COMMITTEE: A group of people that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
PUNCTUALITY: the virtue of the bored
TRAFFIC LIGHT: apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.
TELEVISION: movie where people don't step on your feet.
MOVIE: television where people don't interrupt with unexpected visits.
TRANSIT COMPANY: group that complains of bad business when all passengers get a seat.
DIVORCE: postgraduate in School of Love.
PLAYBOY: one who shortens the day by lengthening his night.
BACHELOR OF SCIENCE: one who has mastered the science of remaining a bachelor.
PIONEER: early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of
MAN: a remarkable animal whose head swells when you pat his back.
WOMAN: creature who acts nice to you because she doesn't like you, or mean, because
PEOPLE: some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no
idea what's happened.
LOVE: unseen when it comes, but visible when it goes.
SWIMMING POOL: a mob of people with water in it.
SELF-CONTROL: the ability to eat only one peanut.
SALESMAN: man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink.
CANNIBAL: person who likes to see other people stewed.
EGOCENTRIC: a person who believes he is everything you know you are.
FOREIGN FILM: any movie shown in Texas theater that isn't a western.
OPTIMIST: girl who regards a bulge as a curve.
PESSIMIST: man who looks for a pink slip before the money in his pay envelope.
EPITAPH: a postponed compliment.
IMMIGRATION: the sincerest form of flattery.
MAGAZINE: bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.
MIRACLE: something that never happens in our generation.
OPERA: When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.
FANCY RESTAURANT: One that serves cold soup on purpose.
— Doug Larson
COLLEGE: The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.
— Merrill Furman
KISSING: A means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything
wrong with each other.
— Rene Yasenek
EMERGENCY NUMBERS: Police station, fire department and places that deliver.
BUFFET: A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."
BABY-SITTER: A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out
can behave like teen-agers.
— John R. Fox
TATTOO: Permanent proof of temporary insanity.
— Wise & Aldrich
PCMCIA — People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN — It Still Does Nothing
APPLE — Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI — System Can't See It
DOS — Defunct Operating System
BASIC — Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM — I Blame Microsoft
DEC — Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM — Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 — Obsolete Soon, Too
WWW — World Wide Wait
Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs