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Computers

   

You have just received the "Saskatchewan Virus".

As we here in Saskatchewan don't have any programming experience, this virus works on the honor system.

Please delete all the files from your hard drive and manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.

Thanks for your cooperation.

Jethro


AVS Forum....Sorry, Page Not Found

Sorry The requested document is totally not here.
No /404 here.,
Even tried multi.
Nothing helped.
I'm really depressed about this.
You see, I'm just a web server...
-- here I am, brain the size of the universe,
trying to serve you a simple web page,
and then it doesn't even exist!
Where does that leave me?!
I mean, I don't even know you.
How should I know what you wanted from me?
You honestly think I can *guess*
what someone I don't even *know*
wants to find here?
*sigh*
Man, I'm so depressed I could just cry.
And then where would we be, I ask you?
It's not pretty when a web server cries.
And where do you get off telling me what to show anyway?
Just because I'm a web server,
and possibly a manic depressive one at that?
Why does that give you the right to tell me what to do?
Huh?
I'm so depressed...
I think I'll crawl off into the trash can and decompose.
I mean, I'm gonna be obsolete in what, two weeks anyway?
What kind of a life is that?
Two effing weeks,
and then I'll be replaced by a .01 release,
that thinks it's God's gift to web servers,
just because it doesn't have some tiddly little
security hole with its HTTP POST implementation, or something.
I'm really sorry to burden you with all this,
I mean, it's not your job to listen to my problems,
and I guess it is my job to go and fetch web pages for you.
But I couldn't get this one.
I'm so sorry.
Believe me!
Maybe I could interest you in another page?
There are a lot out there that are pretty neat, they say,
although none of them were put on *my* server, of course.
Figures, huh?
Everything here is just mind-numbingly stupid.
That makes me depressed too, since I have to serve them,
all day and all night long.
Two weeks of information overload,
and then *pffftt*, consigned to the trash.
What kind of a life is that?
Now, please let me sulk alone.
I'm so depressed.


   A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. As an example..."House," in French, is feminine "la maison." "Pencil," in French, is masculine "le crayon." One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer'?" The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.
   So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
   
   The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
  1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
  2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
  3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval;
  4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
   
   The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:
  1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;
  2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless;
  3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
  4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.


Subject: Wife Update System

   Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog, leaving few system resources for other applications. He is now noticing that Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
   Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3, Bachelor Party 2.5 and Pubnite 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lock up when launched (even though the apps worked fine before).
   Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-Law 55.8 and Brother-in law Beta is unavoidable. Also system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
   Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:

* A "Don't remind me again" button
* Minimize button
* Ability to delete the "headache" file
* An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 1.0 version without loss of the other system resources
* An option to run the network driver in the "promiscuous mode" allowing the system's Hardware Probe to be much more useful / effective.

   I myself wish I had decided to avoid all the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0. Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of Girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first, otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port.
   Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving traces of the application in the system.
   Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0

***VIRUS ALERT***

   All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MS Money files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an "insufficient resources" error message. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and "never" run any file transfer applications (such as Laplink) between the two systems.

FYI: Don't even think about a shared directory!!!!!


Not so long ago...

  • An application was for employment

  • A program was a TV show

  • A cursor used profanity

  • A keyboard was a piano!

  • Memory was something that you lost with age 

  • A CD was a bank account

  • And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy you hoped nobody found out!

  • Compress was something you did to garbage not something you did to a file.

  • And if you unzipped anything in public you'd be in jail for awhile!

  • Log on was adding wood to a fire

  • Hard drive was a long trip on the road

  • A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

  • And a backup happened to your commode!

  • Cut - you did with a pocket knife

  • Paste you did with glue

  • A web was a spider's home

  • And a virus was the flu!

  • I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper and the memory in my head

  • I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash but when it happens they wish they were dead!


ONE DAY, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
  "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
  So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
  That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.  Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results.
  He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results. The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.


Stan stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for his wife.  As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.  "I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch."  The desperate customer turned to Stan and begged, "May I please have those roses?"  "What happened?" Stan asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"  "It's even worse than that," he confided. "I broke my wife's hard drive!"


I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.


Tech Support: "What does the screen say now."
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"


I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something she was thinking of doing. She said, "never mind" and hung up. So I got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure enough, there was 40 cents.


AS A forestry-service employee, my sister recorded the rainfall in her area. One drizzly day, her thoughts were apparently elsewhere as she typed "thirty three inches" instead of "thirty-three hundredths of an inch" into the computer. It was obvious that the machine had been programmed by someone with a sense of humour, for this message quickly appeared on the screen: "Build the ark. Gather the animals two by two. . . ."


A COLLEAGUE was having a hard time operating her desk-top computer. It was apparent that she had reached the end of her patience when she muttered at the screen, "I know one thing. If I had a glass face like you do, I'd sure behave better."


WHEN I landed my first computer programming position, I was thrilled. My husband, Jim, although a stranger to the field, shared my enthusiasm and welcomed me at the door when I arrived home after my first day, inquiring, "What did you do at work today?" He listened intently while I explained in great detail my eight hours of COBOL, binary code and JCL errors. When I arrived home the following night, once again he was waiting at the front door. "So," he greeted me. "What did you have for lunch today?"


I HEARD my husband talking on the telephone to a computer operator: "To get it open, use the proper tool. . . . You did? Then turn it to the left. . . . Oh?  Did you depress the release terminal?   If that doesn't work, use the mussel-mode and call me back." I don't understand the jargon of my husband's computer repair job, but that last phrase intrigued me, so I asked what it meant. "The muscle mode," he said. "You know, pound it, jerk it, any old way you can force it off."


January 1, 2000
Dear Valued Employee:
Re: Vacation Pay

  Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 years.  As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off.  One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service.
  Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay cheque will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.

Sincerely,
Automated Payroll Processing


  BILL GATES dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell.   After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95.  I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
  Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?" St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."    "Fine, but where should I go first?"
  "I'll leave that up to you."
  "Okay then," said Bill, Let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"
  "Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.
  "Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.
  "How's everything going?" he asked Bill. Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening!  What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily clad women playing in the water?!???"
  "That was a demo," replied St. Peter.


AN ACQUAINTANCE of mine applied for a position at McMaster University in Hamilton, Ont., as a computer technician. The interviewer asked him what would be the first thing he would do if he was called to repair a computer. "Check to see if it's plugged in," he replied.


To MEET a project deadline, my computer programmers worked overtime for several weeks. On the final evening, one woman said, "Boss, do you have a copy of the latest tax regulations? There's something I want to look up." "What's that?" I asked. "Use of the office as a home."


MY ACCOUNTANT wanted to change a statement which occurred several times in one of his computer programs so that "TO CUSTOMERS" would read "BY CUSTOMERS" throughout. He fed in the instructions to change "TO" to "BY." Back came the obedient response:  "BY CUSBYMERS."
   

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Last updated October 02, 2015 by Becquet Enterprises