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Great Outdoors


  TWO TALL trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
   The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. One of the tall trees says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
   The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

Montana grizzly bear notice:

   In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field.
   We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.  Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear poop.  Black bear poop is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.  Grizzly bear poop is larger and has little bells in it and smells like pepper.

  Two guys are out hiking.   All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them.  They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them.  The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.  The second guy says, "What are you doing?   He says, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it."  The second guy says, "Are you crazy?  You can't out run a bear."  The first guy says, "I don't have to out run the bear. . . I only have to out run you."

  Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
  The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish. As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"  The other guy says, "Wow!  It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

The wife of an avid hunter decided to find out what all the excitement was about when it came to deer hunting.  So she asked her husband to teach her.  The husband spent all summer teaching her to shoot and about the wily ways of the Whitetail deer.
   Finally, "Opening Day" came around and the pair started off before first light. The husband, flashlight in hand, escorted his wife to her hunting stand and told her that he would be about 300 yards away from her and if she shot a deer he would come running.
   The husband had just reached his stand when he heard his wife shoot. Since it was still too dark to see anything, he feared the worst and went running to his wife's location.  As he neared the location he heard his wife shouting, "IT'S MY DEER, I SHOT IT!!"  He heard a man reply "OK, Lady. Just let me get my saddle off of him."

A MOTHER sardine was exercising her brood one day, when a submarine went by, leaving them in some disorder. "Don't worry," she reassured her family, "it's just a can ful of people."

AFTER much preparation my teenage daughter and I arrived for a week-long canoe trip in Algonquin Park in Ontario. A stiff wind was blowing and waves were crashing into the dock as we finished loading the canoe. To avoid a rocky point on the downwind side of the bay, we started off upwind. After 15 minutes of tough paddling, we were well out in the lake and turned downwind, looking forward to some easy paddling. Our respite was short lived, however, because that's when we looked towards the dock - and saw our car, the doors and trunk still wide open.

IN A secluded, wooded area, my father and brother-in-law were working on a new house. Dad, working alone on his side of the house, amused himself doing bird whistles. One bird kept up a running conversation with him most of the morning, and Dad was amazed at the bird's uncanny mimicry. Breaking for lunch, the men started to relate their morning's activities. And, of course, they both had the same story to tell.

AFTER a day at the resort patterned after a ranch and the featured "short horseback ride" that took about two hours up and down the mountain trails, one guest expressed the saddle-weary feelings of most of us. "Tomorrow, " he said, "they either give me a very skinny horse, or they put the saddle on his neck."

BETWEEN my son's first and second years at college he took a job as camp counselor in Alberta's Crimson Lake Provincial Park - about 16 kilometers from the nearest telephone.
   After about two weeks of not hearing from him, I started to worry that he had never reached the camp. Desperate, I called the RCMP and poured out my fears.
   My son told me later that two Mounties rode into camp and without dismounting asked to speak to him.  As he stood trembling before them, one said, "Write to your mother!"  Then they wheeled their horses about and rode away.

WHILE on a fishing trip, I stopped at a lakeside campground to do some bank fishing.  As I was getting settled, an elderly man in the next campsite began chatting.  He asked if I was alone, and when I replied that I was, he said, "Well, why don't you come on over later?  I've got some cold beer.   We'll lie to each other about fishing for an hour or so, then we'll start cussing the government."  That we did.

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Last updated October 02, 2015 by Becquet Enterprises