When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St Peter."
Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household. You have been disobedient and not fulfilled your purpose. I told you to be the spiritual leader in your family. Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him. Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here
A woman was worried whether or not her dead husband made it
to heaven, so she decided to try to contact his spirit by having a séance.
Sure enough, after the usual mumbo-jumbo of calling to the spirits, her husband's voice was heard answering, "Hello
Margaret, this is meeee..."
"Fred," she answered. I just have to know if you're happy there in the
after-life. What's it like there?"
"Ooooooh, it's much more beautiful here than I ever imagined," Fred answered. "The sky is bluer, the air is
cleaner, and the pastures are much more lush and green than I ever expected. And the only thing we do, all day long, are
eat and sleep, eat and sleep, over and over."
"Thank God, you made it to heaven," his wife cried.
"Heaven?" he answered. "What heaven? I'm a buffalo in Montana."
An accountant dies and goes to heaven. He reaches the pearly
gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name. After a few minutes St. Peter comes
running across and says, "I'm sorry I wasn't here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a
remarkable man as yourself."
The accountant is perplexed. "I've tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome," he tells St. Peter.
"It's the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living to the age of 160 and still looking so young,"
says St. Peter. The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, "160? I don't know what you mean. I'm only 40."
St. Peter replies, "But that can't be right - we've seen your time sheets!"
St.
Peter says, "Well Forrest, It's certainly good to see you. We
have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that this place is filling up fast, so we've been administering an entrance examination for
everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass them before you can
get into Heaven. Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here, St. Peter. I
was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam Sure
hope the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.
"Here is the first question: "What days of the week begin with the letter "T"?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest returns the next day , goes up to Saint Peter and says he's ready to answer the exam questions.
Saint Peter says "OK, now that you have had a chance to think about the questions, tell me your answers."
Forrest says, "Well, the first one how many days of the week begin with the letter "T"?
— that'd be Today and Tomorrow.
The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims. "Oh, Forrest! That's not
what I was thinking, but ... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I will give you credit for that answer".
"How about the next one?", asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a
year?"
"Now that one's harder", says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that.........and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest says "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February
second, March second......".
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this.
"And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in
mind, but I'll give you credit for that too.
Can you tell me God's first name ?"
Forrest replied, "Andy".
"OK, OK," said a frustrated St. Peter, "I guess I can understand how
you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of
God?"
"That was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learned it from the song....."ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN......."
President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. "Who goes
there?" inquired St. Peter. "It's me, Bill Clinton".
"What bad things did you do on earth?" Clinton thought a bit and
answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I
didn't inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex but you couldn't hold that against me
because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit
perjury."
After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied,
"OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't
call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but
we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold
your breath waiting for it to freeze over."
Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle
Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson,
"Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a
reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven." Davidson thinks about it
and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself."
The be-feathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to
God. Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God
says, "Ah, yes."
"Well," says Davidson, "You have some major
design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on.". God
goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result.
The computer prints out a slip of paper. God reads it. "It may be that my
invention is flawed," God replies to Arthur Davidson, "but according to My
Computer, more people are riding my invention than yours".
One day three teenage girls were driving along when they had
a terrible accident. They were all sent to heaven. At the gates, they met St. Peter. He
said to them, "Welcome to Heaven. There is only one rule here, don't step on the
ducks, don't bother them, just leave them alone. If you do bother them in any way you will
be handcuffed to the ugliest person in Heaven for all eternity."
The first teen thought that this was rather funny and in all her
laughter stepped back almost falling over. "QUACK!" She had stepped on a duck
and so she was handcuffed to the ugliest person in heaven. The other two teens walked
around Heaven constantly torturing their unlucky friend. As fate would have it the second
teen stepped on a duck also. She was handcuffed to the second ugliest person in Heaven.
The two girls sat moping at the fact that they were chained to these
people for eternity. The next day they saw the third teen, she was handcuffed to the most
gorgeous guy they had ever seen. She looked at them, realizing their questioning
eyes, and said, "He stepped on a duck."
Three friends are in a car driving to the ballgame when a big truck runs them over,
killing them instantly. They find themselves at the Pearly Gates being interviewed by St.
Peter.
"OK, you," he says, pointing to Vito, "How many times did you cheat
on your wife? And don't lie, I'm St. Peter you know."
Vito hangs his head and
replies, "Honestly Pete, I was with two maybe three different broads a week."
St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that used Geo Metro over there,
goodbye." He looks at Eddie and asks, "How many times did you cheat on your
wife?" Eddie replies, "I must admit that in 15 years of marriage I did cheat on
my wife 3 times."
St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that LeBaron,
goodbye." He then looks at Jacob and asks, "And you, how many times did you
cheat on your wife?"
Jacob lifts his head high and replies, "I am proud to say
that over 20 years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife! In fact, my beloved has been
dead for 2 years now and I remained celibate the whole time!"
St. Peter replies,
"Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that Ferrari convertible. Goodbye!"
A
couple of hours later, Vito and Eddie are waiting for Jacob at the park where all three
had planned to meet. Jacob arrives a couple of minutes late in his Ferrari, and his
friends notice that he is sobbing like a baby. Vito asks, "Hey! Whats a matter wid
you? We should be crying! We're stuck with these ugly buckets and you got a new
Ferrari!" Jacob, between sobs replies, "I just saw my wife on a
skateboard!"
The notorious ne'er-do-well went to his reward, and he was
terrified about what awaited him. He had spent years carrying on in saloons and chasing
women. Now he was worried about paying the price. But when he got to the Pearly
Gates, he was welcomed with open arms. "Are you sure you didn't make a mistake?"
he asked Saint Peter.
"No, sir," replied the Saint." There were
never any records kept, and you are just as welcome as anyone."
The man then
noticed a large group standing together in a corner. Every few minutes they would
start to cry and then kick the posterior of whoever was closest to them.
"What's wrong with those guys who are crying and kicking themselves?" the new
arrival asked. "Oh, them," replied Saint Peter. "They also thought we
kept records."
THREE people from different parts of the country
passed away at the same time. They all went up to heaven and were met at the gate by Saint
Peter. The first person was an architect. "I'd like to come in, please," he told
the saint. "All in good time," replied Saint Peter. "But first you
have to pass one small test. You have to spell 'God.' " "Oh, that's easy .
. . G-o-d," he said. "Very good, very good," said Saint Peter.
"Come on in."
The second person to approach was a rancher. "I'd sure like to enter," he
said. "All in good time," replied Saint Peter. "But first you have to
pass a little test. All you have to do is spell 'God.' " "Simple,"
said the man. "G-o-d." "Very good, you can come in."
Then the third person, an attractive business woman, approached. "I'd
like to enter, please." "Well," said Saint Peter, "you'll have
to pass one small test - " "Oh, come on now, Saint," she said.
"I've had it rough all my life. Just because I'm a woman I've had to fight for every
promotion I've gotten. I've had to take lower pay for the same jobs as my male colleagues
and been continually harassed by an MCP boss. Now are you going to give me a hard time
too?" "But it's just a little test. Spell
'Czechoslovakia.'
A MAN named
Smith was sitting on his roof during a flood, and the water was up to his feet. Before
long a fellow in a canoe paddled past and shouted, "Can I give you a lift to higher
ground?" "No, thanks," said Smith. "I have faith in the Lord and
he will save me."
Soon the water rose to Smith's waist. At this point a
motorboat pulled up and someone called out, "Can I give you a lift to higher
ground?" "No, thanks. I have faith in the Lord and he will save
me."
Later a helicopter flew by, and Smith was now standing on the roof with
water up to his neck. "Grab the rope," yelled the pilot. "I'll pull you
up." "No, thanks," said Smith. "I have faith in the Lord and he
will save me."
But after hours of treading water, poor exhausted Smith drowned and
went to his reward.
As he arrived at the Pearly Gates, Smith met his maker and complained
about this turn of events. "Tell me, Lord," he said, "I had such faith in
you to save me and you let me down. What happened?"
To which the Lord
replied, "What do you want from me? I sent you two boats and a helicopter!"
Three men were standing in line to get into
heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to
tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked
to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your
story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has
been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I
came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching
around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went
out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors
above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him,
but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my
apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he
couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell — but even after 25 stories, he
fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into
the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing
him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and
died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the
man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full,
and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my
apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well,
this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I
got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I
couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I
thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held
on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started
pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the
bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be
okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm
here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible
death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that
heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third
man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator. . ."
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds
himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused
on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you
enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you
also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done
before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill
replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?" St. Peter said,
"I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your
decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" "I'll
leave that up to you." "Okay then," said Bill, Let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear
waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and
frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see
heaven!" "Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps
and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute,
and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.
"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."
So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on
the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill,
shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured
by demons. "How's everything going?" he asked Bill. Bill responded, with
his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is
nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is
happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the
scantily clad women playing in the water????"
"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.
A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his
presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for
the cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed
into Heaven.
A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these
proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning
the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay,
we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff." The preacher is
astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold
staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabby."
St. Peter responded
matter-of-factly: "Here we are interested in results. When you preached,
people slept. When the cabby drove his taxi, people prayed."
Henry Ford went to Heaven upon his death and was
given a warm welcome at the pearly gates. St. Peter, after completing the formalities,
asked him how he would like to spend his time. Ford, the great inventor, asked to see some
of the inventors before him. So St. Peter printed out the list of all the inventors
currently (doing time) in heaven. As Ford started to go through the list, he came across
the name Adam.
He queried if it was the same guy who discovered Eve, the woman. St. Peters
confirmed that indeed Adam was the man credited with the invention of women. Ford
requested an audience with Adam, as he had a few things to straighten out with him.
When the scheduled meeting took place, Ford was all over Adam, attacking him
for the flaws in his invention. "Your invention is the most stupid work of
engineering I ever saw. There is too much of front end protrusion, the rear end wobbles
too much, it chatters at high speeds and the intake is placed too close to the
exhaust."
Obviously, Adam doesn't like it too much. He thinks for a while and then
leads Henry Ford to the Celestial Computer. He works with the enormous data-banks
and in a few minutes there are beeps and all that, and out come a few charts and graphs.
"Look here, Mr. Ford. Despite all the flaws you pointed out, data shows that there
are more men riding my product than yours."
This 85 year old couple, having been married
almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years
mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion
which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As
they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to
cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home
backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed
to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked,
"what are the green fees?". Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play
for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the
cuisine's of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter
replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low
cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like
of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and
stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him
down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This
is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten
years ago!"
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met
at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives,
that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want."
The first nun says, "I want-a to be Sophia Loren"
and <poof!> she's gone.
The second says, "I want-a to be Madonna" and
<poof!> she's gone.
The third says, "I want-a to be Sara
Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry but that
name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit
and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back
to her and says "No Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days'!
"