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Engineering

   

   AN engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An intern angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."
   So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.
   One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
   Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
   God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
   Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
   God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue."
   Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
   


Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers. They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.  Shortly after the train as departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.  He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."  The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.  The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.  So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.  When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.  To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.  "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.   When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.  Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding.  He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."


CHANGES in the operation of our factory are specified on standard forms, which are then posted. One of our engineers decided to announce her pregnancy in this manner. The instructions were: "To Debbie and Tony DiBiase, add one little DiBiase in seven months." Delighted staff members trooped by to congratulate her. One engineer, however, read the notice and then asked her, "Are you going to get pregnant?" "I'm not going to," she hinted, but he still seemed confused. "Loren," she said, "think of this as an engineering problem. If you have a project that takes nine months to complete, and you're going to finish it in seven months, what does that mean?" A true engineer, Loren replied, "You're going to get a bonus?"


As a test pilot for Boeing, I participated in the flight-test program of the U.S. Air Force's E-3A airplane. It's a modified 707, and a large circular device called a radome mounted on top of the fuselage makes it easy to identify. On one flight, Boeing radioed me just as I had passed over a golf course. They said they were on the phone with a golfer who worked as an engineer on the E-3A program. He said that one just flew over and it looked as if the radome wasn't turning properly. I told Boeing everything was fine and to tell the man to keep his head down. Later I got a call in my office. The person identified himself as the engineer I had told to keep his head down. He wanted me to know that he'd finally made a hole in one.


MY COMPANY provides a bicycle rack for employees who pedal to work.  One day, from my post as security officer, I saw one of our engineers return to his ten-speed with a worried look on his face.  He approached the bike as if looking for something, circled it several times, and then sat on the curb.  I walked out and asked what was wrong.  "I can't believe it," he said.  "I locked myself out of my bike."


A HERD of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.  This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells.  Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.  In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

The results of this in-depth epidemiological study verifies and validates the causal link between all weekend parties and engineering performance.   It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and getting married, most engineers cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates.   Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years.

So, this is a call to arms.  As our country is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes.  Get back into the bars!  Quaff that pint!  Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have.  Be all that you can be.


AN ENTHUSIASTIC but somewhat unscrupulous salesman was waiting to see the purchasing agent of the engineering firm where my husband worked.   The salesman was there to submit his company's bid, or price quote, for a particular job.  He couldn't help but notice, however, that a competitor's bid was on the purchasing agent's desk.  Unfortunately, the actual figure was covered by a juice can.  The temptation to see the amount quoted became too much, and the salesman reached over and lifted the can.  His heart sank as he watched thousands of BB pellets pour from the bottomless can and scatter across the floor.


MY HUSBAND, a supervisory aerospace engineer, had been retired three months before he visited his old workplace.  He wandered into one office and found a draftsman laboring earnestly.  He hardly looked up the whole time he chatted with my husband.  Sensing that he was interrupting an important project, my husband was about to excuse himself when the draftsman threw down his instruments and sat back.  "For Pete's sake," he said, "it's just dawned on me that I no longer have to look busy when you appear."


AN ENGINEER at my company learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting.  He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them.  Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: "Last minute meeting.   Leave without me.  Ted."  At 6:30 p.m., the engineer stopped at his desk and found this note: "Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove."
   

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Last updated October 02, 2015 by Becquet Enterprises