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Weather

   

ONE cold autumn night, we sat comfortable and warm in our living room listening to the weather report. My brother dreamily asked, "I wonder what the temperature is in Florida?"  I added, "I wonder what it is in Hawaii!"  My grandfather grumpily asked, "I wonder what it is in Fahrenheit!"


A FRIEND'S husband, a meteorologist, was to be transferred to a weather station in Alaska. Since grocery prices there are exorbitant, it was suggested that they buy certain items before they left and ship them. Prior to their departure date, my friend was shopping at a supermarket, unaware that a man was watching her as she piled case after case into her two carts. Finally the man stopped her. "Miss," he said, "I was just wondering. DO YOU know something I don't know?"


Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.  They loaded up Jack's station wagon and headed north.  After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.  They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive, large-breasted lady of the house if they could spend the night.  "I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."  "Not to worry," smiled Jack.  "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn."  The next morning at the crack of dawn, the two were back on the road. . .About a month later, Jack, while reading his mail, turned to his good buddy and said: "Bob, do you remember that good looking young widow at the farm we stayed at?"  Bob smiled knowingly: "Yes, I do."  Jack glared at him and asked: "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"   "Yes," smirked Bob. "I have to admit that I did."  Jack scowled: "Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"   Bob's face turned red: "Yeah, I'm afraid I did. . ."Jack continued: "Well, I just got a letter addressed to me from her attorney.  Seems she died suddenly in a car accident and I was named her sole heir!"


   ON A recent trip to Auyuittuq National Park, on Baffin Island, we were blessed with the sunniest weather in seven summers. Inuit wardens were so astonished at the warmth that - reversing roles - they stopped a tourist to take a photograph of someone wearing shorts.


   GALE-FORCE winds and frigid temperatures had taken their toll: Snapped electric wires were sparking and snaking about the snowdrifts. As a foot patrolman, I was assigned to a desolate intersection to provide security at the scene of a downed wire.
   It was 12:40 a.m. and -19 degrees when I relieved the initial guardian of this dangerous area. He pointed out the thin line swinging ferociously from the main electric circuit, as he entered the squad car for his return to warmth. I pulled my coat collar up to my earmuffs and took up my position to protect the public. Finally, at 5:40 a.m., a utility truck arrived. The linemen checked the wires, then, laughing, descended toward me.
   "Well, mate," one of them said, "congratulations. You've successfully guarded a frozen kite string all night."


JADE, my friend's 16-year- old grandson, stopped by on his way to his friend's home in the country. Since central Alberta was experiencing temperatures of -30C, she was concerned about his safety and asked, "Do you have something with you to keep from freezing if you go in the ditch: "Yes," he replied, "a cellular phone."


HAVING always lived in Toronto, my sister was puzzled by this weather forecast she heard on the radio soon after moving to the West Coast: "Rain in the morning turning to showers in the afternoon."


   DURING a blizzard I was crawling along in a line of cars on the local highway. Visibility was limited to a few meters, and I rolled my window down to see what was delaying us.
   Ahead, a police car with a flashing light was pulled up beside two cars with crumpled bumpers locked. Before them stood a rugged young policeman in shirt sleeves, efficiently signaling us around the wreck with a red flashlight. As I drew near, the window of a car going the opposite way rolled down, and a middle-aged woman thrust out her head.
   "Jo-Jo! Put on your jacket!" she commanded.
   The young officer winced.
   "Aw, Mom!" he protested.  But seeing the determined set of her mouth, he reluctantly reached into his patrol car and drew out his trooper's jacket.


   IN EARLY spring, while still experiencing unusually severe winter weather, I went to the grocery store for my weekly shopping. On my way home I noticed a number of drivers slow down to read a sign on a service station billboard.  In bold black letters on a bright yellow background were the words, THINK SPRING. I chuckled as I skidded and slid along the road home.
   Two weeks later, the forecast was still gloomy - snow, and more snow. While driving by the same service station, I noticed one word had been added to the sign. It now read: THINK SPRING - HARDER.


I HAD just moved north and was feeling apprehensive about the severity of the winters in my new home. My anxious queries about the weather brought this reply from a native: "Ma'am, we have four seasons here - early winter, midwinter, late winter and next winter."


DURING the first heavy snowfall of the year, I ran upstairs to my apartment to retrieve the plastic storage box in which I kept the winter supplies for my car. Hurrying back out of the building, I slipped on the last step, fell forward, landed flat on my stomach on top of the container and skidded across the icy parking lot. As I stood up, trying to restore my dignity, a voice called out to me: "Aren't those Rubbermaid products wonderful? They just seem to have so many uses."


THE city was submerged in a torrential rain. After work, I boarded a bus for home and was listening only vaguely as the driver bellowed each of the street stops. However, as we approached my street, transformed into a small lake by an ineffective drainage system, he pulled me from my reverie by singing out, "All ashore who's going ashore."
   

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Last updated October 02, 2015 by Becquet Enterprises