A FRIEND of mine bought a new car, and since his old one was
of little value except for four good tires, he decided to sell it for a hundred dollars. A
gentleman in his late 80s who lived across the street bought the car, and my friend drove
it to the man's property and parked it under a big tree. Every morning this spry old
chap was out bright and early dusting off the car. He would then spend some time
sitting in the front seat. Once in a while he would lift up the hood or open the
trunk. After watching the routine for some time, my friend asked, "Why in the
world do you want that old car?" "Well, it's like this," the man
replied. "All my life I've wanted a car and never had one. Now, I've got
one!" With a contented smile, he continued his dusting.
AN
elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11
grandchildren, and last night I had an affair. I made love to two 21 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"Are you kidding? I'm telling everybody!"
"YOU'RE in incredibly fine condition," the doctor concluded
after finishing a thorough physical. "How old did you say you were, sir?"
"Seventy-eight."
"Seventy-eight! Why, you have the health of a sixty-year-old. What's your secret?"
"I guess, Doc, it's due to a pact the wife and I made when we got married. She promised that if she was ever about to lose
her temper, she'd stay in the kitchen 'till she cooled off. And I pledged that when I got angry I'd keep quiet, too, and
go outside until I calmed down."
"I don't understand," said the doctor, "How could that help you stay so fit?"
"Well, the patient explained, "I guess you could say I've lived an outdoor life.
"A COUPLE
had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their
60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.
During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would
give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than
me."
The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.
THREE older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.
One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I
need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way
up or on my way down."
The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood!" as she rapped her knuckles on the table,
then told them "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
THE little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds
that cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there
that night.
Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking.
"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then
paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.
There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front
of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one
pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell
what they were thinking.
"That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his french fries one young man
stood and came over to the old couples table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old
couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and
occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy
them something to eat.
This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could
stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely
refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady.
"Maam, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"
She answered, "the teeth".
Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," announced the sixty year old. "You
always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and
nothing comes out!" "Ah, that's nothing," said the seventy year old.
"When you're seventy, you can't take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat
bran - you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out !" "Actually,"
said the eighty year old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have
trouble peeing too?", asked the sixty year old. "No ... not really. I pee
every morning at 6AM. I piss like a race horse - no problem at all." "Do you
have trouble taking a crap?", asked the seventy year old. "No, not really. I
have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30." With great exasperation, the
sixty year old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at six o'clock
and take a crap every morning at six thirty. What's so tough about being eighty ?"
To which the eighty year old replied, "I don't wake up
until ten."
FOLLOWING retirement, Father, restless and wishing still to be active, worked as
caretaker at a local cemetery, a job he held until he was 85. Part of his work involved
jumping into the hole and squaring out the edges with a shovel so the casket would fit
better. One day as he climbed out, he stumbled stepping over the curtained railing around
the grave. Experiencing pain in his ribs, he reported to the local hospital emergency room
where he was examined by a young resident. My sister in-law, who worked in the hospital,
went to the emergency room to see what was wrong with Father. "Well," replied
the unbelieving doctor, "according to his story, he jumped out of a grave."
MY WIFE and I enjoy the comfort and warmth of our wood-burning stove, but bringing the
logs up from the cellar proved to be too much for us octogenarians. Recalling that dumb
waiters once had been used to carry meals from one floor to another, we agreed that
something like that could easily lift a few chunks of wood. We ran an ad in the local
newspaper: "Wanted: Dumbwaiter — the kind used to transport meals from a lower
to an upper floor. Condition not important but must be restorable." Result? No
dumbwaiter, but three people called — two requesting an interview and the third to
ask if this would be permanent and what was the salary offered.
A RETIRED friend of mine who used to administer driver's tests to license applicants
tells about the time he gave a teenager her road test. After the completion of the drive,
he said that she still needed practice and that he couldn't pass her where upon she burst
into tears. "You just hate my family!" she cried. "What?" said my
friend. "I don't even know your family." "Yes, you do," she said.
"You flunked my grandmother, you flunked my mother and now you're flunking
me!"
MY COUSIN Ella worked for a social service agency and was responsible for keeping the
elderly and poor informed about available programs. Upon hearing of a woman living alone
in the country Ella set out to meet her, and found her chopping wood. Ella introduced
herself explained the options open to the woman and concluded her presentation by asking,
"Now, what can I do to help you?" "You can grab an ax!" the woman
replied.
WHEN I was a maintenance worker at a senior citizens'
residence, I spent much of my day responding to service calls. I remember the time I was
called to fix a door that wasn't locking properly. Arriving at the apartment, I knocked
and, getting no answer, kneeled to examine the lock. At that moment the door opened to
reveal a woman in her eighties obviously startled by my kneeling posture. Then it was my
turn to be surprised. She threw up her hands and laughingly exclaimed, "I
accept!"
A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing,
when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man
answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman." "What's
wrong with that?" asks the young man. Between his sobs and sniffles, he
answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make
love. . . At lunch time she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my
favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me
oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at supper time, and all night
long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young
man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the
perfect relationship. Why are you crying?" The senile old man answers,
again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."
A couple have been married forty years and are
revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. As they are driving
through the secluded countryside, they pass a ranch with a tall deer fence running along
the road. The woman says, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here
forty years ago!" The guy stops the car. His wife backs against the
fence, and he immediately jumps her like a bass on a june-bug. They make love like
never before. Back in the car, the guys says, "Darlin', you sure never moved
like that forty year ago — or any time since that I can remember." The
woman says, "Forty years ago that goddamn fence wasn't electrified!"
An 83-year old women decided that she'd seen and done
everything, and the time had come to depart from this world. After considering
various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest
and surest way method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was,
she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked
him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.
So she shot herself in the left kneecap.
A 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on
her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a
while then says, "You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?" She
says, "I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an
eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again.
He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old
ass?" She says, "Well, your name never came up."
As A professional homemaker, I help invalids and elderly
people with their housework. One day I remarked to an elderly couple that there was never
any dust in their house. "No," explained the husband, sadly, "we don't move
fast enough to make any."
As a district governor for the Lions Club, I had just
delivered a speech to a group of senior citizens and was preparing to leave when I stopped
to chat with a man in a wheelchair. After a few minutes I smiled and said casually,
"Well, perhaps I'll be seeing you. I hope you get better." He grinned back and
said, "Young fellow, I've been listening to you speak, and I hope that you get better
too."
ON ADMISSION to the nursing home where I worked, each new
resident was interviewed by a social worker. During one session, an alert, twinkling eyed
96-year-old man was asked, "Did you have a happy childhood?" "So far, so
good!" he replied.
WHILE waiting for a traffic light to change on a busy street
corner, I fell into conversation with a woman. Like me she was no longer young. As one
word led to another, she said, "If you live alone and don't use your brain it dries
up. It's very important to spend time with people, to keep busy. That is why, although I
am over 80, I still work." I complimented her and asked what she did for a living. By
this time we had reached the other side of the street and our brief meeting ended with her
unexpected answer: "I take care of an old lady. "
WHEN visiting my father at the nursing home where he lives, I
always declined the offer of a meal. The food seemed monotonous an opinion tacitly shared
by the residents. One evening after the dinner trays had been delivered, an elderly
woman looked over the selection, sighed and intoned, "Hebrews 1 3: 8." The
biblical selection that she cited reads: "Jesus Christ the same yesterday, and today,
and forever."
AS A patient in a teaching hospital, my 82-year-old father
soon learned to accept the eager teams of student therapists, nurses and interns who
considered it a personal challenge to restore his injured body to full activity. But his
patience finally gave way when one staff member too many inquired about the
un-medical
mystery on his chart. When that unlucky person asked, "What were you doing six
meters up a tree?" Dad tartly snapped back, "Minding my own business!"
A FEW years ago, my cousin Catherine walked into my aunt
Mamie's bedroom carrying a birthday cake full of candles.
"What's that for?" demanded my elderly aunt.
"It's your birthday," said Catherine. "You're 93 years old
today."
"That's ridiculous! It can't be so!"
"Yes, it is, Mother," said Catherine. "After all, I'm over 70
myself." To that Aunt Mamie replied, "That's your problem."
A RETIRED couple moved to Nova Scotia to open a tearoom. A
few days after the grand opening, they noticed an elderly woman hobble over to another
table and address the young woman seated there.
"I know you!" she said loudly. "You're a hooker!
"I . . ." stammered the young woman. "Well, I wasn't this
morning." "You're a hooker," insisted the elderly woman. "I
know, because I'm one too." She paused, then added, "I saw you just last
week at the rug-hooking store."
WHEN my flight was called, an elderly couple preceded me
along the boarding ramp. We entered the airport bus, where a stewardess collected our
boarding passes. As we were being driven along the runway the woman said, "What do
you think, Pa?" He scratched his chin and replied, "Danged if I know - never
seen one without wings before."
OUR friend, who had just turned 60, was doing some spring
planting with the help of his 91 year-old father. When the older man began to put up
beanpoles in straight lines, the son suggested that stacking them teepee-style was better.
A disagreement arose.
"Dad," our friend finally said, sighing, "this is my garden, and I
want to use the teepees."
The father threw down his hoe and stomped off towards the house. "You
kids!" he snorted over his shoulder. "Turn sixty and think that you know
everything!"
MY 83-year-old great-aunt, who swims regularly, decided to
buy a new bathing suit. After searching for some time she discovered a black
one-piece suit. "Well, I like the style of this one," she said, "but
I can't wear black. It makes me look ten years older."
Canada's retirement capital, Victoria, is truly a place to
grow old gracefully. A neighbor of mine received his first Old Age Security check and
spent it on a course in hang gliding.
I WAS talking to an older woman who had tried to call her
sister in England using DDD (direct distance dialing). She couldn't get through, so I told
her that DDD was not available from her town and that her call had to be placed with an
operator. She insisted that she had called the previous week and had got through.
"I'm sorry but there is no possible way you could have dialed from that phone,"
I explained. She thought for a moment, then said, "You're right. I used the phone in
the bedroom."
A FRIEND was trying to influence his elderly mother to enjoy
the money she had accumulated through frugal living. "Mother," he said,
"you have enough money to last you till you're one hundred." To which she
quickly replied "And then what'll I do?"
A LITTLE old lady was selling seashells on a street corner.
One day a well dressed man passed by her, and she grabbed his arm. "How about
some nice seashells?" she asked. "No, thank you," the man replied.
Suddenly the woman clutched her throat and fell to the pavement, "What's
wrong?" asked the man. "I'm going fast," the old woman wheezed.
"Please buy some shells." Deeply touched, the man handed over enough money for
all the shells just before her eyes slid peacefully shut. The next day the man was
walking down the street and saw the woman again vending her wares. "Hey," he
yelled to a police officer, "I thought she passed away yesterday." The
officer smiled knowingly. "Ah, but you were conned," he said. "You see, she
sells seashells by the seizure."
I WAS waiting my turn in a physiotherapist's office when an
elderly couple walked in and sat beside me. The gentleman and I were gazing out the window
at the young women taking advantage of the beautiful weather in their shorts and halter
tops. He turned around and caught his wife looking at him. He smiled and said, "I'm
having visual therapy."
THE 81-year-old Spaniard came to Canada to visit his son.
Very active despite his age, he went out daily for such long walks that sometimes his son
worried that his father would get lost. The old man was unable to ask for directions in
English. When he returned one afternoon after an unusually long absence, his son
told him how concerned he was. The father listened carefully and then, with a grin,
replied: "Don't worry, I take precautions. I wrote down the name of your
street." Then he reached into his pocket and triumphantly showed his son the
piece of paper on which he had neatly printed: "NO EXIT."
MOTHER, in her 80s, was gravely ill. My sisters and I took
turns sitting at her bedside as she drifted in and out of a coma. Early one morning,
while I sat half asleep beside her bed, she nudged me awake. "Dear," she asked,
"do you think God forgives us our sins?" Tears came to my eyes as I bent
to reassure her. "Of course he does," I said. "Besides, what have you ever
done that you'd need forgiveness?" Mother closed her eyes. "That,"
she said, "is none of your business."
MY AUNT and uncle, who lived together 45 years, were known
for their vocal disagreements. "We get along half the time, and the other half we
bargain for," my aunt once told me.
The last time I saw her they were still arguing - even though Uncle John had been
dead for six years. "He comes back to visit and I tell him he's dead, but he
insists he's as alive as I am," she said. "Finally we made a bargain. Half
the time I believe he's alive, and the other half he believes he's dead."
"How does it work out?" I asked.
"Ask him," she said.
IN OUR family, my aunt is thought of as a merry old soul
because she sings as she goes about her daily routine.
One day I took the time to listen to the words of her songs, only to hear,
"Now let me see, where did I put my keys?" and "I've got to remember to
turn off the oven."
I asked why she sang about such trivial things. "Hubie," she answered,
"if people hear me singing, they think I'm a happy old buzzard. If they hear me
talking to myself, they'll think I'm daft and send me off to a rest home."
WHEN my father, who lived in a nursing home, received an
invitation to a wedding and dance, the other residents were as interested as he was. As
the home was near the church and the hall, he accepted. When it came time to leave the
festivities, his grandson, a member of the RCMP, offered to take him home. The next
morning, the residents were all agog. "Did you have a good time?" asked one.
"Did I ever," my father replied. "Why, I had to be escorted home by
a policeman!"
MY FATHER, at age 93, had only the most basic needs and very
few wants. Last fall my sister-in-law, hoping to get a little help in choosing a
suitable birthday gift for him, asked, "Pa, what would you like for your birthday
this year?"
"Nothing, " he replied.
"But, Pa," she kidded, "that's what we gave you last year."
"Well," he answered, "I'm still using it,"
MY Friend's mother-in-law, a 90-year-old former professional
cook, lived by herself. One day a Meals on Wheels representative called and asked if
she'd like to participate in their program. She said she would. Then would twice a
week be agreeable? Twice a week would be fine, she said. Would 12 noon suit her?
No, said my friend's mother-in-law firmly. That would not give the Meals on
Wheels people enough time to deliver the lunches she was going to prepare for them. She'd
have them ready to be picked up at 11:30.
AS A cub reporter, I interviewed a woman on her 100th
birthday. She proved to be a sparkling, intelligent person who delighted in
recalling events from her colorful yesteryears. "I've lived from the
covered-wagon age to the airplane age and loved every minute of it," she exclaimed,
her blue eyes dancing and her face glowing. When I had exhausted all my questions,
she seemed reluctant to end the conversation, so I voiced one more inquiry.
"Have you ever been bedridden?" "Oh, honey," came the instant
reply, "hundreds of times and twice in a hay-stack!"
I HAD just reached the wicket to purchase tickets to an
exhibit. My friend was counting out admission money when I noticed the DISCOUNT TO SENIORS
sign overhead. Only then did it occur to me that I had qualified at my last birthday, the
month before. I was so excited at the prospect of a discount for the first time that I
yelled out: "Wait. Don't pay full price for me. I get a seniors'
discount!" Then, quietly, I asked the ticket seller if he needed proof of my
age. In a voice heard by everyone standing behind me, he said, "Lady, any woman
who would yell out her age like you did doesn't have to show me proof."