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Marriage 

 

   After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform.  
   He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. 
   Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind." And refers him to a psychiatrist.
   After a few visits to the shrink, he confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
   The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year!  All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
   The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"
   The witch doctor says "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"
   The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets an erection.
   His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"


Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion." 
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. 
Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."


An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
   


WHILE employed at a card-and-gift shop, I received a call from a young woman who had ordered wedding invitations just two weeks before. She wanted to know if it was too late to make a few changes on them. I told her to give me the new information and I would check with the printer. "Okay," she said. "It's a different date, a different church and a different guy."


THE generation gap quickly became apparent when I tried to discuss marriage with my daughter, who is very career oriented.  "A husband might not tolerate your ambition forever," I pointed out.  "He might become concerned about how such total dedication to a job could fit into a successful relationship."  "You don't understand, Dad," my daughter countered.   "It's going to be a merger, not a takeover."


   Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
   "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
   His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."


   A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
   So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
   However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.   After all, this was a very delicate matter.
   After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
   One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
   "My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."


   Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
   The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'
   "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"


   Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
   After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
   She says, "I was in bed."
   "In bed this early, doing what?"
   "Getting a second opinion!"


"HUBBY : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Wife : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one ?"


   A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
   One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"
   His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."


   A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
   Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
   Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


A NEWLY married man asked his wife," Would u have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly ," I'd have married u NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"


God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
   

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Last updated May 19, 2008 by Becquet's Custom Programming