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Diet

  

EVERYONE had weighed in, and our diet-workshop leader began her lecture on the week's topic — the problems of dining out. She talked about alternatives, such as requesting diet sodas and dressings, and having meat broiled instead of fried.  Finally she turned the question over to the group for discussion.   "What is the greatest problem you encounter when going out to eat?"   Replied one woman quickly, "Running into you!"


DIET FOR STRESS and HOLIDAY OVEREATING

This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day. . and will reduce overeating !!

Breakfast:
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk

Lunch:
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
l cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon snack:
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream, nuts, cherries and whipped cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce

Dinner:
2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars

Late Evening News:
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

Rules for this Diet
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something sweet and gooey.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. . . Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes; pink grapefruit and ham.
10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories.  This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)

REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS


WHILE home on a break from medical school, my daughter was so busy she seldom sat down to eat a balanced meal. Using all the authority I could muster, I lectured her on the importance of good nutrition, ending my tirade with, "The medical schools should teach our future doctors the importance of a good diet."  Hugging me, my daughter responded, "They don't need to teach us that.  After all, we do have mothers!"


AFTER years of unsuccessful dieting, my sister finally lost a significant amount of weight under a doctor's direction. When her suits began to sag, a co-worker suggested she alter her clothes to fit her new figure.  "Not now," my sister protested. "Let me enjoy the sag for a little while first!"


MY BROTHER, a strict vegetarian, travels abroad for long periods on business. When he got back from Europe one time, he called our parents home and told Dad he was about to pay them an unexpected visit. Dad hung up. "The prodigal son is returning!" he called to my mother. "Kill the fatted zucchini!"


A CO-WORKER whose on-and-off diet of the last five years has yielded no visible results, responded to a compliment on her new haircut with: "It's a desperate attempt to lose weight!"


NEVER a good dieter, my mother was in the "on-again" phase of her "on-again, off-again" diet plan. She loves sweets, and one day I caught her pouring chocolate syrup into a cup. "What are you doing?" I demanded.  "I'm saving calories," she insisted. "I'm eating it without the ice cream."


ALTHOUGH I knew I had put on a few pounds, I didn't consider myself over-weight until the day I decided to clean my refrigerator. I sat on a chair in front of the appliance and reached in to wipe the back wall. While I was in this position, my teenage son came into the kitchen. "Hi, Mom," he said. "Watcha doin', having lunch?"  I started my diet that day.


AT THE diet group my wife attended, emphasis was placed on motivation. Each week the instructor sent her a postcard with an inspirational message based on her continual weight loss. One week, however, my wife gained a pound and we wondered what the message would be. When it came, it was direct and to the point: "I'd like to see less of you next week."


CONVERSATION between two young women: "Brian took me to lunch and we had a salad. Then we split a strawberry yogurt after work. Now he wants me to come to his place for steamed eggplant and broccoli juice."  "If you don't like him, why don't you just tell him no?"  "I can't. I'm losing weight."


AT A potluck dinner with friends, we were admiring the display of food. Talk inevitably swung to eating habits and how much healthier our current high-fibre, low-fat diets were.  Turning to my husband, I asked, "Honey, how do you like al dente vegetables?"  "Cooked," he answered without hesitation.


A DELICIOUS cake was served at my friend's birthday party. Enough was left for two unexpected guests, a portly man and his wife. From the way he eyed the cake, it was obvious the man might yield to our host's insistent invitation.  My curiosity was aroused when the latecomer pulled out his wallet, looked at a picture in it and repeated more firmly, "No, thank you."  I caught a glimpse of the photo. There, in convincing color, was the man some months earlier, almost twice as bulky as he was now.


A FRIEND and I had joined a Weight Watchers group. At the first meeting the lecturer asked members which food or department at the supermarket was the most tempting to them. One man confessed that Chinese egg rolls were his greatest weakness, and a woman said she found it almost impossible to resist anything chocolate.   Finally it was my friend's turn. Taking a deep breath, she announced, "Aisles two, three, four and five."


AN OVERWEIGHT business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess weight. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery. One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffee cake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.   "This is a very special coffee cake," he explained.  "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window was a host of goodies.  I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, 'Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffee cakes, let me have a parking spot directly in front of the bakery.'  "And sure enough," he continued, beaming, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"


ONE day my sister was enjoying a snack when her husband remarked, "You're getting a little broad across the beam." She promptly went on a diet.  A few weeks and several lost pounds later, my brother-in-law commented, "You should stop losing weight. Your face is beginning to look wrinkled."   "George," came the frustrated reply, "you had better make up your mind which part of me you enjoy viewing more - heads or tails."


A ROTUND friend of mine, succumbing to pressure from his family, joined a weight-loss club.  Well into the second week of his enforced regimen, he decided he could no longer hack it.  The club administrator, after exhausting her persuasive talents, told him that the terms of the contract disallowed any refund.  "I'm not worried about the money," said my friend. "If you like you can call it a donation and say that I wish to remain enormous."


AFTER noticing how trim my husband had become, a friend asked me how I had persuaded him to diet. It was then I shared my secret: "I put our teenage son's shorts in his underwear drawer."


TIRED of his extra pounds, my husband went on a diet that included quantities of fish and vegetables. One evening our dinner featured rockfish and cauliflower. When our son discovered a bone in his fish, he asked, "Mom, what should I do with this?"  "Put it someplace where you won't eat it," I replied.  With that, he promptly stuck it in his cauliflower.


AFTER my husband asked me to help him shed some unwanted pounds, I stopped serving fattening TV snacks and substituted crisp celery.  While he was unenthusiastically munching on a stalk one night, a commercial caught his attention.   As he watched longingly, a woman spread gooey chocolate frosting over a freshly baked cake.  When it was over, my husband turned to me. "Did you ever notice," he asked, "that they never advertise celery on TV?"
   

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Last updated September 27, 2015 by Becquet Enterprises