Internet Humor

Badtimes Virus Warning

If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately.

   Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 900 numbers.
   This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer.
   (For Gods sake man are you listening?!?!)
   It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only funny until someone loses an eye. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating indetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.
If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

**WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN.**

And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm, shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks, that will ignite onto the person nearest you.

Send send send send send.

[In case you are a blonde, this is a joke.]

   One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.
   So he called on a female angel and sent her to Earth for a time.
   When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.
   Well, he thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a male angel; to get both points of view.
   So God called a male angel and sent him to Earth for a time.
   When the male angel returned he went to God and told him yes, the Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.
   God said this was not good. He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good and encourage them a little, something to help them keep going.
   Do you know what that E-mail said?
   Oh! You didn't get one either huh?


1. Home is where you hang your @.
2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. In some places, C: is the root of all directories.
8. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. Don't byte off more than you can view.
14. Fax is stranger than fiction.
15. What boots up must come down.
16. Windows will never cease.
17. Virtual reality is its own reward.
18. Modulation in all things.
19. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks
20. There's no place like your home page


If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Bad times," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous E-mail virus yet!!!!!!!!!! It will completely rewrite your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It also demagnetizes the strips on all your credit cards, reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will give your ex-boy/girl friend your new phone number.   Maybe BOTH!!
   This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your Mountain Dew and leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic. When executed, "Bad times" will also give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. "Bad times" will give you Dutch Elm disease and brown patch. If the "Bad times" mail message is opened in a Windows 95 environment it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
   Be afraid. Be very, very afraid.

   A lady was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to her and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into your dream guy." She bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in her purse.
   The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a stud, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The lady took the frog out of her purse, smiled at it, and returned it to her purse.
   The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a hot guy, I will be your loving companion for am entire month." The lady took the frog out of her purse, smiled at it, and returned it to her purse once more.
   The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a man I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the lady took the frog out of her purse, smiled at it, and returned it to her purse.
   Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a stud and flexible, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The lady smiled and said, "Look, I have AOL. I don't really have time for a man, but a talking frog is cool."