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   A man heads off to his doctor for his annual physical exam, but doesn't return home for hours. His wife is growing anxious. Suddenly the phone rings. It's his physician.  
   "Madam, I'm sorry to inform you that your husband has been diagnosed with HAGS disease and has been hospitalized. It's a very serious condition."
   The wife replies nervously, "What's HAGS disease?"
   "It's a simultaneous out break of Herpes, AIDS, Gonorrhea and Syphilis."
   "Good God, what are you doing to treat it?" she shrieked.
   "Well, Madam, we have placed him on a strict diet of flounder and pancakes."
   "What good is that, for God's sake?"
   "Frankly, it's not much good, but that's the only food we can slide under the door."

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse. "OOPS!"

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all," ; "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.

   A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much.  They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was passing gas because they don't smell and are silent."
   The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."
   The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what medicine you gave me, but now my gas, although still silent, smells terrible."
   The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

MY SON-IN-LAW, a senior resident at a hospital, had completed a routine physical exam on a six-year-old when the mother mentioned her concern about her son's craving for junk food. The doctor pondered how he might get the child to see the light about his poor diet. "So," he asked him, "what do you want to be when you grow up?" "I want to be a doctor," said the boy. I've got him now, thought my son-in-law. "And what would you say to a boy whose mother complained about him eating so much junk food?"  Without hesitation, the youngster replied, "I ate junk food when I was a kid, and look at me now!"

ON HER way to visit our mother, who was a patient in the hospital, my teenage sister got on an elevator. A nurse standing beside the floor buttons said, "I.C.U."  My puzzled sister paused before replying, "I see you, too."

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid." The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of shame was overwhelming.
   But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him - "Howard, don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last. And, you're single. So just let it go."
   But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality.
   "Howard, you're a Veterinarian..."

A MAN who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.  Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from  some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it.  The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He  really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the  operation we ran out of anesthetic.

   Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.  Morris, somewhat of a loud mouth, shouted across the garage, "Hey  DeBakey...Is dat you? Come over here a minute."
   The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car. Morris in a loud voice, all could hear, said argumentatively, "So Mr. fancy doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?"
   DeBakey, very embarrassed, walked away, and said softly, to Morris, "Try doing your work with the engine running."

IN THE children's hospital where I work, a little boy about three years old was brought into the emergency department. He had filled both ears with tiny pebbles. After working over an hour to remove the stones, the doctor asked, "Son, why would you stuff so many pebbles in your ears?" "Because," he replied matter-of-factly, "they kept falling out of my nose."

AN ELDERLY man was admitted to our hospital because of weight loss. The doctor prescribed a medicinal ration of whiskey several times a day to stimulate his appetite, but Mr. Hill enjoyed the "medicine" more than the food. One day I overheard a nurse coaxing the hard-of-hearing patient to eat his dinner. "Mr. Hill," she shouted, "eat your mashed potatoes! Eat your mashed potatoes! Then you can have your whiskey." The nurse returned to her station only to hear a colleague comment, "I don't know what's going on around here. All the patients are asking for extra mashed potatoes!"

AFTER a long delay in the hospital's emergency room, my husband was finally being transferred to an assigned room. "Since I had to wait so long," he quipped, "I deserve a beautiful nurse." Both women in the emergency room assured him this would indeed be the case, so when a young, attractive male nurse took over, my husband remonstrated, "But you promised . . ." "Well," was the reply, "we think he's beautiful."

A WOMAN who works for a doctor usually got her birth-control pills free from a pharmaceutical salesman who dropped by from time to time. One day when she was in short supply, a co-worker told her, "Here's the guy you've been looking for." "Thank goodness," she told the man. "I've been waiting for you. I use ORTHO-NOVUM birth-control pills." A long silence followed before the man identified himself as the business-machine repairman.

EARLY in my career as a doctor, I went to see a patient who was coming out of anesthesia. Far off, church chimes sounded. "I must be in heaven," the woman murmured. Then she saw me. "No, I'm sure I can't be," she said. "There's Dr. Campbell."

THE new typist at our hospital saw one of our obstetricians coming toward her indignantly waving a report she had transcribed. "Miss Jones!" he exclaimed. "I said first trimester — not first try missed her!"

HAVING just completed my training as a hospital switchboard operator, I was reasonably confident that I knew the procedures for every emergency — Code Blue for cardiac arrest, Code Red for fire, and so on. My first night alone, a nurse called. "Code Brown, room two-one-four," she said, and hung up. I had no idea what Code Brown was. After searching frantically through the emergency manual, I called back, explaining that I had paged as instructed, but had never heard of a Code Brown. "Relax," said the nurse, laughing. "Code Brown is what we page when a patient is discharged and leaves behind an unfinished box of chocolates."

A DOCTOR making morning rounds stopped to see a patient who was scheduled for surgery the following day. Would he tell her once more, she asked, what it was he planned to do to her? "Why, Mrs. Smith," he answered, "I've explained this to you several times already. I thought you understood." "Yes, I know you did, Doctor," she replied. "But the woman who cleans my room has told me there's another way to do it."

MY SISTER-IN-LAW is a young doctor. When she was on duty one Sunday, she had to assist at an operation on an accident victim. The patient was injured in such a way that her dress could not be removed without cutting it. My sister-in-law could see that the woman was not affluent and would therefore hate to lose her Sunday outfit. So while the operating team was busy with the preliminaries, she grabbed a pair of scissors and carefully undid the seams.

A SEVERE leg rash prompted a man from a rural area to come to town to be examined by one of my colleagues.  After taking his history and giving him a series of tests, the physician advised the patient that he'd better get rid of the dog that was evidently causing the allergic reaction.  As the man rose to go, my colleague asked him if he planned to sell the animal or give it away.  "Neither one," the patient replied.  "I'm going to get me one of them second opinions I been reading about.  It's a lot easier to find a doctor than a good bird dog."

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform.  He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.  Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind." and refers him to a psychiatrist.  After a few visits to the shrink, he confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."  Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.  The witch doctor says, "I can cure this."  He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.  The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year!  All you have to do is say `123` and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"   The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"  The witch doctor says "All you or your partner has to say is `1234` and it will go down.  But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"  The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news.  So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets an erection.  His wife turns over and says "What did you say `123` for?"

This women of forty, being a rather vain person, decided she needed a face lift.  With her pocketbook as large as her ego, she went to several plastic surgeons before choosing the best money could buy.  The doctor assured her that he could make her look young for many years because of a new technique he used.  After the operation the doc told her that he had put a screw behind each ear that she could tighten as needed to keep her fresh young look.  The woman was pleased for several years until one morning when she noticed bags under her eyes.  Furiously she stormed into the doctor's office demanding to know why there where bags under her eyes.  The doctor replied, "Lady those aren't bags, they're your tits, and if you don't stop turning those screws you're going to have a beard!"

   Joe was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches." "The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
   Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
   He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see . . .size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job."
   Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure . . ." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see. . .34 sleeve and . . . 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job."
   Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure . . ."The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see. . .9 and a half. . . wide." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job."
   Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure . . " The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see. . .7 5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." 
   The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure . . "The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see. . size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing.   The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention ?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me."  "I know !" grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."

THE hospital emergency-room where I worked received word that a child named Billy Cash was en route with his mother. A new orderly was asked to watch for their arrival. The orderly stood his post at the entrance like a soldier. When the door finally swung open, revealing a small boy and a woman, the orderly lurched forward, shouting, "Is this Cash?" Although somewhat taken aback, the woman managed to answer calmly "Well, I have insurance. Will that do?"

"In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces, "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"  The Doctor quickly responded, "$5000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain. "The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"  The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used.

WHEN the sun was shining and the nurses at a university hospital in Holland had a break, they used to lie in lawn chairs to sunbathe and stretch their legs. The chairs were old and kept breaking. The nurses repeatedly asked the authorities for new ones, but they were always turned down. Refusing to let the matter rest, they put on their budget list: stretch apparatus solarium. Their request was granted.

SOME of us on the hospital staff teased a doctor one day about how little respect he received from the nursing personnel. Although we were only kidding, he immediately agreed. Even his family, he said, refused to give him the respect he deserved. Then he told us about the day he baby-sat while his wife went out. This was a rare occasion, as work kept him away from home a lot. That day, when his daughter fell down and skinned her elbow, she went looking for her mother to make it stop hurting. Her father patiently explained that Mommy was gone and she should show the injury to Daddy. She staunchly refused, and continued to cry. Finally, using the best argument he could think of, he told her it was all right to show him her arm because he was a doctor. "Yes," she said, "but you're not my doctor."

A COLLEAGUE of mine was examining an eyebrow laceration on a very active three-year-old. Two nurses and an orderly were required to restrain the screaming child. Noting the incipient swelling and discoloration, the doctor said to the mother, "Billy will be lucky if he comes through this without getting a black eye." "Do what you have to, doctor" she replied. "He's a terror at home too."

STUDYING to become a registered nurse, my granddaughter Kim received her first hospital assignment: a day in the delivery room. Kim was still shaking with excitement as she stood in the corridor after the first delivery was completed. She wondered why the doctors and nurses were laughing as they left the room. "Do you know what you did in there?" one of the nurses asked. "No, I don't," Kim answered. "When the baby came out," said the nurse with a grin, "you clapped."

ACCORDING to a story making the rounds in British medical circles, a much-respected doctor was called to a home he knew well, to a family he adored, to a problem he handled easily. His work done, he sat sipping a cup of tea. Suddenly the children of the house arrived with a crisis. Would he look at their hamster who was mysteriously ill? They knew he was not a vet. They knew he could not guarantee a cure. But would he, could he, look at their hamster? Indulgently, the doctor bent over the inert furry shape and gently poked it. Immediately, the beast seized his finger in its teeth. The doctor gave an involuntary swing of his arm. At the peak of its arc the animal let go and flew into the air-straight into the open jaws of the family German shepherd. One gulp and the hamster was gone. There was a dreadful moment of disbelief, followed by screams of horror. Then the doctor picked up his hat and bag, and slunk into the night.

THE list of papers to be read on alcohol and related diseases at an Advanced Medicine Conference in England read as follows:

09:15 Alcohol in the blood
10:15 Alcohol in the liver
11:15 Alcohol in the pancreas
11:45 Alcohol in the heart
12:15 Alcoholism
12:45 Bar opens

As ACTING coroner, I went to the hospital one night to check on the victim of a fatal accident. An orderly accompanied me down the dimly lit basement hallway that led to the morgue. Aware that the pathologist sometimes worked behind a locked door, I knocked three times. At that, the orderly piped up: "If anyone answers, I'm leaving."

IN THE hospital where I work, the quality of meals offered in the employees' cafeteria is a source of aggravation. Once I watched two young surgeons approach the serving line. After reading the posted menu and looking over the dishes displayed, one doctor turned to the other and remarked, "No doubt about it-this calls for a culinary by-pass." And they left.

"I HAD an operation," said a man to his friend, "and the doctor left a sponge in me."  "That's terrible!" commiserated the friend. "Got any pain?"  "Nah - but do I get thirsty!"

GEORGE needed to have his cataracts removed, but despite all urgings from his family, he flatly refused to risk the operation.  One day at a shopping mall, he and his wife walked towards a bench. After sitting down he reached over and rested his hand upon hers, as he had done many times in their 40 years of marriage. Suddenly a strange woman's face moved into his vision, and she snapped her hand out of his grasp.  Shortly afterwards, George had his cataract operation.

A YOUNG police officer awoke in his hospital room following an appendectomy. He was aware of discomfort in the surgery area, but also noticed with some surprise a painful pulling sensation on the upper part of his torso.  Gingerly lifting his hospital gown the police officer found a ten-centimeter-wide piece of adhesive tape firmly enmeshed in the hair on his chest. Neatly printed on the tape so that he could easily read it looking down was the following message:  "Get well soon!   From the surgery nurse you gave a speeding ticket to yesterday morning."

MY SON Phil, an avid sports fan, was working part- time at a local hospital. Mary, a co-worker, told him that she played on a softball team sponsored by an anesthesiologist on the staff. A game was scheduled for that evening. "Good luck," my son said, "I'll check the results in tomorrow's newspaper." It wasn't until he was driving home that he realized he had forgotten to ask Mary the name of her team. The next day, however, he had no trouble finding the right softball score.

The "Ether Bunnies" had lost, 16-0.

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Last updated October 02, 2015 by Becquet Enterprises