Norman and his wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening
to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered
side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says,
"We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get
through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer
says "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park..........." then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is
very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so
the plow can get through?"
"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that, Grandpa." He replied, "How did you know?" She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole" afterwards.
Perceptions
The wife of a Southern Baptist preacher talks to her Sunday school class about a
wonderful religious experience that she had last week: The other day I went up to the
local Christian book store where I saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper
sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance at church, so I bought that bumper sticker and put it on the
back bumper of my car. I am really glad that I did. What an uplifting experience followed
. . . I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the
Lord, and I did not notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else
loves Jesus or I may have never noticed that the light had changed. I found that lots of
people love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy and then he leaned
out his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD, Go! . . .Go! Jesus Christ! Go!
Everyone was honking. I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving
people and I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a
man from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny
beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the
air. When I asked my teenage son in the back seat what this meant, he said that it was
nothing, probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well I have never met a person
from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My son burst
into laughter, why, even he was enjoying the love of this religious experience. A couple
of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars
and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended but
that is when I noticed that the light had changed so I waved one more time to my loving
brothers and sisters and drove through the intersection. I was the only car that got
across the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had
to leave them and all that love that we had shared so I slowed the car down, leaned out
the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one more time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
OUR daughter Heidi worked at a self-serve gas station in Guelph, Ont.,
that became "full-serve." We stopped for a fill-up, and she came
out to talk to us. When my husband paid her, she gave him a kiss on the
cheek. Just then, a car with an elderly couple drove up and the gentleman
got out. With a mischievous smile, he quipped, "Now that's what I call
full-serve.
Did you hear about the kid who
was pulled over for speeding? The cop got out of his car and the young man rolled
down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The
guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop
finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
A man was driving along the highway, and saw the Easter rabbit hopping across
the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the
Easter rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all
over the place, candy too. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal
lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the
rabbit carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful rabbit was dead. The
driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying
on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what
was wrong. "I feel terrible!" he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter
rabbit and killed it. Kids will be so disappointed. What should I do?" The
woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and
pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the dead, limp rabbit, and sprayed the contents
of the can onto the furry animal. Miraculously the Easter rabbit came to life, jumped up,
picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the
road. 50 yards away the Easter rabbit stopped turned around, waved and hopped down the
road. Another 50 yards down, he turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards. And waved
again!!!! The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the
woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and asked, "What is in your spray can?
What did you spray on the Easter rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the
man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
ON MY first day as a trucker's helper, the driver was pushing the big rig hard to get
our load of chickens to market before it closed. Suddenly we hit a slick spot in the road,
lost control, and slammed into a ditch. The truck turned over, sending hundreds of crates
flying. As we crawled from the wreck unhurt, we saw frenzied, flapping, squawking chickens
everywhere. "What do we do now?" I asked. "Well, son," the trucker
replied, "first we thank the Lord for sparing our lives." "Then what?"
"Then we curse like hell."
MY FRIEND was driving to town to get a part for his combine, and he stopped to help a
motorist with a burst radiator hose. Since he was headed for the parts store anyway, he
told the woman he'd also get what she needed and be right back. When he returned, he made
the repairs, said she was all ready to go and headed for his pickup. "Wait!" she
called out. "I want to pay you." "No, ma'am," my friend replied.
"Maybe one day my old truck will quit and you can give me a lift." That's when
the woman took stock of her Good Samaritan. My friend had been working on his combine all
day, had crawled under her car twice, and had not had time for a haircut in months.
"Young man," she said, "you'd better take the money. I wouldn't pick up
someone who looks like you."
WHILE hauling produce coast to coast, I pulled into a truck stop late one night for
some bacon and eggs, and several cups of strong coffee. My waitress appeared haggard, but
she greeted me with a tired smile and kept my cup filled. When she brought my order,
however, I couldn't help commenting that the toast seemed awfully dark.
"Sweetie," she replied, "you can scrape it any shade you like!"
WHILE driving my 18-wheeler out west, I came to a two-lane, steep graded twisting pass
where truck speeds were reduced to as low as 25 kilometers an hour. Just as I was
beginning the climb, I noticed a car behind me. The coast was clear, so I flagged the
driver on ahead. As the car passed me, the passenger, a woman, held up a sign that read
THANKS, and then another that said HAVE A NICE DAY. Sometime later I met up with the same
couple at a truck stop. I mentioned to the woman how much I had appreciated her "sign
language," and suggested it was too bad she wasn't able to use her signs on every
driver. "Oh, she can," her husband assured me. "She has another one that
says YOU BUM.
A TRUCK driver slammed on his brakes when the vehicle ahead of him suddenly stopped.
His rig began to jackknife, and rather than crash he let it have its way-across the road
and out into a field, where it rolled to a stop. He got out to check for damage and found,
right behind him, a fancy van. "What are you doing here?" he asked. The van's
driver replied, "If whatever was on the road was too big for you to hit, it was too
big for me to hit, so I figured the safest thing to do was follow you."
IT WAS raining, and Sister Agnes was in the middle of her
driving lesson when the car had a flat tire. The instructor asked Sister to stand aside
while he changed the tire, but she wouldn't hear of it. "Learning to change a
tire," she insisted, "is part of learning to drive." As Sister Agnes,
in
her habit, was kneeling in a puddle, struggling with the tire, a police
officer pulled up.
In a voice dripping with sarcasm, he turned to the embarrassed instructor and said,
"I suppose you're going to tell me the good Lord is working a miracle?"
My wife came home yesterday and said, “Honey, the car
won’t start, but I know what the problem is.” I asked her what it was and
she told me it has water in the carburetor. I thought for a moment, then said,
“You know I don’t mean this badly, but you don’t know the carburetor from
the accelerator.” ”No, there’s definitely water in the
carburetor” she insisted. ”OK, Honey, that’s fine, I’ll just go
take a look. Where is it?” ”In the lake.”
Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of
morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio. "There
will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must
park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his
coffee and replies "Jeez, okay."
Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee
and the weather forecast is, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow
emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of
the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and replies, "Jeez, okay."
Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and
the weather forecast is, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow
emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the. . ." and then the
power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions. He says to Lena,
"Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?"
Lena replies, "Aw, Ole, yust leave the car in the garage."
DISCUSSING the problems of driver's license examiners, a
former motor vehicle bureau director told about a woman who was parallel parking.
"Could you get a little closer?" the examiner asked. And she slid over.
MY MOTHER overheard a license examiner at the Department of
Motor Vehicles talking about a teenager who had just driven an almost perfect test.
"He made his only mistake," said the examiner, "when he stopped to let me
out of the car. After breathing a sigh of relief, he exclaimed, 'I'm sure glad I don't
have to drive like that all the time!' "
PERSONAL car license plates can often be apropos.
There is
the dealer in tropical birds who had the license plate BYRDIE:
Then there was RON:BEV,
evidently a one-car family:
But, most appropriate was one on a large van which read: 13
KIDS.
A MOPED driver stopped for a red light beside a new Corvette.
"Great looking car," he shouted. The driver opened the passenger door so
the moped operator could admire the interior. Just then the light turned green. The
driver slammed the door and sped off. Almost immediately the moped caught up and
passed the sports car. Quickly, the Corvette accelerated and passed the moped. Then the
bike zipped ahead again, turned on a dime, charged back in the other direction and fell
over. The sports car braked beside the bike, and the driver asked the mopeder if he
was hurt. "No, thanks, I'm fine." "Is there anything I can
do?" "Yes!" gasped the mopeder. "You can open your door and
release my suspenders."
MY AGING little German car was stopped at a light. With the
windows down and radio blaring, I was enjoying a German-language production of Hello,
Dolly! A pedestrian lowered his head to my window's level and inquired, in tones of
deepest sympathy, "Doesn't it speak English yet?"
TRAFFIC was heavy on the service road to the airport. Our bus
driver signaled to change lanes so he could overtake a slow moving car. Just as he got
ready to pass, the driver of the car put her arm out the window indicating she was going
to move left. Our driver drew back and waited for her to change lanes but she didn't.
After a minute she pulled her arm back in. When we tried to pass her a second time, the
woman again held out her hand only to withdraw it a minute later. "C'mon, lady, make
up your mind," our driver mumbled. Finally, after four false starts, we sped past her
car. I looked down to see the woman painting her fingernails. As she finished each nail,
she waved her arm out the window to let the polish dry.
FINALLY bowing to the energy crunch, my wife and I sold our
big old sedan and purchased a smaller, fuel efficient car. Shortly there
after, on a
particularly windy day, my wife decided to highway test the car. After she had driven for
30 tense, wordless minutes, she turned and said, "I have nothing against changing
lanes. I just prefer knowing where and when, that's all."
MY BROTHER is a truck driver, and he often comes home upset
because other drivers have cut him off, not realizing how difficult it is to suddenly slow
down a big rig. At the end of one day, however, he cheerfully announced, "I
can't believe how easy everything was. I didn't get cut off once. In fact, it
seemed as if people were purposely steering clear of me." The reason was
evident the next morning. On the bumper of Toby's truck - pasted there by a
mischievous co-worker - was this sticker: "Student Driver."
I WAS driving through an intersection on my way to work when
a speeding car hit me broadside. The impact drove my car across the road and over a
well kept yard. I straightened up just as I hit the side of a yellow frame house.
I sat in a daze, looking through a large hole in the side of the house at a set of
dining room furniture. Then I noticed a stern looking woman heading for my car.
Before I had a chance to speak, she said: "I've just made a fresh pot of
coffee. Would you like a cup?"
ONE afternoon while riding my motorbike, I let my attention
wander from the road, lost control and had a chance to check the quality of the pavement
at close range. Within minutes, the employees of the small plastics factory nearby
surrounded me with a mastery of first aid that was astounding. They methodically
located and immobilized my fractured scapula and dressed a few surface wounds. It
wasn't until later that I understood their preparedness. At the time of my accident,
they had been attending a first-aid lecture.
ONE afternoon when my grandparents were driving home after
visiting a relative, my grandfather hit the horn by mistake, and it stuck. He
jiggled the steering wheel and slapped the horn, but it wouldn't let up. As they
pulled into the next gas station, horn blaring, an attendant hurried out with a knowing
look on his face. He was holding up the keys to the rest room!
WHEN I was involved in a minor, fender-scraping car accident,
I became annoyed at the assumption of the other driver that I was the one at fault.
I thought it had been his fault. In the argument that followed, I expressed my views
in perhaps a rather heated manner. A passenger in the other car listened to our
altercation, and then asked me, "Haven't you ever been in a car accident
before?" "No!" I said. "Well, that's it!" she
replied. "No experience!"
THE driver of a Bentley was trying to park in a small space
outside a London restaurant. On his third attempt a small sports car nipped in
behind him. Jumping out, the driver, a youth, grinned and said, "If you were
young and quick, you could have done that." Unperturbed, the driver of the
Bentley continued to reverse and smashed into the side of the sports car. Easing
himself out, he smiled and said, "And if you were old and rich you could have done
that!"
A CLERGYMAN involved in a minor accident with a cyclist
stopped his car and rushed back to apologize. Anxious to make amends, he gave the
cyclist his calling card, saying that if ever he could be of assistance, the man had only
to contact him. When the cyclist arrived home later he found the card read:
"The Reverend J. Smith is sorry he missed you today."
VANCOUVERITES are by tradition terrible drivers when snow
falls. During one particularly heavy storm, a reporter asked a man if he thought Vancouver
drivers knew how to handle their cars in snowy conditions. "Of course," he
replied, "We know how to drive in the snow, we just don't know how to stop."
FEARFUL of being late for work, the young woman took time to
scrape only a small clearing in the front and side windows of her car before driving to
the office on the cold winter morning. A short distance down the highway she
signaled a turn into the next lane of traffic. The blaring of a horn and the sudden
appearance of a vehicle in her side mirror made her realize that she'd cut in front of a
car and, had it not been for the driver's quick reaction, there could have been a bad
accident. At the next intersection she and the driver of the other car stopped side
by side. She kept her eyes downcast and prayed the light would quickly turn green.
Her heart began pounding when, hearing a door slam, she glanced sideways and saw the
driver coming around his car. Then, through her rear-view mirror and in total
mortification, she watched him quickly and efficiently clear her entire rear window of all
frost and snow. He then returned to his car and drove away as the traffic light
turned green.
THOUGH Aunt Clara never learned to drive, she served as Aunt
Hattie's faithful copilot. In a car almost as old as they were, they rode over
curbs, swerved into ditches and rode against traffic on one-way streets, heedless of
horns, unobserved by police. When the years overdue traffic offense citation was
finally presented, Aunt Clara scooted across the seat, reached around Aunt Hattie and
signaled for the ticket. "Don't give it to her," Aunt Clara said to the
police officer. "She can't see. I told her to go through the light."
IN THE spring, the Alaska Highway, a gravel road, begins to
thaw. Usually the road center becomes bare first. One spring while traveling to
Whitehorse I noticed in the distance a car on the shoulder of the road, apparently stuck.
As I approached, a woman appeared with a shovel and began digging in the center of
the road. As I stopped she threw some gravel under the front wheels of her large
car. I asked, "Don't you think you should have put the dirt under the back
wheels?" "Hell, no, " she replied. "I've already got those
going."
MY BROTHER, on vacation in Malta, was appalled by the
island's chaotic traffic, and asked the hotel keeper why it was so disorderly. "In some countries they drive on the right, in others on the left," explained
the hotelier. "Here we drive in the shade."
DURING a drive in the country, a squabble broke out between a
friend of mine and her husband regarding his driving habits. Finally in frustration
she proclaimed, "I'm the only woman alive who would put up with you."
"I'll have you know," he said, "that hundreds of women went out with me in
my bachelor days." His wife replied straight-faced, "I can understand the
large turn over."
WHILE driving in North Africa, I came upon two men attempting
to push an ambulance off a busy roadway. It was out of gas and I offered to take the
driver to find some. But first, I suggested, we had better finish getting the
vehicle off the road. "Thanks," said the driver, hopping into the cab.
"I'll steer." Puffing and sweating, we eventually cleared the road, and it
was only then that I noticed the unhappy expression of my fellow pusher. Suddenly,
it dawned on me that they were heading toward the hospital. Pointing to the back of
the ambulance, I asked in hushed tones, "Is the patient seriously ill?"
"Patient?" he exploded. "I am the patient!"
IN THE small town where I grew up, there lived a dour matron
whose out-spoken, irascible manner was known to all and feared by most. A farmer who
had just run over one of her prize roosters timidly approached the woman and was greeted
by a gruff, "Well, what do you want?" The farmer apologetically explained
his mission and waited for an explosion. Instead, she regarded him coldly and asked,
"What kind of car are you driving?" "I drive an old Model T Ford,
ma'am," the farmer replied proudly. After another long stare, the woman said,
"Just forget it. If he couldn't out run that thing, he couldn't catch my hens
anyway."
GRANDMOTHER was approaching middle age when Grandfather
decided it was time she learned to drive. After acquiring a temporary permit, they
took to the road for a practice session, Grandma sitting white-knuckled behind the wheel
and Grandpa issuing instructions from the passenger seat. The lesson progressed
uneventfully until Grandpa happened to glance out his window and down. The wheels
were passing just centimeters away from the curb. "Helen, watch out for the
curb!" he exclaimed. This warning seemed to elicit little response from my
grandmother, still hunched grimly behind the wheel. Indeed, the wheels crept even
closer to the curb. Fighting to remain calm, he repeated his admonition. The
wheels edged to within a hairs breadth of the curb. A collision seemed inevitable.
Panic raised Grandpa's voice to a roar: "Helen, the curb!" With a
glare in my grandfather's direction, Grandmother carefully brought the car to a halt,
switched off the ignition and turned huffily to face him. "If you can drive any
closer to the curb without hitting it, go ahead."