A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. She got
a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and
said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he
took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain; and, as it was still early, decided to go to the
party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband
to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could
and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left
his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her
husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little
bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering
what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of
a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I
got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you....
the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"
When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British
ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table the
Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle. "Your husband has been such a
prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many
years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to
in these retirement years?" "A penis," replied Madame
deGaulle. A huge hush
fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next. Le
Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe ze English
pronounce zat word, 'appiness!"
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the
major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted
everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any
snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the
bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the
steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman
strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to
himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to
me." He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and
the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him
back to her place.
They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing
around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. At
seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's
dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed
his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his
apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got
to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the
stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way
wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then
he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: "Come on guys, we're almost
AT A family reunion my cousin was recalling all the events of
his baby's birth. As he excitedly described the trip to the hospital, someone asked,
"What would you have done if the expectant mother had developed complications during
the car ride?" "Why, I would have slid over and taken the wheel," was
my cousin's immediate response.
OUR hog farm was not having a good year. With Christmas
approaching, I wasn't sure we'd see the sparkle in our teenage children's eyes that we had
seen in previous years.
One day as I was cleaning out a storage room, I reminisced over the contents of
each carton. Then it struck me: wouldn't it be fun to reminisce together on Christmas
morning. So, "Santa" lovingly filled each child's stocking with photos of
a memorable summer holiday, a tattered story book, a scratched toy car, cards coloured in
Grade 1 to "Mom and Dad with love," the first pair of tiny eye glasses, long
forgotten report cards, and, at the top, slightly frayed stuffed animals.
Each item brought laughter and stories of Christmases gone by. That December 25 was
one of our happiest.
I PLAY bridge regularly with seven other women, most of whom
are 70 or older. Recently we celebrated the birthday of our oldest member by taking
her out to lunch. When the waitress came to take our order, one of the women said to
her, "This is a very special occasion. It's Elsie's ninety-second
birthday." The waitress made seven instant enemies - and one fast friend - by
asking the question, "Which one is Elsie?"
FOR many years I was a writer working out of my home in
Lacombe, Alta. Like any writer, I spent much time at the post office where the staff got
to know me well. Nine years ago we moved away, but last summer we returned for a reunion.
As the crowd mingled trying to put names to half-forgotten faces, a member of the
post-office staff approached me. For a moment he hesitated as he struggled to recall the
name, then his long years of training on the job paid off: "Well, hello," he
cried. "If it isn't Box 102!"
AT A bridal shower, each guest was asked to introduce herself
and tell everyone how she had met Amber, the bride-to-be. "I met Amber while dating
her brother Ron," the first young woman said. The second person gave the same answer.
The third said she was Ron's current girlfriend. An older woman was next. "It's
nice to meet all of you ladies," she announced with a grin. "But I think I'd
really rather meet Ron."
AT MY grandparents 50th wedding anniversary, I was looking
through a photo album of their marriage ceremony. "Grandma, so many of these styles
have come back over the years," I commented. Grandma never hesitated.
"That's why I've kept Grandpa all this time," she said. "I know he'll be
back in style again one of these days."
OUR neighbour Edwin and his wife planned to combine their
25th wedding anniversary with a business convention he was to attend. Just as they were
leaving, their car broke down so they arranged to use his father's. Finally on their way,
Edwin turned to his wife. "We haven't accomplished much in twenty-five years,"
he reflected. "We borrowed Dad's car on our first honey-moon too!"
IT WAS our 35th wedding anniversary. As we unpacked our
luggage at a beautiful resort, I took out my ancient battered shaving-gear bag.
"Why are you still using that when our daughter gave you a new one for Christmas two
years ago?" my wife asked in surprise. "Well, I just feel more comfortable
with familiar things that are still usable," I explained. With a smile on her
face, she asked, "Is that why we're still married after thirty-five years?"
A MAN I had been dating was taking me home to see his family.
At the airport, he walked through the security gate and the alarm went off.
It continued ringing as he divested himself of keys, watch and belt buckle. The guard
demanded that he empty one last pocket. With a reluctant sigh, my friend pulled out
a velvet-covered, metal jewelry box and opened it. Still standing under the
security gate, he solemnly asked me to be his wife. His proposal was accepted.
AT A baby shower all the guests were telling the first-time
mother to save every item, even to line drawers for the baby's things with the
gift-wrapping paper. One woman, soon due to have a baby herself, finally spoke up:
"With my first baby, I saved absolutely everything. With the second I saved a few
things. With this one - I'll save just the baby!"
AFTER sitting through a bridal fashion show that lasted one
and a half hours, we were overwhelmed by the variety. Evidently we were not the only ones,
since, as we rose to leave, a bride-to-be in front of us turned to her fiancÚ
him which one he liked the best. His prompt reply: "The white one."
MY PARENTS' 25th wedding anniversary was approaching, and we
were planning a celebration. When my husband and I opened the box of 25 invitations we had
ordered, we found this notice: "To assure that you receive the exact amount you have
purchased, your invitations and envelopes have been counted by the same type of machine
used by the government to count currency." The box contained 26 envelopes and
FRIENDS of mine who are in their mid-30s went out to dinner
to celebrate their 15th wedding anniversary. As they were enjoying a bottle of champagne,
they noticed a similar scene taking place at an adjoining table between a man and a woman
who appeared to be in their 70s. Caught up in the gaiety, my friends confided that they
had been married just 15 years, and then asked the older couple how long they had been
together, expecting to be overwhelmed by the answer. "The truth is,"
replied the man, "that we are celebrating having met a week ago today."
AS VALENTINE'S DAY approached, I tried to think of an unusual
gift for my husband. When I discovered that his favorite red-plaid pants had a broken
zipper, I thought I had the perfect Valentine. I had the pants repaired, and gift-wrapped
them. On the package I put a huge red heart on which I printed: "My Heart Pants for
You." I was surprised, however, when I saw the same heart taped on our formerly
empty, but now overflowing, wood box. On it he had written: "Wood You Be My
I WAS going back to my small hometown for a reunion. Driving
in, I was surprised at the many changes I saw. Then a hand-lettered sign in front of a
grocery store made me realize that the old values still existed. The sign said:
"We Accept Visa, MasterCard, Eggs."
MY HUSBAND and I were eagerly looking forward to celebrating
our 50th wedding anniversary. While shopping for a gift one day, happy and excited, I
confided to the young salesgirl that our 50th wedding anniversary was approaching.
"Oh really!" she remarked, greatly impressed, "to the same man? "
TO CELEBRATE our 20th anniversary, my husband and I bought
each other some expensive cologne and perfume. After Michael selected one, the saleslady
asked him if he wanted to splash it on with his hand or, more conveniently, spray it on.
He chose the spray. The next morning I watched him pick up his new cologne, spray it on
his hand and pat it on his neck.