heart and destroyed my life, but he spoiled my whole evening."

A spendthrift fellow named Sy, Who charged everything he could buy, Said when hauled into court, With his bank account short, The government does, why can't I?

"HONEY, how would you like to ride in a great big yellow car with plenty of horsepower and a chauffeur?"  "I'd love it!"  "Good. Then let's take the bus."

SPONTANEOUS humor can be one of the benefits of a classical education. The motto of Glasgow University Union is Gradatim Vincem us -- "We overcome by degrees."

SHE: "You'd better go - my husband just drove up!"
He: "Where's the back door?"
She: "We don't have one."
He: "Where would you like one?"

If Men Really Ruled the World

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable  response to "I love you."

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game,  she would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the rear and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL  team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got hammered last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.

It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

"Cops" would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops or to the crooks.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: 
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" 
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." 
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off.  

"Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."

Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

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Last updated October 02, 2015 by Becquet Enterprises