A doctor tells a rich old man that he's going to die if he
doesn't get a new heart soon.
The old man tells the doctor to search the world for the best
heart available, money is no object. A few days later the doctor calls the old man and says he has found three hearts but they are
The old man reminds the doctor that he is filthy rich and implores him to tell him about the donors they came from.
Well, the first one belonged to 22 year old marathon runner, never smoked, ate only the most healthy foods, was in peak
condition when he was hit by a bus. No damage to the heart, of course. But it costs
The old man, waving off the last part about the cost, asks the
doctor to tell him about the second donor.
This one belonged to a 16 year old long-distance swimmer, high
school kid. Lean and mean. Drowned when he hit his head on the side of the pool. That
heart will set you back $150,000.
Okay,' said the old man, 'what about the third heart?'
Well this one belonged to a 58 year-old man, smoked three packs
of cigarettes a day, weighed over 300 pounds, never exercised, drank like a fish... this heart is going for
Five-hundred grand?!?', the old man exclaimed, 'why so expensive?'
Well', said the doctor, 'this heart belonged to a lawyer... so
it was never used!'
A mature woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her man's
"What about trying Viagara?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for
"No problem" replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't
even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got
A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and the doctor inquires
as to how things went.
"Oh it was horrible, just terrible doctor."
"What happened?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The
effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table,
at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate
love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible."
"What's terrible?" asked the doctor. "Was the sex not good?"
"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll
never be able to show my face in Tim Horton's again."
An older man goes to the Doctor in desire of a prescription for Viagra. The
Doctor looks over the man, and says, "Viagra can be very dangerous and we do not just
dispense it indiscriminately, please bring your wife to my office next week and we'll
discuss this in more detail... So the next week the Man shows up with his wife, the Doctor
asks to see the wife by herself for a few moments and she follows him back to the
examining room. The doctor asks her to disrobe and she does. He then asks her to turn
around in 360 degrees a few times then instructs her to get up on the examining table and
to turn in various positions. He then tells her she can get dressed and goes out to meet
the Male Patient. "Sir", The Doctor Says." There is nothing
wrong with you, I couldn't get an erection either!"
I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist, when early one
morning I received a call from his office saying that I had been rescheduled for early
that morning at 9:30 AM. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was
around 8:45 already. The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I
didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over
hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the
full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the
washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking
extra care to make sure that I was presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes
basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was
in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the procedure,
as I am sure all women do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the
room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here. I
was a little surprised when he said, "My... we have taken a little extra effort this
morning, haven't we?" but I didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of
relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the
evening meal, etc. At 8:30 that evening my 14 year old daughter was getting ready for a
school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom... where's my
washcloth?" I told her to get another from the cabinet. She called back,
"No, I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in
THE patient information form at the doctor's office where I worked included a section
for health complaints. As I checked one patient's form, I noticed that under
"complaints" he had written "none." Asked about this, he said,
"I've been here only five minutes. So far everything is just fine."
A DISTRAUGHT patient phoned her doctor's office. Was it true, the woman wanted to know,
that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest of her life? She was
informed that it was. There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm
wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked 'no
WHEN I called the woman into the eye clinic's examining room,
I told the man sitting next to her he could also go in. We always encouraged family
members to accompany the patient to the examining room at the busy eye clinic where I
worked. After the doctor had examined this patient, he told the man his wife would require
surgery. "She's not my wife," the man said. "I don't even know her."
"I wondered why he was asked to come in with me," the patient added.
"But I thought that since you were so busy, you were doubling up."
WHILE sitting in my doctor's waiting room, I heard the
receptionist make this appeal to a long-winded caller: "Can you just give me the
Reader's Digest version?"
WE SAT in the doctor's office. Forty-five minutes later he
had still not arrived. "What's keeping him?" my husband asked impatiently.
"I think he's delivering a baby," I replied. He glanced at his
watch again. "Well, how far does he have to deliver it?"
A MAN dressed as Napoleon went to see a psychiatrist at the
urging of his wife. "What's your problem?" asked the doctor. "I have
no problem," replied the man. "I'm one of the most famous people in the world. I
have a great army behind me, I have all the money that I will ever need, and I live in
great luxury." "Then why are you here?" "It's because of
my wife," said the man. "She thinks she's Mrs. Levine."
MY GRANDMOTHER had been having trouble with bursitis in her
shoulders, so her doctor recommended that she go to the hospital twice a week for
physiotherapy. Some time later I visited her and was pleased that her condition was much
improved. "I'm glad you decided to go for therapy, " I said enthusiastically.
"Oh, I only went there once," she said. "Arms up, arms down,
throwing balls up in the air and then catching them . . . I decided to stay home instead
and use the movements with a bucket of water and a sponge. I cleaned all the walls in my
apartment and it worked wonders!"
IT WAS a hot summer day and we were sweltering in the waiting
room of the doctor's office - wondering how the miracle of air conditioning had escaped
him. Our little group seemed to swell to a crowd as we awaited his return from what seemed
to be an awfully long lunch. I struck up a conversation with the man next to me who
was there for a company annual medical, as was I. Our man finally returned, but the
two people who had been summoned to the examining rooms could hardly have stripped when
the doctor rushed from the office, his services obviously being required urgently
elsewhere. There was no announcement from the nurse as to how long he would be and my
neighbor was now squirming in his chair, stating the heat had given him a headache and
nausea. Suddenly he got up and approached the nurse. "Please make an
appointment for me on another day," he said. "I'm going home. I'm not feeling
A man decides to take the opportunity while his
wife is away to paint the toilet seat. After he finished, he headed to the kitchen
to raid the refrigerator. The wife comes home sooner than expected, and heads to the
bathroom, sits down and gets the toilet seat stuck to her rear. She becomes upset
and in a panic shouts to her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large
overcoat to cover the stuck seat, and off they go. When they get to the doctor's
office, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asked,
"Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well,
yes." the doctor replied. "But never framed."
AS A psychotherapist, I sometimes asked patients who had made
a great deal of progress to pinpoint the single most helpful piece of advice they had
received in therapy. A woman who had been through a difficult divorce and
case surprised me. The suggestion she appreciated most was: "Put the dirty dishes in
the oven and go to the movies.
BECAUSE my mother had a reaction to a bee sting when we were
on vacation, I went with her to see a doctor immediately upon our return. After she
described the symptoms in detail, the allergist said, "Where did you get stung?"
Mother's hesitation turned into a long silence. Finally I suggested, "Wasn't
it your back, Mother?" Suddenly, she blurted: "Shamrock. Shamrock,
WHEN I called to make an appointment with my eye doctor, the
receptionist said there was an opening the following Saturday at 10 a.m.
"Sorry," I said, "I'm running in an eight-kilometer race at nine, and I
wouldn't make it in time." "How about one-thirty then?" "I
don't know," I began, remembering my daughter's three o'clock dance recital. In
an incredulous tone, the receptionist responded, "Just how slowly do you expect to
MY Two children were spending the afternoon in their
downstairs playroom. When the six-year-old came upstairs I asked her what they were doing.
"Playing doctor," she replied. Knowing that their toy stethoscope
was broken, I wondered how they were managing. I went downstairs to check and discovered
both girls sitting in chairs reading comic books. "Did you decide not to play
doctor?" "We're still playing," piped up the four-year-old.
"We're just waiting to get in to see him!"
"FOR a man your age, you're in terrible shape,"
said the doctor to his patient. "You're going to have to make some changes in your
life-style. First, ask your wife to cook more nutritious meals. Stop working like a dog.
Tell your wife you're going to make a budget, and she has to stick to it. Also have her
keep the kids quiet so you can relax. If you don't take my advice," the doctor
continued "you'll probably be dead in a month" "Doc," the
patient said, "I think this would be more effective coming from you. Please call my
wife and tell her what you've told me." When the man got home, his distraught
wife burst into tears. "You poor, dear man," she sobbed, "you've only
got thirty days to live."
A PSYCHIATRIST was treating a man whose complaint was that
baseball had become an obsession. "It's so bad I can't sleep. I no sooner close my
eyes than I'm out on the pitcher's mound or running around the bases. I wake up more
exhausted than I was when I went to bed. What can I do?"
"Why don't you try dreaming of a beautiful girl in your arms," said the
doctor. "Are you crazy? And lose my turn at bat?"
"THE reason you're so fat," pronounced the
psychiatrist, "is that your whole life is oriented toward food. You like parties for
the hors d'oeuvres. A ball game to you means hot dogs, peanuts and beer. Watching TV is a
long succession of snacks. And -- " "Wait a minute," interrupted the
patient. "Don't you serve anything during psychoanalysis?"
IN MY work as a medical assistant for a pediatrician, I used
to undress the children and weigh them before they were examined. One day a five-year-old
boy came in with his mother. He had a death grip on her hand, but with her encouragement,
I was able to coax his hand to mine and lead him into the examining room. "Now, let's
take off our clothes," I said, "and see how much we weigh." The child
promptly dropped his hand and stopped in his tracks. "You go ahead," he said.
"I don't want to!"
A Veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see
her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had
they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet.
. . *I* don't
need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by
looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a
prescription, handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if *that* doesn't
work, we'll have to have you put to sleep."
I WAS in the doctor's office for a checkup. I grew up in a
small town and I know almost everyone who lives there. The woman sitting next to me with a
little boy was a slight acquaintance. Feeling a need to make conversation, I remarked,
"Oh, but your little boy is just the spitting image of your husband." She
looked at me with the strangest expression and replied, "This is my neighbor's little