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Wedding

  

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar . . . so it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear. . ."


ON THE way to our wedding reception, I said tenderly to my brand-new husband, "It's really special the way your mom and dad love each other so much after all their years of marriage.  The thing I think is especially thoughtful is that each morning he brings a cup of steaming hot coffee to her in bed.  Is that an inherited quality?"  "You bet it is!" my husband said. "I take after my mother."


   A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it.  Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.   "Pop, what do I do first?"  "Get naked and climb into bed." his father replies.
   So, the young man does as he is advised.  The girl is mortified and calls her mama.  "Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies.   After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again.  "What do I do?" he asks.  
   His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice.  A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks. "Well, what is he doing?" mama asks.   "He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"


   During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.  "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows.  When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever'.   I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out."  He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
   It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged.  When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:  "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"  The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."  The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."  The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer.


   A young couple decided to wed.  As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive.  Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
   The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.   "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage."  His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?"   "Oh yes, very much," he said," but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiancée will be put off by them."  "No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed."   Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
   The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom."  Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."  "Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."  "No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiancée will not want to sleep in the same room with me."   Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast.  While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth.  The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth."  "I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.  "Not a word," her mother affirmed.  "Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.
   The loving couple were finally married.  Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well.  That is, until about six months later.  Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off.   Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed.  This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"  "Oh my god," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"


  A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.
  "Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."
  "Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend.   "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"
  The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over this though.   She gave me $20 change!"


Marie just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.  But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went.
  When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.   Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."  "Don't worry Maria", says Mama, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So, up she went again.
  When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother.  "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs," says Mama, "Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again.
  When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!!"  "Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother, "This is a job for Mama!!"


THE wide hoop under my wedding dress and the long train had proved to be quite an inconvenience at the reception. My dress got caught under my chair and every other chair around me, making it quite a production every time I attempted to stand. By the time my new husband rose to give the traditional speech, he was obviously annoyed at the to-do caused by the cumbersome wedding gown. His first words alluded to my attire, and too late did he realize what he had said: "I can't wait to get her home and out of that dress!"


   THE wedding reception was over, and my daughter and her new husband had left to spend the night at her apartment. I wanted to ask her about some gifts and, without thinking, called her. We chatted briefly.
   A little later I discovered that the groom had forgotten his wallet. Since they were leaving on their honeymoon in the morning, I phoned again.
   My son-in-law answered. Sighing deeply when he heard my voice, he said, "Now I know what people mean when they say that you won't get much sleep on your wedding night."


MY FRIEND Marc got married in a small church, and I was surprised to see, for the first time, a woman minister. When I returned home that evening, my roommate inquired about the event.  "It was beautiful," I responded, "but quite unusual - a woman married him."  She looked at me strangely, replying, "And just what, may I ask, did you expect?"


MY FRIENDS and I were looking forward to our girlfriend's wedding. Her fiancée was from Virginia, and three of his "good-looking single" buddies were flying up to Vancouver for the big day. I sat next to an empty chair at the reception, however, as one of the three - Greg - was a no-show. And I'm sure he would have been an entertaining date, for a telegram from Greg, read aloud, said simply: "Sorry I missed it. Enjoying my tour of Vancouver, Washington."


ALONG with our two sons and their escorts, we had been invited to my niece Heather's wedding. Although our boys had not seen their cousins for a few years, they had been close during their adolescent years and were looking forward to this family gathering.  We parked our car and were walking towards the church when my older son noticed a young man, who was obviously an usher, heading in the same direction. Without hesitation he extended his hand and introduced himself. "Hi, I'm Heather's cousin Todd."  The young man, smiling, replied: "Pleased to meet you, Todd. I'm Heather's brother Glen."


   AFTER our friends said their wedding vows and walked out of the church, they were disappointed to find that their car had not been decorated with the usual "Just Married" signs and paraphernalia.
   Disappointed wasn't the word to describe the priest who had just married them. He happened to drive a car that was very similar to the one belonging to the bride and groom!


ALL eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting bridegroom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. Those of us in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the minister smiled broadly.  As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
   

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Last updated May 19, 2008 by Becquet's Custom Programming