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Driving Humor

   

   Norman and his wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
   Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
   A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
    The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park..........." then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"
  "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"


Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that, Grandpa." He replied, "How did you know?" She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole" afterwards.


Perceptions

The wife of a Southern Baptist preacher talks to her Sunday school class about a wonderful religious experience that she had last week: The other day I went up to the local Christian book store where I saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance at church, so I bought that bumper sticker and put it on the back bumper of my car. I am really glad that I did. What an uplifting experience followed . . . I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and I did not notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus or I may have never noticed that the light had changed. I found that lots of people love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy and then he leaned out his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD, Go! . . .Go! Jesus Christ! Go! Everyone was honking. I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people and I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage son in the back seat what this meant, he said that it was nothing, probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well I have never met a person from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My son burst into laughter, why, even he was enjoying the love of this religious experience. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended but that is when I noticed that the light had changed so I waved one more time to my loving brothers and sisters and drove through the intersection. I was the only car that got across the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them and all that love that we had shared so I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one more time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!


OUR daughter Heidi worked at a self-serve gas station in Guelph, Ont., that became "full-serve." We stopped for a fill-up, and she came out to talk to us. When my husband paid her, she gave him a kiss on the cheek. Just then, a car with an elderly couple drove up and the gentleman got out. With a mischievous smile, he quipped, "Now that's what I call full-serve.


Did you hear about the kid who was pulled over for speeding?  The cop got out of his car and the young man rolled down his window.  "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."  When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


A man was driving along the highway, and saw the Easter rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the Easter rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place, candy too.  The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit carrying the basket.  Much to his dismay, the colorful rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible!" he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter rabbit and killed it.  Kids will be so disappointed. What should I do?" The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the dead, limp rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the furry animal. Miraculously the Easter rabbit came to life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the Easter rabbit stopped turned around, waved and hopped down the road. Another 50 yards down, he turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards.  And waved again!!!! The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can? What did you spray on the Easter rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.  It said:  "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."


ON MY first day as a trucker's helper, the driver was pushing the big rig hard to get our load of chickens to market before it closed. Suddenly we hit a slick spot in the road, lost control, and slammed into a ditch. The truck turned over, sending hundreds of crates flying. As we crawled from the wreck unhurt, we saw frenzied, flapping, squawking chickens everywhere. "What do we do now?" I asked. "Well, son," the trucker replied, "first we thank the Lord for sparing our lives." "Then what?" "Then we curse like hell."


MY FRIEND was driving to town to get a part for his combine, and he stopped to help a motorist with a burst radiator hose. Since he was headed for the parts store anyway, he told the woman he'd also get what she needed and be right back. When he returned, he made the repairs, said she was all ready to go and headed for his pickup. "Wait!" she called out. "I want to pay you." "No, ma'am," my friend replied. "Maybe one day my old truck will quit and you can give me a lift." That's when the woman took stock of her Good Samaritan. My friend had been working on his combine all day, had crawled under her car twice, and had not had time for a haircut in months. "Young man," she said, "you'd better take the money. I wouldn't pick up someone who looks like you."


WHILE hauling produce coast to coast, I pulled into a truck stop late one night for some bacon and eggs, and several cups of strong coffee. My waitress appeared haggard, but she greeted me with a tired smile and kept my cup filled. When she brought my order, however, I couldn't help commenting that the toast seemed awfully dark. "Sweetie," she replied, "you can scrape it any shade you like!"


WHILE driving my 18-wheeler out west, I came to a two-lane, steep graded twisting pass where truck speeds were reduced to as low as 25 kilometers an hour. Just as I was beginning the climb, I noticed a car behind me. The coast was clear, so I flagged the driver on ahead. As the car passed me, the passenger, a woman, held up a sign that read THANKS, and then another that said HAVE A NICE DAY. Sometime later I met up with the same couple at a truck stop. I mentioned to the woman how much I had appreciated her "sign language," and suggested it was too bad she wasn't able to use her signs on every driver. "Oh, she can," her husband assured me. "She has another one that says YOU BUM.


A TRUCK driver slammed on his brakes when the vehicle ahead of him suddenly stopped. His rig began to jackknife, and rather than crash he let it have its way-across the road and out into a field, where it rolled to a stop. He got out to check for damage and found, right behind him, a fancy van. "What are you doing here?" he asked. The van's driver replied, "If whatever was on the road was too big for you to hit, it was too big for me to hit, so I figured the safest thing to do was follow you."


IT WAS raining, and Sister Agnes was in the middle of her driving lesson when the car had a flat tire. The instructor asked Sister to stand aside while he changed the tire, but she wouldn't hear of it. "Learning to change a tire," she insisted, "is part of learning to drive." As Sister Agnes, in her habit, was kneeling in a puddle, struggling with the tire, a police officer pulled up. In a voice dripping with sarcasm, he turned to the embarrassed instructor and said, "I suppose you're going to tell me the good Lord is working a miracle?"


My wife came home yesterday and said, “Honey, the car won’t start, but I know what the problem is.”  I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the carburetor.  I thought for a moment, then said, “You know I don’t mean this badly, but you don’t know the carburetor from the accelerator.”  ”No, there’s definitely water in the carburetor” she insisted.  ”OK, Honey, that’s fine, I’ll just go take a look.  Where is it?”  ”In the lake.”


  Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio.  "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared.  You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."   Ole got up from his coffee and replies  "Jeez, okay."
  Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared.  You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets."  Ole got up from his coffee and replies, "Jeez, okay."
  Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared.  You must park your cars on the. . ." and then the power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions.  He says to Lena, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?"
  Lena replies, "Aw, Ole, yust leave the car in the garage."


DISCUSSING the problems of driver's license examiners, a former motor vehicle bureau director told about a woman who was parallel parking. "Could you get a little closer?" the examiner asked. And she slid over.


MY MOTHER overheard a license examiner at the Department of Motor Vehicles talking about a teenager who had just driven an almost perfect test. "He made his only mistake," said the examiner, "when he stopped to let me out of the car. After breathing a sigh of relief, he exclaimed, 'I'm sure glad I don't have to drive like that all the time!' "


PERSONAL car license plates can often be apropos. 
There is the dealer in tropical birds who had the license plate BYRDIE:
Then there was RON:BEV, evidently a one-car family: 
But, most appropriate was one on a large van which read: 13 KIDS.


A MOPED driver stopped for a red light beside a new Corvette. "Great looking car," he shouted.  The driver opened the passenger door so the moped operator could admire the interior.  Just then the light turned green. The driver slammed the door and sped off.  Almost immediately the moped caught up and passed the sports car. Quickly, the Corvette accelerated and passed the moped. Then the bike zipped ahead again, turned on a dime, charged back in the other direction and fell over.  The sports car braked beside the bike, and the driver asked the mopeder if he was hurt.  "No, thanks, I'm fine."  "Is there anything I can do?"  "Yes!" gasped the mopeder. "You can open your door and release my suspenders."


MY AGING little German car was stopped at a light. With the windows down and radio blaring, I was enjoying a German-language production of Hello, Dolly!  A pedestrian lowered his head to my window's level and inquired, in tones of deepest sympathy, "Doesn't it speak English yet?"


TRAFFIC was heavy on the service road to the airport. Our bus driver signaled to change lanes so he could overtake a slow moving car. Just as he got ready to pass, the driver of the car put her arm out the window indicating she was going to move left. Our driver drew back and waited for her to change lanes but she didn't. After a minute she pulled her arm back in. When we tried to pass her a second time, the woman again held out her hand only to withdraw it a minute later. "C'mon, lady, make up your mind," our driver mumbled. Finally, after four false starts, we sped past her car. I looked down to see the woman painting her fingernails. As she finished each nail, she waved her arm out the window to let the polish dry.


FINALLY bowing to the energy crunch, my wife and I sold our big old sedan and purchased a smaller, fuel efficient car. Shortly there after, on a particularly windy day, my wife decided to highway test the car. After she had driven for 30 tense, wordless minutes, she turned and said, "I have nothing against changing lanes. I just prefer knowing where and when, that's all."


MY BROTHER is a truck driver, and he often comes home upset because other drivers have cut him off, not realizing how difficult it is to suddenly slow down a big rig.  At the end of one day, however, he cheerfully announced, "I can't believe how easy everything was.  I didn't get cut off once.  In fact, it seemed as if people were purposely steering clear of me."  The reason was evident the next morning.  On the bumper of Toby's truck - pasted there by a mischievous co-worker - was this sticker: "Student Driver."


I WAS driving through an intersection on my way to work when a speeding car hit me broadside.  The impact drove my car across the road and over a well kept yard.  I straightened up just as I hit the side of a yellow frame house.   I sat in a daze, looking through a large hole in the side of the house at a set of dining room furniture.  Then I noticed a stern looking woman heading for my car.   Before I had a chance to speak, she said: "I've just made a fresh pot of coffee.  Would you like a cup?"


ONE afternoon while riding my motorbike, I let my attention wander from the road, lost control and had a chance to check the quality of the pavement at close range.  Within minutes, the employees of the small plastics factory nearby surrounded me with a mastery of first aid that was astounding.  They methodically located and immobilized my fractured scapula and dressed a few surface wounds.  It wasn't until later that I understood their preparedness.  At the time of my accident, they had been attending a first-aid lecture.


ONE afternoon when my grandparents were driving home after visiting a relative, my grandfather hit the horn by mistake, and it stuck.  He jiggled the steering wheel and slapped the horn, but it wouldn't let up.  As they pulled into the next gas station, horn blaring, an attendant hurried out with a knowing look on his face.  He was holding up the keys to the rest room!


WHEN I was involved in a minor, fender-scraping car accident, I became annoyed at the assumption of the other driver that I was the one at fault.  I thought it had been his fault.  In the argument that followed, I expressed my views in perhaps a rather heated manner.  A passenger in the other car listened to our altercation, and then asked me, "Haven't you ever been in a car accident before?"  "No!" I said.  "Well, that's it!" she replied.  "No experience!"


THE driver of a Bentley was trying to park in a small space outside a London restaurant.  On his third attempt a small sports car nipped in behind him.  Jumping out, the driver, a youth, grinned and said, "If you were young and quick, you could have done that."  Unperturbed, the driver of the Bentley continued to reverse and smashed into the side of the sports car.  Easing himself out, he smiled and said, "And if you were old and rich you could have done that!"


A CLERGYMAN involved in a minor accident with a cyclist stopped his car and rushed back to apologize.  Anxious to make amends, he gave the cyclist his calling card, saying that if ever he could be of assistance, the man had only to contact him.  When the cyclist arrived home later he found the card read: "The Reverend J. Smith is sorry he missed you today."


VANCOUVERITES are by tradition terrible drivers when snow falls. During one particularly heavy storm, a reporter asked a man if he thought Vancouver drivers knew how to handle their cars in snowy conditions. "Of course," he replied, "We know how to drive in the snow, we just don't know how to stop."


FEARFUL of being late for work, the young woman took time to scrape only a small clearing in the front and side windows of her car before driving to the office on the cold winter morning.  A short distance down the highway she signaled a turn into the next lane of traffic. The blaring of a horn and the sudden appearance of a vehicle in her side mirror made her realize that she'd cut in front of a car and, had it not been for the driver's quick reaction, there could have been a bad accident.  At the next intersection she and the driver of the other car stopped side by side.  She kept her eyes downcast and prayed the light would quickly turn green. Her heart began pounding when, hearing a door slam, she glanced sideways and saw the driver coming around his car.  Then, through her rear-view mirror and in total mortification, she watched him quickly and efficiently clear her entire rear window of all frost and snow.  He then returned to his car and drove away as the traffic light turned green.


THOUGH Aunt Clara never learned to drive, she served as Aunt Hattie's faithful copilot.  In a car almost as old as they were, they rode over curbs, swerved into ditches and rode against traffic on one-way streets, heedless of horns, unobserved by police.  When the years overdue traffic offense citation was finally presented, Aunt Clara scooted across the seat, reached around Aunt Hattie and signaled for the ticket.  "Don't give it to her," Aunt Clara said to the police officer.  "She can't see.  I told her to go through the light."


IN THE spring, the Alaska Highway, a gravel road, begins to thaw. Usually the road center becomes bare first.  One spring while traveling to Whitehorse I noticed in the distance a car on the shoulder of the road, apparently stuck.   As I approached, a woman appeared with a shovel and began digging in the center of the road.  As I stopped she threw some gravel under the front wheels of her large car.  I asked, "Don't you think you should have put the dirt under the back wheels?"  "Hell, no, " she replied. "I've already got those going."


MY BROTHER, on vacation in Malta, was appalled by the island's chaotic traffic, and asked the hotel keeper why it was so disorderly.  "In some countries they drive on the right, in others on the left," explained the hotelier.  "Here we drive in the shade."


DURING a drive in the country, a squabble broke out between a friend of mine and her husband regarding his driving habits.  Finally in frustration she proclaimed, "I'm the only woman alive who would put up with you."   "I'll have you know," he said, "that hundreds of women went out with me in my bachelor days."  His wife replied straight-faced, "I can understand the large turn over."


WHILE driving in North Africa, I came upon two men attempting to push an ambulance off a busy roadway.  It was out of gas and I offered to take the driver to find some.  But first, I suggested, we had better finish getting the vehicle off the road.  "Thanks," said the driver, hopping into the cab. "I'll steer."  Puffing and sweating, we eventually cleared the road, and it was only then that I noticed the unhappy expression of my fellow pusher.  Suddenly, it dawned on me that they were heading toward the hospital.  Pointing to the back of the ambulance, I asked in hushed tones, "Is the patient seriously ill?"   "Patient?" he exploded. "I am the patient!"


IN THE small town where I grew up, there lived a dour matron whose out-spoken, irascible manner was known to all and feared by most.  A farmer who had just run over one of her prize roosters timidly approached the woman and was greeted by a gruff, "Well, what do you want?"  The farmer apologetically explained his mission and waited for an explosion. Instead, she regarded him coldly and asked, "What kind of car are you driving?"  "I drive an old Model T Ford, ma'am," the farmer replied proudly.  After another long stare, the woman said, "Just forget it.  If he couldn't out run that thing, he couldn't catch my hens anyway."


GRANDMOTHER was approaching middle age when Grandfather decided it was time she learned to drive.  After acquiring a temporary permit, they took to the road for a practice session, Grandma sitting white-knuckled behind the wheel and Grandpa issuing instructions from the passenger seat.  The lesson progressed uneventfully until Grandpa happened to glance out his window and down.  The wheels were passing just centimeters away from the curb.  "Helen, watch out for the curb!" he exclaimed.  This warning seemed to elicit little response from my grandmother, still hunched grimly behind the wheel.  Indeed, the wheels crept even closer to the curb.  Fighting to remain calm, he repeated his admonition.  The wheels edged to within a hairs breadth of the curb.  A collision seemed inevitable.   Panic raised Grandpa's voice to a roar: "Helen, the curb!"  With a glare in my grandfather's direction, Grandmother carefully brought the car to a halt, switched off the ignition and turned huffily to face him.  "If you can drive any closer to the curb without hitting it, go ahead."
   

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Last updated September 27, 2015 by Becquet Enterprises