A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to
a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and
I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so
special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"Oh really? What's it telling you now?" she inquires.
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says, "Damn
thing must be an hour fast."
The bartender was
washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the
Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for
a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that
Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus
an Irish whiskey, too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who
moved very slow. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti.
He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the
bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar
and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down
there?" The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one,
too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and
said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength
come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched the
Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt
his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the
door. Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed,
"Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two
shots. One for me and one for my best buddy." Bartender says, "You
want them both now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour
his?" The guy says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best
buddy in my pocket here." He then pulls a little 3 inch man out of his
pocket. The bartender asks, "You mean to say, he can drink that
much?" "Oh, sure. He can drink it all and then some," the man
retorted. So, the bartender pours the 2 shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks
it all up. "That's amazing!" says the bartender. "What else can he
do? Can he walk?" The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and
says, "Hey, Rodney, go fetch that quarter." The little guy runs down to
the end of the bar, picks up the quarter and runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing!" he says.
"What else can he do? Does he talk?" The man looks up at the
bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and says, "Talk? Sure he talks.
Hey, Rodney, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa, on safari, hunting
and you called that native Witch doctor a dickhead!"
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are
talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains
quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well,
what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third
fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her
hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What
happened then?" they asked. The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer,
sighed and uttered, "She said, "'Get out from under the bed and fight like
a man."
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says,
"Wanna hear a "redneck" joke?" The guy next to him replies,
"Before you tell that joke you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs. and
a redneck. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", 225 lbs. and a redneck. The
fella next to him is 6'5", 250 lbs. and a redneck. Do you still want to tell
that joke?" The first guy says, "Nah. I don't want to have to explain it
three times."
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live
alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire
also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge
party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests. . .I have a proposition to
every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can
swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he
finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy
in the pool swimming with all he could. . . the crowd cheered him on as he kept
stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was
impressed. He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I
didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. . .which do
you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy says, "Listen,
I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the
person who pushed me in that WATER!!!
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of
their car which said:
"TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them
they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car
passed with a sign saying:
"JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the cop: "How come you don't stop
them?!" "Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled.
"Their sign pertains to religion." So the two ladies of the night frowned
as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day found the same cop in
the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car
again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed
the new sign which read:
"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER --
$50.00."
ONE resident complains that little old ladies in Atlantic
City casinos go crazy when they see slot machines. "The last time I yawned," he
says, "one of them put a quarter in my mouth and pulled My arm down."
TWO British officers in a Dutch hotel were asked whether they
wanted English or continental breakfast. When they asked for English breakfasts, the
waiter returned with two empty plates, explaining that the cooks were on strike.
A MOTHER of five small children accompanied her husband to a
cocktail party for his business associates. Several of the women were chatting about
their job titles and responsibilities, when one of them turned to the mother and asked,
"And what do you do?" "I run a very successful, small family —
business," she replied.
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a
beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his
courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would
you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep
with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks
back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She
smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm
a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to
embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean
$200?"
IT WAS my first visit to a disco. I was overwhelmed by the
music, the density of the crowd and amazed at the fevered excitement. But I was impressed
by the way our waitress cheerfully threaded her way through the milling throng. A
few minutes after taking our order she was back, balancing the tray high above her head
while she deftly avoided a horde of aspiring playboys. "This place is a
madhouse," I said, as she placed our order in front of us. "You certainly have a
lot of patience." "Shhh," she said, placing her finger against her
lips. "I'm supposed to call them 'customers'."
ARRIVING at a night club where dining was optional, we were
greeted by a waiter who said: "Good evening. Two, sir?" "Yes,
two," my friend replied. Then, as he had already made a reservation, he added:
"For Eaton. " "Two for dinner, sir," the waiter corroborated.