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   An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon. 
   "Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?" 
   "Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips." 
   "And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked. 
   "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

A CATTLEMAN rode into a clearing and saw an enraged bull about to charge a cowboy who had become separated from his horse. Head down and nostrils flared, the bull charged. The cowboy dived into a convenient recess in the ground, and the bull plunged across the hole. The cowboy leaped out, and on came the bull again, madder than ever. Back into the hole dropped the cowboy. The cattleman watched this happen half a dozen times, then yelled, "Why don't you just stay in the hole?"  Leaping out again, the cowboy shouted, "There's a bear in that hole."

   THERE once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for ranch hands. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other was a drunk.
   She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
   He turned out to be a fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was really doing well. Then one day the rancher's wife said to the hired hand, "you have done a really good job and we've both done nothing but work for weeks. The ranch looks great, and I'm taking off Saturday night and going into town to kick up my heels and paint the town red, and I think you should do the same."
   The hired hand agreed. Each went into town the next Saturday night. The ranchers wife had dinner with friends, talking, joking, dancing, and having a great time, getting home about midnight. The hired hand wasn't home yet so she decided to wait up for him.
   One o'clock and no hired hand yet. Two o'clock and no hired hand and she began to worry. At two-thirty, in came the hired hand. The rancher's wife was sitting by the fireplace and called him over by her. "Now, I'm your boss," she said, "and you're supposed to do what I tell you, right?" "Well, yes," he answered. 
   "Then unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. He did as she asked.
"Now take off my boots." He did.
"Now take off my socks." He did.
"Now take off my skirt." He did.
"Now take off my bra." Again he did as she asked.
"Now take off my panties." And again he did what she told him. Then she looked at him and said, "Don't ever wear my clothes to town again."

SOME friends were recounting their son's exploits as a rodeo bronc rider. "He hasn't made much money yet," said the father. "But, heck, I figure he's working only five seconds a week."

TALKING over cowboy life with Nevada buckaroo Brian Morris, I once said to him, "Brian, the way everything is going-with more trucks, more fences, more machines being brought in to do the job of a man with a rope and a horse do you think you'll ever be replaced by a machine?" He looked at me and with his marvelous soft drawl he said, "Bill, they just ain't come up with nothin' yet that'll take as much abuse as a cowboy."

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Last updated May 19, 2008 by Becquet's Custom Programming