CHILDREN go through such fascinating stages. First they call
you Da Da. Then they call you Daddy. Then they call you Dad. Then they call you collect.
Food For Thought
If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof over your head and a place to sleep ... you are richer than 75 per cent of the world.
If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish somewhere... you are among the top eight per cent of the world's wealthy.
If you woke up this morning with more health than illness... you are more blessed than the million who will not live through this week.
If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture or the pangs of starvation... you are ahead of 500 million people in the world.
If you can attend a church meeting without the fear of harassment, arrest, torture or death... you are more blessed than three billion people in the world.
If your parents are alive and still married... you are very rare.
If you hold your head high with a smile on your face and are truly thankful... you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not.
If you can hold someone's hand, hug them or even touch them on the shoulder... you are blessed because you can offer healing touch.
If you can read this... you are more blessed than over two billion in the world who cannot read at all.
Have a good day, count your blessings.
Two men were commenting on a friend's bad luck betting on
horse races. "Funny," said one, "how lucky Harry is at cards and how
unlucky he is at the track." "Nothing funny about it," replied the
other. "That's because they won't let him shuffle the horses."
My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years?
Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.
Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than my original) to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. Now, my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.
It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish.
Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair, I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next?
My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled.
That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee.
That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you?
The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted", look again. Was it lifted from you?
I think I finally found my thighs .. and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!
This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS.
P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my
arm pits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.
THOSE who forget history are doomed to repeat it.
Here is a look into the corporate mind that is very interesting, educational, historical, completely true, and hysterical all at
The US standard railroad gauge (width between the two rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge
used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads
were built by English ex-patriots.
Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and
that's the gauge they used. Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built
the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons
which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break
on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel
ruts. So who built those old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in
Europe (and England) were built by Imperial Rome for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots first formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their
wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for (or by) Imperial Rome, they were all alike in
the matter of wheel spacing. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5
inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot.
Specifications and bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with
may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.
Thus, we have the answer to the original question. Now the twist to the story ..........
There's an interesting extension to the story about railroad gauges
and horses' behinds. When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main
fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs.
The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter,
but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory had to run through a tunnel
in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is
slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
So, the major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years
ago by the width of a Horse's Ass!
AFTER a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the
following results on corporate America's recreation preferences:
1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.
3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.
Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
Question 1 : If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already,
three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis,
would you recommend to her that she have an abortion?
Question 2 : It is time to elect the world leader, and your
vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:
Candidate A : Associates with crooked
politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also
chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps
until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian,
doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital affairs.
Which of these three candidates would be your choice?
Decide your answer to both questions first, then scroll down for the answers.
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler
........and by the way:
If you said yes to the abortion question, you just killed Beethoven.
When someone says to you, "You don't know Jack
. " You can now prove them wrong because . . . you'll know all about Jack
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt (the
fertilizer magnet) and Oh Schitt (the owner of Kneedeep Inn). Jack Schitt married Noe
Schitt and they produced six children.
Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after childbirth. Next came twin sons,
Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt; two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt; and another son,
Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Dip Schitt married
Lotta Schitt and they have a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the
Happens brothers. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt, and Cowe
Schitt. Bull Schitt just married his second cousin, Pisa Schitt. They await the arrival of
Now you know all about Jack Schitt.
JIM WHITTAKER, the first American to reach the summit of
Mount Everest, ran an outdoor- equipment store in which climbers often spent an entire
afternoon just selecting a new pair of boots. Whittaker used to have some unusual problems
in his shop: Boot buyers liked to test purchases by climbing on windowsills and
counters-and even up doorframes. Before customers started trying out ice axes, crampons
and pitons on his walls, Whittaker decided to take steps. He found a spot on the floor of
his establishment that could take the stress and installed a rock wall 31/2 metres high
and 9 metres long. "But now, every morning when I come in to the shop," says
Whittaker, "I find the employees seeking new routes and handholds on the wall instead
of tending to business."
AFTER getting a nice promotion, Gene showed up for work late
the next three days. Finally his boss called him aside. "Gene," he said,
"now that you're getting up in the world, how about getting up in the morning?"
THE lot of the modern-day "latchkey" child seems to
be changing along with the times. I was sitting at my desk grading papers, after
dismissing my students for the day, when suddenly one of them dashed in. "Did you
forget something?" I asked. "Yes," she answered breathlessly as she made
her way across the room to her desk. "My automatic garage-door opener."
THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE - DRINK
17 - beer
25 - beer
35 - vodka
48 - double vodka
66 - Maalox
AGE - SEDUCTION LINE
17 - My parents are away for the weekend.
25 - My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 - My fiance is away for the weekend.
48 - My wife is away for the weekend.
66 - My second wife is dead.
AGE - FAVORITE SPORT
17 - sex
25 - sex
35 - sex
48 - sex
66 - napping
AGE - DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 - "tongue"
25 - "breakfast"
35 - "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 - "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 - "Got home alive."
AGE - FAVORITE FANTASY
17 - getting to third
25 - airplane sex
35 - menage-a-trois
48 - taking the company public
66 - Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
AGE - HOUSE PET
17 - roaches
25 - stoned-out college roommate
35 - Irish setter
48 - children from his first marriage
66 - Barbie
AGE - WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED
17 - 25
25 - 35
35 - 48
48 - 66
66 - 17
AGE - IDEAL DATE
17 - Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 - "Split the check before we go back to my place"
35 - "Just come over."
48 - "Just come over and cook."
66 - sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.
THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE - DRINK
17 - Wine Coolers
25 - White wine
35 - Red wine
48 - Dom Perignon
66 - Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
AGE - EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 - Need to wash my hair
25 - Need to wash and condition my hair
35 - Need to color my hair
48 - Need to have Francois color my hair
66 - Need to have Francois color my wig
AGE - FAVORITE SPORT
17 - shopping
25 - shopping
35 - shopping
48 - shopping
66 - shopping
AGE - DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 - "Burger King"
25 - "Free meal"
35 - "A diamond"
48 - "A bigger diamond"
66 - "Home Alone"
AGE - FAVORITE FANTASY
17 - tall, dark and handsome
25 - tall, dark and handsome with money
35 - tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 - a man with hair
66 - a man
AGE - HOUSE PET
17 - Muffy the cat
25 - Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 - Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48 - Children from his first marriage and Muffy the
66 - Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat
AGE - WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 - 17
25 - 25
35 - 35
48 - 48
66 - 66
AGE - IDEAL DATE
17 - He offers to pay
25 - He pays
35 - He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 - He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 - He can chew breakfast