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Blonde Humor

   

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hum, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!" 


A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, 
"Shut up, you're next!" 


A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W." 


What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? 

"Is it mine?" 


   Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. 
   As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"


   A Red head was going to by a bull. She left the trailer with the blonde on the other side of the state. The red head had $600 for a bull and she found one for $599. Then the red head went to send a telegram to the blonde. 
   The guy at the counter said $1 for one word. The read head thought and thought for a word then she said "comfortable." Then the man asked her why she picked that word and the red head said, " Well you see my receiver reads kind of slow."


This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?" The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."


A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.


   A blonde went to electronics store and she asked, "How is much is this TV?"  The salesman said, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes." 
   The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes." 
   The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don't sell to blondes." 
   She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?" 
   "Because that is not a TV, it's a microwave."


   A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
   The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
   The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
   The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
   Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.  Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
   The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.


   A guy took a blonde out on a date one night. Eventually they ended up parked at 'lovers point' where they started making out. After things started to progress, the guy thought he might get lucky. After a few more minutes of fooling around, he asked his date, "Do you want to get into the back seat?"
   "NO!" she answered.
   Okay, he thought, maybe she's not ready yet.
   Now he has her shirt and skirt off and the windows are steamed. Things are getting really hot, so he asks again.
   "Do you want to get into the back seat?"
   "NO!" she answers again.
   Now he has her bra off, they're both very sweaty, and she even has his pants unzipped. Okay, he thinks, she HAS to want it now.
   "Do you want to get into the back seat NOW?" he asks again.
   "NO!" she answers yet again.
   Frustrated, he demands, "Well, why not?"
   "Because I want to stay up here with you!"


   A YOUNG ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.  He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?  What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person...because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large...all in the name of humor."  Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee! 


Q. A blond and a brunette jump out of a window at the same time, which one hits the ground first?

A. The brunette - the blond had to stop and ask for directions.


A naturally blond woman got tired of her teenage son's "dumb blond" jokes, so she went to the drugstore and bought a package of brown hair coloring. After she used it, she asked her son what he thought, and he answered, "Opting for artificial intelligence, huh mom?"


WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline) 

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. And, yes, Linda is a blonde.


A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee a sits down to drinking it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peal off prize. She pull off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home; I WON a motor home!" The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!" The blonde replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!" By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor homes because we didn't have that as a prize!" Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!" The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."


Three blondes walk into a bar and ask the bartender for three shots of tequila.  He looks at them and says "OK" and pours their shots.  They all clink glasses and and yell "51 days!"  Then they proceed to slam the shots, looking very self-satisfied.   They look back to the bartender and decide to order another round.  This time they pick up the glasses again and, more gleefully yell " Only 51 days!"   The bartender finally can't stand wondering what they are talking about and asks them what they mean by Only 51 days.  One of the blondes looks at him and says "Well," looking very smug.  "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle.   It took us Only 51 Days. . . . .and on the box it said 4-7 years"


Once there was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. They all had to go to the desert and take one thing. The brunette took a water bottle, the redhead took an umbrella and the blonde took a car-door. They were walking in the desert with their objects and 3 men came up to them and said to the Brunette, "why have you got a water bottle?" The Brunette replied," To drink water!" They asked the redhead, "why do you have an umbrella?" She said, "Because if it gets hot I can have some shade." Then they asked the blonde," Why do you have a car-door?" She replied," If it gets hot all I have to do is roll down the window!"


Julie the blonde was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handywoman. The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for ya.  How would you like to paint the porch?"   "Sure that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, uh, how much do you want?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks OK?" Julie asked. "Yeah that's great.  You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks!  Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife.   "Well she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied. About 15 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?"   "Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"  The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie. "Oh, by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."


WHEN the announcement was posted on the bulletin board of the pending arrival of the school photographer, the older girls buzzed with excitement planning what they would wear. I assured them that the photos would be head-and-shoulders shots, so there would be no need to get dressed up.   The next morning one pretty blonde student came to me in a state of great agitation. "Look at me," she wailed, indicating her faded blue jeans and scuffed runners. "You said they would just take pictures of our heads, but they're going to take full-length photos. It says so right on the notice."   We made a quick trip to the bulletin board, where with a look of utter despair she pointed to the line. . ."Photos will be taken of the entire student body."


What do you call an eternity?
Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.


Why do Blondes have T.G.I.F. written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.


Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland.  After being in the car for four hours, they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left" so they turned around and went home.


What do SMART Blondes and UFO's have in common?
You always hear about them but never see them.


What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of cheerios?
Oh, look Daddy. . .Doughnut seeds.


Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.


Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.


How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.


Why can't Blondes dial 911?
They can't find the 11 on the phone!


How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer?
There is whiteout all over the monitor.


Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.


How do you drown a Blonde?
Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.


Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.


How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.


Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in Movie Theater?
They went to see "Closed for winter".


THE setting sun was trailing a mantle of rose, lavender and gold across the western sky. I drove out of the parking lot and handed my ticket to the young attendant, saying, "Just look at that gorgeous sky!"  She peered eagerly right and left, then asked, "Where, where?"  "Up there," I told her, pointing skyward.  "Oh," she said, crest fallen. "I thought you said 'gorgeous guy!'"


A Blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping and asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde spins around and shouts in her face, "Can't you see I'm winning?!"


A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. Then one day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up. . .you're next!"


Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.


What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look!  They spelled MACY'S wrong!"


How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
   

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Last updated October 02, 2015 by Becquet Enterprises