Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.
Sing like nobody's listening.
Live like it's Heaven on Earth.
"passionate kiss like spider's web - soon lead to undoing of Fly"
"baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk."
"woman who wears g-string, high on crack."
"wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house."
"man who fight with wife all day, get no peace at night."
"it takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill It."
"man who bounce woman on bed spring this spring have Offspring next spring."
"a man with his hands in pockets feels foolish, but a man With holes in pockets feels nuts."
DON'T be too hard on our politicians. Many of them are doing
the work of two men - Laurel and Hardy.
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
— George Carlin
Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet.
— Robin Williams
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the
only time of the month that I can be myself.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
— Billy Crystal
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a
look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"
— Dave Barry
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too
, where, of course, men are just grateful.
— Jay Leno
I am not the "boss" of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I
don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. — But I've seen
the boss's job — and I don't want it.
— Bill Cosby
In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra.
Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough
attention to women's breasts?
— Jay Leno
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front
lines. They don't know if we can fight — if we can kill. I think we
can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You
see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
— Elayne Boosler
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men
are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause
severe swelling. So what's the problem?
— Jay Leno
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't
think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men
think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
— Jerry Seinfield
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
— George Carlin
The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable
job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At
the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
— Jeff Foxworthy
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time.
— Robin William.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD didn't get any respect as a child. Says
Rodney, "My family never bought a pumpkin - they made me stand in the window."
Why did the chicken cross the road???
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent,
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents
the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and
keep him down.
THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and
He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed
the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
L.A. POLICE DEPARTMENT: Give us five minutes with
the chicken and we'll find out.
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the
road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have
never known any chickens.
DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he
cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've
not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where
all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken
crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good
enough for us.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the
KARL MARX: It was an historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of
rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken
has gone before.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own
eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed
the road. Who cares why? The
end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that
the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released Chicken Coop 98,
which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and
balance your check book and explorer is an inextricable part of the operating system.
EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or
did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT
chicken. What do you mean by Chicken? Could you define chicken please?
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed together.
The chicken is looking very happy and relaxed and smiling while smoking its
cigarette. The egg, however, is not quite so happy. If fact, the egg is looking more
than a little mad. The egg looks over at the chicken and rolls it's eyes and says
aloud to no one in particular:
"Well, I guess we just answered THAT