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Overheard

  

While at the beach, I overheard a woman ask the lifeguard what time it was. He glanced up at the sun for a second and said, "It's two-twenty, ma'am." I could not resist checking my watch and calling up to him, "That's pretty good; it's two-twenty-two." He glanced again at the sun and said, "Yep, you're right."


The neighbourhood supermarket was undergoing reorganization. Products were being rearranged on the shelves, and the place was a mess. I passed a woman who, like myself, had been wandering the aisles, and I overheard her remark to a clerk, "Oh, dear, you'll have to move that. I can find it."


A boy, age about ten, was overheard while grocery shopping with his well dressed, advertising executive mother. Boy: "But I like that cereal. Why won't you buy it?" Mother: "Because we lost the account, that's why!"


Overheard: "His whole family is known for their poor judgment. One uncle was a safari leader whose last words were: 'It's okay -- that lion has just eaten.'"


THE WORLD WAS STUNNED BY THE NEWS TODAY
OF THE DEATH OF THE ENERGIZER BUNNY.

He was six years old.  Authorities believe that the death occurred at approximately 8:42 PM last evening.  Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going, and going.  "Pinkie", as he was known to his friends and relatives, was alone at the time of his death.  An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning.  Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over stimulation.  Apparently, someone had put Mr. Bunny's batteries in backwards, and he kept coming, and coming, and  coming. . . . .


A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why she left her last employment, she replied, "Yes, sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked.
   They played a game called Bridge, and last night a lot of folks were there.  As I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say, "Lay down and let's see what you've got."  Another man said, "I've got strength but no length."  Another man says to the lady, "Take your hand off my trick!"
   I pretty near dropped dead just then, when the lady answered, "You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength for one raise." 
  Another lady was talking about protecting her honor and two other ladies were talking and one said, "Now it's time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine."
   Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving, I hope to die if one of them didn't say, "Well, I guess we'll go home now.  This is the last rubber."


Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving"
New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly"
Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"
New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning"
Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Neighbor 1: "That is right"
New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family"
Neighbor 1: "Right again"
New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife"
Neighbor 1: "Correct"
New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual."
Neighbor 1: "Yup"
New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning"
Neighbor 1: "Cool"

Later that same day. . .

Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door"
Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"
Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job"
Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"
Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University"
Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that"
Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 2: "No"
Neighbor 1: "Fag."


First woman: "That's a lovely coat you're wearing."
Second woman: "Oh, thank you. My husband gave it to me for my fortieth birthday."
First woman: "Really?  It certainly has worn well."


Overheard in the supermarket: "I don't like the looks of this codfish."
"Lady, for looks you don't buy codfish — you buy goldfish."


On weekend nights, New York City's Greenwich Village is filled with people who, after spending a long evening in a bar, wander the streets talking loudly.  I live in a ground-floor corner apartment, so I'm privy to conversations on two streets.  One Sunday at 3 a.m., I was awakened by a man declaiming, "To be, or not to be: That is the question!  I'm the best Hamlet in this city.  I should have gotten the part!"  Then another said, "You're right you should have gotten it."  Their discussion of the fellow's acting qualifications continued.   I was annoyed, but knew that to shout, "Be quiet!" would only lead to more noise.  "To be or not to be," the man yelled again.  Then, from one of the windows above me, I heard an irate voice call out, "To sleep!   Perchance to dream!"  There was silence for a moment, then a giggle.   I heard soft footsteps fading away, and not another word.


Two ladies behind me in the checkout line were carrying on a conversation.  They switched from one subject to the next at rapid fire speed, and eventually their discussion turned to the art of driving.  "That reminds me," said one lady, "I have to find someone who knows about cars and ask him to take a look at my engine."  Turning to me, she asked, "Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"  "Certainly," I replied, "but I don't know anything about cars."


I Overheard snatches of a one-sided conversation on a crowded bus one morning between a mother and her son: "You know you have to study more if you want to get into med. school. . . . I really hope these afternoon tutorials are helping . . . . David, are you listening? . . . You won't go anywhere in life. . . . " There was no response to the mother's words.  As the bus emptied, I turned around to peek at the people into whose lives I had been eavesdropping.  Imagine my surprise when I saw an elementary school-aged child sitting quietly beside his mother, oblivious to her advice as he played with a G.I. Joe figure!


I WAS walking a little more slowly than usual, admiring the skill of a guide dog ahead of me as it gently steered its blind mistress to the sloping curb at the street corner.  That was how I came to hear this bit of reassuring gallantry:

Elderly man: "Mrs. King!  How are you?  That's quite a wind, isn't it?"
Blind woman: "Yes, Mr. Stephens, it is gusty."
Elderly man: "But your hair still looks very nice."


One evening when a friend and I were out for a walk, we overheard neighbors from India talking to one another in their native language.  As we passed by their kitchen window, we admired the colorful sari worn by the mother, and wondered what exotic meal she was preparing.  Then we heard her yell to someone in the backyard, and our enchantment was shattered.  "Hey, you guys!" she called.  "How do you want your hamburgers — rare or well done?"


In a supermarket, I overheard two women talking in the next aisle. "Horace and I have been together ten years now and he makes me very happy" one said.  "So I don't mind buying him what he likes even if it is more expensive "  "Well, with my Benny I have no choice," her friend replied.  "He's just plain fussy."  I turned into their aisle.   Both women were loading their shopping carts with high-quality cat food.


Two weeks of not shaving had produced a respectable beard, I thought, and I was confident the teasing of family and friends would finally cease. The unkindest cut of all, however, was delivered in the local restaurant.  I heard my waitress instruct another to "Give the burger to the guy over there who didn't shave this morning."


I was browsing in a china shop when a clerk approached an older gentleman standing near me.  "Has someone been looking after you, sir?" she inquired solicitously.  Casting an affectionate look at an older woman, obviously his wife, at the other side of the store, he replied, "For thirty years!"


Eating lunch in a crowded restaurant, a friend and I overheard a conversation between two women at the next table.  "I don't know what to do with her," one of them confided.  "She comes and goes, and if I tell her I like to know where she is, she says it's her life and she'll live it as she pleases.  She eats junk food and laughs when I point out the benefits of good nutrition."  "Sounds exactly like my daughter," my friend murmured. "Why are teenagers so impossible?"  "It's a phase they all go through," I replied.   Just then the woman's voice came through again.   "I never realized a seventy-year-old woman could be so impossible, " she lamented.  "I just don't know what I'm going to do with Mother!"


While waiting in line at a bank, I over heard a young man as he was applying for a checking account.  He had been patiently responding to question after question, but when the teller asked for his mother's maiden name he seemed bemused.   Finally the young man answered the question, then added with mock sincerity, "And my dog's name is Dusty."


My two-year-old son's curly hair frequently draws comments from passersby.  Once two nuns saw him and smiled.  I overheard the younger one say to her companion, "Such beautiful curly hair.  It's a shame it doesn't belong to a little girl."  With laughter in her voice, the older nun replied, "Someday it will."
   

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Last updated October 02, 2015 by Becquet Enterprises