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Becquet.ca features . . . Jokes from all over!

Life's like that!

   

Life's Lessons I've learned...

I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night".
 Age 6

I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either.
 Age 7

I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back.
 Age 9

I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again.
 Age 12

I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.
 Age 14

I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me.
 Age 15

I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice.
 Age 24

I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures.
 Age 26

I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there.
 Age 29

I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.
 Age 39

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it.
 Age 42

 I've learned that you can make some one's day by simply sending them a little note.
 Age 44

I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others.
 Age 46

I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.
 Age 47

I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
 Age 48

I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours.
 Age 49

I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone.
 Age 50

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things:  a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
 Age 52

I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills.
 Age 52

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die.
 Age 53

I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life.
 Age 58

I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage.
 Age 61

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
 Age 62

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands.  You need to be able to throw something back.
 Age 64

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you.  But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
 Age 65

I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision.
 Age 66

I've learned that everyone can use a prayer.
 Age 72

I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles.  And to tell the truth, I've seen several.
 Age 75

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
 Age 82

I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone.  People love that human touch - holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
 Age 85

 I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
 Age 92


By a Black Shakespeare
  Dear white fella;  Couple of things you should know
 
  When I was born , I black
  When I grow up, I black
  When I go in sun, I black
  When I cold, I black
  When I scared, I black
  When I sick, I black
  And when I die, I still black
 
  You white fella
  When you born, you pink
  When you grow up, you white
  When you go in sun, you red
  When you cold, you blue
  When you scared, you yellow
  When you sick, you green
  And when you die, you grey
  And you have nerve to call me... Coloured??


OUR office purchased a computer from a local dealer. The day before it was to be delivered, we were informed that our order had been misunderstood and the proper machine would not be ready until the following week. The appointed day arrived, but the computer did not. The delays continued for over a month before we finally had our new desktop computer the wrong model. However, office management decided to accept it. Weeks later a special-delivery package arrived at the office along with a letter from the computer dealer, apologizing for the inconveniences. To show that they valued our business, they asked us to accept the enclosed VCR. It was a CD player.


I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.  "Do you need some help?" I asked.  She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker.  Now I can't get into my car.  Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?"   "Hmmm, I dunno.  Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.   "No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.  As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. . . it's a long walk."


JEFF and I rarely got to say much more than "hello" and "good-by" to each other because at 5 p.m., when I was leaving work for the day, he was just arriving. A while ago, I flung a quick "Hi, Jeff," over my shoulder as I spotted him at his post. He shook his head, looked at me wistfully and replied, "It's a shame we're just two shifts passing in the night."


Our Hero

Cross my heart this happened to someone. 

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.   Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.  Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again. So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees. They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up. He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh crap," he thinks (and feels).  Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or  (b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy. On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap. "Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks.  "No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up.  Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl. "Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: "Oh, OK." He pays for the pants and walks over to his date; then they leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the Bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.


A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nodstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: " I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening."  If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. "These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. "I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. "When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. "Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.

"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
   

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Last updated May 19, 2008 by Becquet's Custom Programming