You have just
received the "Saskatchewan Virus".
As we here in Saskatchewan don't have any
programming experience, this virus
works on the honor system.
Please delete all the files from your hard drive and
manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.
Thanks for your cooperation.
AVS Forum....Sorry, Page Not Found
Sorry The requested document is totally not here.
No /404 here.,
Even tried multi.
I'm really depressed about this.
You see, I'm just a web server...
-- here I am, brain the size of the universe,
trying to serve you a simple web page,
and then it doesn't even exist!
Where does that leave me?!
I mean, I don't even know you.
How should I know what you wanted from me?
You honestly think I can *guess*
what someone I don't even *know*
wants to find here?
Man, I'm so depressed I could just cry.
And then where would we be, I ask you?
It's not pretty when a web server cries.
And where do you get off telling me what to show anyway?
Just because I'm a web server,
and possibly a manic depressive one at that?
Why does that give you the right to tell me what to do?
I'm so depressed...
I think I'll crawl off into the trash can and decompose.
I mean, I'm gonna be obsolete in what, two weeks anyway?
What kind of a life is that?
Two effing weeks,
and then I'll be replaced by a .01 release,
that thinks it's God's gift to web servers,
just because it doesn't have some tiddly little
security hole with its HTTP POST implementation, or something.
I'm really sorry to burden you with all this,
I mean, it's not your job to listen to my problems,
and I guess it is my job to go and fetch web pages for you.
But I couldn't get this one.
I'm so sorry.
Maybe I could interest you in another page?
There are a lot out there that are pretty neat, they say,
although none of them were put on *my* server, of course.
Everything here is just mind-numbingly stupid.
That makes me depressed too, since I have to serve them,
all day and all night long.
Two weeks of information overload,
and then *pffftt*, consigned to the trash.
What kind of a life is that?
Now, please let me sulk alone.
I'm so depressed.
A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French,
nouns unlike their English counterparts are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. As an example..."House," in French, is
feminine "la maison." "Pencil," in French, is masculine "le crayon." One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer'?" The teacher did
not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.
So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough,
by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or
feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the
feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
Subject: Wife Update System
Last year a friend of mine upgraded from
Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog, leaving few system resources
for other applications. He is now noticing that Wife 1.0 is also spawning
which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon
was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this
is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at
system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications
such as PokerNite 10.3, Bachelor Party 2.5 and Pubnite 7.0 are no longer able to run on
the system at all, causing the system to lock up when launched (even though the apps
worked fine before).
Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of
undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-Law 55.8 and Brother-in law Beta is unavoidable. Also
system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:
* A "Don't remind me again" button
* Minimize button
* Ability to delete the "headache" file
* An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 1.0 version without loss of the
other system resources
* An option to run the network driver in the "promiscuous mode" allowing the
system's Hardware Probe to be much more useful / effective.
I myself wish I had decided to avoid all the
headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0. Even here, however, I
have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of
Girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first, otherwise the two versions of
Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port.
Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should
have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2. To make matters
worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving traces of
the application in the system.
Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying
little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0
All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an
undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife
1.0 will delete MS Money files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens,
Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an "insufficient resources" error
message. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different
system and "never" run any file transfer applications (such as
the two systems.
FYI: Don't even think about a shared
Not so long ago...
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy you hoped nobody found
Compress was something you did to garbage not something you
did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public
you'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
and the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash but when it
happens they wish they were dead!
ONE DAY, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike
behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the
corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and
costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to
the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the
slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and
avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results. The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Stan stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up
roses for his wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst
through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses. "I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This
man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to Stan and begged,
"May I please have those roses?" "What happened?" Stan asked. "Did you
forget your wedding anniversary?" "It's even worse than that," he confided.
"I broke my wife's hard drive!"
I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the
life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now."
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"
I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators called me and asked
if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins into the openings of her PC.
I asked her if this was something she was thinking of doing. She said, "never
mind" and hung up. So I got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her
CPU case and sure enough, there was 40 cents.
AS A forestry-service employee, my sister recorded the rainfall in her area. One
drizzly day, her thoughts were apparently elsewhere as she typed "thirty three
inches" instead of "thirty-three hundredths of an inch" into the computer.
It was obvious that the machine had been programmed by someone with a sense of
this message quickly appeared on the screen: "Build the ark. Gather the animals two
by two. . . ."
A COLLEAGUE was having a hard time operating her desk-top computer. It was apparent
that she had reached the end of her patience when she muttered at the screen, "I know
one thing. If I had a glass face like you do, I'd sure behave better."
WHEN I landed my first computer programming position, I was thrilled. My husband, Jim,
although a stranger to the field, shared my enthusiasm and welcomed me at the door when I
arrived home after my first day, inquiring, "What did you do at work today?" He
listened intently while I explained in great detail my eight hours of COBOL, binary code
and JCL errors. When I arrived home the following night, once again he was waiting at the
front door. "So," he greeted me. "What did you have for lunch today?"
I HEARD my husband talking on the telephone to a computer
operator: "To get it open, use the proper tool. . . . You did? Then turn it to the
left. . . . Oh? Did you depress the release terminal? If that doesn't work,
use the mussel-mode and call me back." I don't understand the jargon of my husband's
computer repair job, but that last phrase intrigued me, so I asked what it meant.
"The muscle mode," he said. "You know, pound it, jerk it, any old way you
can force it off."
January 1, 2000
Dear Valued Employee:
Re: Vacation Pay
Our records indicate that you have not
used any vacation time over the past 100 years. As I'm sure you are aware,
employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One
additional week is granted for every 5 years of service.
Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay
cheque will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for
the past 1,200 months.
Automated Payroll Processing
BILL GATES dies in a car accident. He finds himself in
purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this
call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously
helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created
that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your
case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?" St. Peter
said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your
decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?"
"I'll leave that up to you."
"Okay then," said Bill, Let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell.
It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini
running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining;
the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great!" he told St.
Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"
"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the
clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as
enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm.
I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.
"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went
to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he
was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst
hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going?" he asked Bill. Bill responded, with his voice
filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell
I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that
other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily clad women playing in the
"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.
AN ACQUAINTANCE of mine applied for a position at McMaster
University in Hamilton, Ont., as a computer technician. The interviewer asked him what
would be the first thing he would do if he was called to repair a computer. "Check to
see if it's plugged in," he replied.
To MEET a project deadline, my computer programmers worked
overtime for several weeks. On the final evening, one woman said, "Boss, do you have
a copy of the latest tax regulations? There's something I want to look up."
"What's that?" I asked. "Use of the office as a home."
MY ACCOUNTANT wanted to change a statement which occurred
several times in one of his computer programs so that "TO CUSTOMERS" would read
"BY CUSTOMERS" throughout. He fed in the instructions to change "TO"
to "BY." Back came the obedient response: "BY CUSBYMERS."