There was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn one day, when
she happened upon a large pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours
since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out. She ate... And
ate.. .and then .. she ate some more!!!
Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her
tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But
alas...she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.
She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant
situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.
found a solution!! She realized if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again. So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of
handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She dropped like a rock and
splattered all over the floor...
The moral of this sad story?
Never fly off the handle when you know your full of shit"
When you're having a bad day
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to
make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hannifin and could I
please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me!
I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's
correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits.
After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my
desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled
"You're a jerk!" and hung up.
Next to his phone number I wrote the word "Jerk," and put it in my desk
drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd
call him up. He'd answer, and then I'd yell, "You're a jerk!" It
would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real
disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jerk. Then one day I had an
idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name.
"Hi. This is Herman with the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if
you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and
slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because
you're a jerk!"
And the reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if
there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial (602)
When you're having a bad day, Part II
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking
space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally her car began to
move and she started to very slowly back out of the stall. I backed up a little more
to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.
All of a sudden this black Camaro come flying up the parking aisle in the wrong
direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You
can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his
Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear
I thought to myself, this guy's a jerk, there's sure a lot of jerks in this
world. I noticed he had a For Sale sign in the back window of his car. I wrote
down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off
the phone after calling (602) 967-2121 and yelling, "You're a jerk!" (It's
really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial). I noticed the phone
number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this
guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said,
"Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for
"Yes it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's
parked right out front.
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Don, you're a jerk!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I
added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer.
For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem
I had two jerks to call. Then after several months of calling the jerks and hanging up on
them, the whole thing started to seem like an obligation. It just wasn't as
enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with
First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1.
A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."
I yelled "You're a jerk!" But I didn't hang up.
The jerk said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah.."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
"Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jerk!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jerk #2.
He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jerk!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are. . ."
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jerk!"
And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them a big gang
fight was going down at 1802 West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and
headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.
I turned onto 34th Street and parked my car under the shade of a tree half a block
from Jerk #2's house. There were two guys fighting out front.
Suddenly there were about 12 police cars and a helicopter. The police
wrestled the two men to the ground and took them away.
A couple of months go by and I get a call for jury duty. I was picked to be on a
trial of two guys charged with disorderly conduct. As luck would have it, it
happened to be the same two guys. I might have influenced the jury, because when
they announced the verdict, they said, "We the jury find the defendants guilty as
charged . . . . and a couple of jerks!"