Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought
was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he
heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you." Silence returned to the
house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice
boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he
looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a
parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then
he asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said
the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar.
"What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who
named the Rottweiller Jesus."
ONCE
there was a rabbit and a bear living in a forest. One day, they went out for a walk and came across a magical golden frog.
The frog told them that he will grant them three wishes each, which got the rabbit and the bear very excited.
The bear proceeded to tell the frog his first request. He said, "I wish that all the bears in this forest were female, except for
me." POOF! His wish was granted.
Then it was the rabbit's turn and he said, "I wish for a racing bike helmet." POOF! His wish was granted.
The bear hesitated, thought for a moment and then said, "I wish all the bears in the neighboring forests were female too, except
for me." POOF! His wish was granted.
The rabbit already knew what he wanted, and uttered, "I wish for a motorcycle." POOF! His wish was granted.
The frog broke in and said, "Now hurry up, I must be on my way. And, may I add, choose your last wish carefully!!"
The bear said, "Alright, I know my last wish. I wish all the bears in the world were female, except for me." POOF!
His wish was granted.
The rabbit thought for a while, put on his helmet, and got on his motorcycle. A smirk appeared on his face as he revved the motor
and shouted, "I wish the bear was gay." Poof! And the rabbit rode off.
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his
side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and then
turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's
mouth and place my genitals inside! Then the 'gator will close his mouth for one
minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for
witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stands up on the bar,
drops his trousers, and places his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator
closes its mouth as the crowd gasps. After a minute, the man grabs a beer bottle and
raps
the alligator hard on the top of its head, so hard that the bottle breaks. The gator opens
his mouth and the man removes his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheers and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stands up again and makes another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing
to give it a try".
A hush falls over the crowd. After a while, a hand goes up in the
back of the bar. A woman timidly speaks up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to
hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
A FRIEND of mine used to spend summer vacations as a ranger at Lassen Volcanic National
Park, Calif. He was on duty one morning when a tourist approached, gave a brief
description of an unusual bird he had just seen and asked whether my friend could identify
it. My friend replied, "No, I don't recognize the bird either, but I can help you. I
have here a copy of Roger Tory Peterson's Field Guide to Western Birds." "That
won't help," the tourist replied, "because that bird is not in there. I'm Roger
Tory Peterson."
WHILE working for a mining company, we sent a small field party to the mountains in the
Yukon. One summer student climbed over a ridge and was startled to find herself face to
face with a young brown bear. To her relief there was one small tree nearby, to which she
furiously ran. On the way a brown blur passed her, and when she got to the base of the
tree, she found the terrified bear safely perched at the top.
AFTER a caller told the Battle Creek, Mich., Humane Society about two ducks trapped by
the ice on a pond, shelter-manager Mike Pearson rushed right over. He inched his way out a
considerable distance and, as onlookers stood by, made his way back to safety with the
ducks. Both of the wooden decoys were expected to survive.
A WOMAN found a bedraggled bird on her porch after a storm. She called information and
asked for the number of the Audubon Society. She dialed and heard a man say,
"Audubon." "I've got this sick bird," she said "and I don't know
what to do with it." "How old is it," the man asked. "I don't
know." "What seems to be the problem?" "It's listless — doesn't
fly." "Sounds like it could be losing compression. You'd better bring it
in." "What is your address?" "Auto Barn, madam. Car repairs."
SHORTLY after graduating from veterinary school, I rode with my mother in the Michigan
Trail Riders' annual trek across the state. Late one afternoon I was summoned to look at a
horse that had reared up and flipped over in its trailer. Fortunately, the horse was not
seriously injured, but some lacerations needed stitching. As I worked I heard my mother
chatting with the perturbed owner. "Don't worry, sir," she said. "My
daughter's a great vet. She'll fix your horse up just fine." "That's good to
hear," said the man. "How long has she been a vet?" "A week,"
replied my mother, proudly. Then, hastily, she added, "But she's been embroidering
since she was eight years old."
A BOSS was talking to his chief bill collector: "How did
that idea of taking a gorilla with you on your calls work out?"
Bill collector: "I'd say good and bad. I got more money today than I usually do in a
week."
Boss: "So what's bad about that?"
Collector: "I can't get the money away from the gorilla
DO YOU know what you get when you cross a German shepherd dog
with a giraffe? A watchdog for the eighth floor.
A MAN had a prize bull named Caesar. When the time came
to ship the bull to the buyer, the man's staff was given the job of boating it across the
river to the railway station. When they came to the river, they were as enchanted by
the prospect of fishing as was the bull by the lush grass along the bank. They were about
to turn the bull loose to feed when the foreman warned them, "We came to ferry
Caesar, not to graze him!"
What Am I?
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail,
and he tripped over a large snake and fell, Ker-Plop! Right on his twitchy little
nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to
trip over you, but I'm blind and couldn't see." "That's perfectly all
right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was MY fault. I didn't
mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what
kind of animal are you?" "Well, I really don't know," said the bunny.
"I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find
out." So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're
soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail, and a dear
twitchy little nose; YOU must be a BUNNY RABBIT!" (And the little blind bunny
was so pleased he danced with joy.) Then he said, "I can't thank you enough,
but by the way, WHAT kind of animal are YOU?" And the snake replied that he
didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine HIM, and when he was finished, the snake
said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?" So the bunny felt the snake all
over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy, and you haven't got
any balls. . .You must be a lawyer."
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo.
Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten foot fence. He was out the
next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he
got out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the
kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo said,
"About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"
A local business was looking for office help.
They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be
able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal
Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and
went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to
the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office
manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least.
However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped
up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, "I can't hire you. The
sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the
typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted
over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was
stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a
computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog
proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and
said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting
abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down
and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an
Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that
you have to be bilingual". The dog looked at the manager calmly and said
"Meow."
GLENN RANDALL, Hollywood's foremost horse trainer, says he
has faced some interesting challenges in his more than 40 years in Hollywood, but the
biggest was training 78 horses for the chariot races in Ben Hur. Two sets of teams for
each chariot had to be trained. The race, in which nine chariots covered four kilometers
on an oval dirt track, remains one of the most exciting and spectacular scenes in film
making. During the race five chariots flip over, sending drivers and horses tumbling. Then
one driven by Charlton Heston sails through the air over the wreckage, then later locks
wheels with another chariot. None of the horses had any previous stunt or performance
experience. But Randall wasn't worried. "The hardest part was teaching them
English," he says. "They were from Yugoslavia, and Sicily, see, and didn't
understand English. But once they learned what I was talking about, the rest was
routine."
DURING the filming of a television series near Acapulco,
Mexico, three normally well-behaved chimpanzees climbed high into the trees and refused to
budge. With the producer fretting over lost shooting time, trainer Stewart Raffill
reluctantly borrowed a BB gun that would sting but not injure. "Come down or I'll
shoot!" he yelled. None of the chimps made a move. Raffill fired, hitting two. Both
scurried to the ground, ready to resume acting. The third chimp stayed put. "All
right, Dinky," shouted Raffill, "you're my favorite but I'll have to shoot you,
too!" As Raffill raised the gun, Dinky slid quickly down the tree. Chattering
nervously, smiling broadly, he walked up to Raffill — with his hands up.
THE animal-control center in my friend's town decided to
conduct a dog census. A census taker called at my friend's home and, upon learning that
she did indeed have a dog, asked what kind. "A brown dog," she replied.
"No, no. I mean what breed?" "Well, I don't know. She's just a brown
dog." "Perhaps if I could see her," the man said, "I might be able to
tell." My friend brought out the dog and waited patiently while the man studied
her pet. In the end, he noted on his form: "One brown dog."
As A roving columnist for a regional agricultural
publication, I gather material by traveling with a saddle horse and a pack mule. Because
my job is a bit unusual, my writings have attracted a following. I admit that my ego soars
when folks recognize me and stop to chat. I had things put in their proper perspective,
however, one hot day in eastern Montana. My animals and I were loafing along. As a stock
truck passed by us, the driver waved, and I waved back. I was sure that he was one of my
fans. Minutes later, the truck driver came back and pulled off to the side of the road.
"You're that writer fellow, aren't you?" he asked. "That's right, ' I
replied, beaming. "I thought so," he said. "I recognized your mule."
A WOMAN who used to work with me at a veterinary clinic was
raised on a ranch out West, and proved to be quite capable at rounding up the animals that
occasionally escaped from the clinic. One afternoon a cow broke out of her stall and
bounded across the highway to a nearby golf course. Lasso in hand, my friend took off
after her, dodging cars and golfers. Out of breath and with the cow gaining distance, she
spotted two men riding by in a golf cart. To the golfers' astonishment she flagged them
down, hopped on to the cart and yelled, "Follow that cow!"
OUR son John, a very conscientious newspaper boy, delivered
his papers right on the doormat at every house but one. Hobnail, an intimidating Norwegian
elkhound, roamed that house's fenced front yard and barked steadily at John while he
attempted to throw the paper on the porch. The effort seldom succeeded, and the paper
usually landed in the snow. One night John threw the paper right on the doormat. Before
going on, however, John saw Hobnail bound onto the porch and retrieve the paper. The dog
then carried it carefully down the steps and dropped it in its customary place in the
snow.
NATURALIST Andrew Simmons was once driving along a highway
and spotted a freshly run-over woodchuck. Thinking that his owl or eagle would regard the
carcass as a succulent treat, he pulled over, got out of his pickup truck and began
pushing the deceased woodchuck into a paper bag. Then a car pulled up beside him. Recalls
Simmons, "A matron with sympathetic eyes reached out and stuffed a ten-dollar bill in
my pocket. 'Here,' she said, 'go get yourself a decent meal.' "
A PARROT was up for sale at an auction. The bidding proceeded
briskly, and before long a winner was announced. When he paid, the high bidder asked the
auctioneer if the parrot could speak. "Sure can," replied the auctioneer.
"It was the parrot that was bidding against you."
SOME buffalo were placidly grazing on the open range when a
cowboy rode up. He stared at them for several minutes and then blurted out, "You are
such ugly creatures! Your hind legs are longer than your front ones; you have humps
on your backs, shaggy hair, beady eyes and tails with bushes on the end. Ugh!
Disgusting!" Then he rode away. "Gee," one buffalo remarked to
another, "I think we just heard a discouraging word."
IN WICHITA, KAN., two rivers meet in midtown. Some 5000
Canada geese spend the winter there, departing with clock like regularity by the end of
February. Last March, however, it was different. Driving along the river bank, my
daughter, son-in-law and I saw a small flock — about half Canada's and half white
geese - grazing companionably together. "Why are those Canada geese still here?"
I asked, surprised. My daughter had the perfect answer: "They must have married
local girls."
I WAS with a group visiting a remote marine biology station
in British Columbia. We were lingering over coffee one evening when suddenly a mink
appeared at the window with a large fish in his mouth. Our cries of delight startled him
and he scampered off into the woods, slightly off balance with his large catch. The brief
meeting had charmed us, and he became the topic of conversation as we toured the research
laboratories.
The delicate balance of nature had not been upset here! Man and mink
could live side by side, so we thought. To what extent was ironically pointed out by the
hastily written sign that greeted us as we entered the fish laboratory. "Warning!
The mink is back. Please cover all fish tanks. He is catching his dinner here
again."
MY FARM manager and I were busy mending fences when my
housekeeper arrived. Several times during the day, she drove out, returning 45 minutes
later. Curious, my manager asked her, "Where do you keep going?"
"Some darn birds built a nest in my car bumper!" she exclaimed.
"Every two hours I have to go home because the parents are waiting to feed their
young. I wish they'd hurry up and raise those kids!
I HAD adopted many creatures of the woods - raccoons,
possums, foxes and skunks - and put out peanut-butter sandwiches for them each night. When
I was going to be away for a week, my husband reluctantly agreed to prepare the nightly
feast for my animal friends as long as I purchased the ingredients. At the
supermarket, the boy bagged my order in silence until he reached the last loaf of bread
and the last container of peanut butter. Then he looked me in the eye. "Lady,"
he commented dryly, "when you're eating the last peanut-butter sandwich, you're going
to wish you'd bought some jelly."