A YOUNG woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to
her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism
is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has
decided to be different.
"Because I'm not an atheist."
Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a Christian."
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian.
"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly.
"What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
She paused, and smiled. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be an atheist."
A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they
could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of
the human experience could be found there. After the service, he was approached by a
woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS." The preacher
replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it. The
following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and said PMS is in
the Bible, he showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the
way to Bethlehem."
Making Money for the Church
Father Murphy was a priest in a very poor
parish and asked for suggestions as to how he could raise money for the church. He was
told that the horse owner always had money, so he went to the horse auction, but made a
very poor buy, as the horse turned out to be a donkey.
However, he thought he might as well enter
the donkey in a race. The donkey came in third, and the next morning, the headlines in the
FATHER MURPHY'S ASS SHOWS
The Archbishop saw the paper and was greatly
displeased. The next day, the donkey came in first and the headlines read:
FATHER MURPHY'S ASS OUT IN FRONT
The Archbishop was up in arms. Something had
to be done. Father Murphy had entered the donkey again and it had come in second. The
FATHER MURPHY'S ASS BACK IN PLACE
This was too much for the Archbishop, so he
forbade the priest to enter the donkey in any more races. The headlines then read:
ARCHBISHOP SCRATCHES FATHER MURPHY'S ASS
Finally, the Archbishop ordered Father Murphy
to get rid of the donkey. He was unable to sell it, so he gave it to Sister Agatha for a
pet. The Archbishop ordered her to dispose of the animal at once. She sold it for ten
dollars. Next day, the headlines read:
SISTER AGATHA PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN DOLLARS
They buried the Archbishop three days later.
WHEN stores in the Edmonton area began opening for Sunday shopping, one local church
posted a large electric sign on the lawn: YES! WE ARE OPEN SUNDAYS, TOO! 9:00
AND 11:15 A.M.
A man who went to Church with his wife always
fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and one
Sunday took a long hat pin along to poke him with it every time he would doze off.
As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out ". . . and who
created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th?" she poked her husband, who
came flying out of the pew and screamed "Good God all mighty".
The minister said "That's right, that's right" and went on with his
sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath, and later began to doze off
again when the minister got to ". . . and who died on the cross to save us from our
sins?" the wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted "Jesus Christ".
The Minister said "That's right, that's Right" and went on with his
The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got
to ". . . and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child?"
the wife started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said "If you stick that
damn thing in me again I'll break it off!"
A young nun, after saying her morning prayers in the
church, decided to take a short cut back to the Convent through the woods. As she
was walking through the woods, a man jumped out from behind some bushes and accosted
her. She ran into the Convent and went directly to the Mother Superior. The
young nun said "Mother Superior, Mother Superior, I took a short cut through the
woods when a man jumped out of the bushes and had his way with me!" The Mother
Superior calmly said, "The first thing I want you to do is to go to the kitchen and
get a lemon and slice it in half, then I want you to suck all the lemon juice out of both
lemon halves." The nun replied, "Mother Superior, will that keep me from
getting pregnant?" The Mother Superior replied, "No, but it will wipe that
smile off your face."
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral
of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell-ringer was
needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went
up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several
applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man
approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell-ringers job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man, "Observe!" He then began
striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The
bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable
replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless
man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street
The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd
had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only
moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them
asked, "Bishop, who was this man?'' "I don't know his name," the
bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the
unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for
the bell-ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your
am the twin brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very
belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's twin
brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his
chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this
second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened?",
the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?"
"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but
he's a dead ringer for his brother."
A nun was sitting at a window in her convent one day. . .
when she was handed a letter from home. Upon opening it a $10 bill dropped out. She was
most pleased at receiving the gift from her home folks, but as she read the letter her
attention was distracted by the actions of a shabbily dressed stranger who was leaning
against a post in front of the convent.
She couldn't get him off her mind and,
thinking that he might be in financial difficulties, she took the $10 bill and wrapped it
in a piece of paper, on which she had written, "Don't despair, Sister
and threw it out of the window to him. He picked it up, read it, looked at her with a
puzzled expression, tipped his hat and went off down the street.
The next day she
was in her cell saying her beads when she was told that some man was at her door who
insisted on seeing her. She went down and found the shabbily dressed stranger
waiting for her. Without saying a word he handed her a roll of bills. When she asked what
they were for he replied, "That's the sixty bucks you have coming. Don't
Despair paid 5-1."
WHILE renovating and expanding their facilities, a local
church congregation worked feverishly to beat the three-month deadline they had set. The
church secretary noted the steady progress in the Sunday bulletin, and the pastor praised
the members of his flock. Applying a coat of finish to the new woodwork was his
contribution to the project. A misprint in the bulletin provided the congregation with a
good laugh: "Even our pastor has been pitching in to help. We thank him for vanishing
all week so much more work could be accomplished!"
WHEN our son-in-law was a Methodist seminary student, he
served one period as an intern minister in a small Idaho town. During the absence of the
resident minister he was asked to perform a funeral service for a devoted Baptist, because
the Baptist minister was also out of town. Our son- in-law conducted the service, then
began to worry if he had done the correct thing. When the resident minister returned, the
young man asked if he had violated any church policy by performing a burial service for a
Baptist. "Heck, no," his boss assured him. "Bury all the Baptists you
MY HUSBAND, a minister, has a file folder marked
"Weddings." One day he lost it and looked everywhere for it. Then he went back
to check if the folder had been misfiled. And there it was, plainly labeled
"Weldings." The round part of the first "d" had worn away. He left the
folder that way because it seemed so appropriate.
THIS story goes back to the time Michelangelo was in Rome. He
was perched atop a rickety scaffold, and as he held out his arm, to make a brushstroke, he
trembled and dropped the brush. He looked down to see it fall and then pronounced a
"Well, I'll be. . ." phrase that echoed throughout the chapel, much to the
dismay of a nun who was walking by. Michelangelo made the long, tedious climb down
to retrieve the brush. As he bent to pick it up, the nun said, "Michelangelo, you
shouldn't swear. Always say, 'Heaven saves', instead." Michelangelo nodded and climbed
to the ceiling to continue his work. This time, as he leaned far out, his ladder leaned
with him almost to the point of toppling. He was about to repeat the forbidden phrase when
he remembered what the nun told him and said "Heaven saves." The ladder
immediately swung back into position, preventing his fall. That's when the nun looked up
and, seeing what had happened, exclaimed, "Well, I'll be . . . "
FATHER Theodore Mesburgh, president of the University of
Notre Dame, was the guest on Dick Cavett's TV show. Cavett asked Mesburgh if he thought
practicing birth control was a mortal sin. "I hope not," replied
"I've been practicing it for years."
FROM the doctor's clinic, my son, Dean, called to say the
lens-implant surgery in his sightless eye had failed, but it was to be redone. The next
day he called to say the second surgery had been successful. Months later I learned
from my cousin that Dean's doctor always asked his patients, prior to surgery, if they
would like him to pray with them. Curious, I asked Dean if the doctor had asked him if he
wanted to pray. "Yes," was all he offered. "Well?" I
prodded. "Did you say yes?" Silence. I waited, nodding expectantly.
Slowly a sheepish grin spread across Dean's face. "The first time, no; the
second time, yes."
A MEMBER of our church choir arrives every Sunday morning
with her six children in tow, all a bit rumpled but never-the-less on time. Scarcely able
to get my one child ready, I asked how she managed her brood so efficiently.
"Easy," she replied with a smile. "I dress them the night before!"
AT ONE church's annual bazaar, the highlight is always a
tall-tale contest. A few years back the lies grew wilder and more hilarious as the evening
wore on. But the judges' unanimous vote went to my friend, who said in a quiet voice,
"In my house, I have two flashlights and two sons - and they all work."
ONE Sunday morning we were all surprised to find the
president of our congregation at the pulpit. He explained that the pastor had the flu, and
had called him on Saturday to ask him to conduct the worship service. "After
agreeing to do it," the man said, "I began to panic at the thought of preparing
a talk on such short notice. The panic subsided when I remembered those comforting words,
'Ask and ye shall receive.' " He paused a moment before adding, "But, as
you can see, I didn't catch the flu, and I still had to come here this morning."
A SOUP-AND-CHEESE get-together after morning service was not
wholly a social event. It also provided an opportunity to distribute a leaflet appealing
to the congregation to give more money to church missions. I looked up from my chowder and
cheddar to be told by the parishioner handing out the leaflet, "Sorry, there's no
such thing as a free lunch."
TWO soldiers on leave in Copenhagen went to church one
Sunday. Not knowing the Danish language, they imitated everything the congregation did.
When people stood, they stood; when people sat, they sat. When, after a question asked by
the clergyman, the man in front of them stood up, they stood up. The whole congregation
burst into uncontrollable laughter. A baby was about to be baptized and the minister had
asked the father to stand up.
A COUPLE was leaving church after Sunday services. "Did
you see that designer suit on the woman in front of us?" the wife asked. "And
the hat on that woman across the aisle? And the frilly blue dress on the woman sitting to
your left?" "Well, no," the husband confessed. "I'm afraid I
dozed off." She gave him a sharp look. "A lot of good church does
AT A summer wedding, the tiny church was exceptionally hot
and humid. The minister said he realized we were all very uncomfortable and he would keep
his remarks short, yet he was extremely long-winded. My husband removed his suit
jacket in an effort to cool off. Then he loosened his tie and unbuttoned his vest. Very
soon the vest joined the jacket. Shortly after that, he unbuttoned his shirt cuffs in
preparation for rolling the sleeves. That's when the minister noticed. He cleared his
throat and quickly ended his speech. As we left the church, an elderly woman patted
my husband on the back and said, "Well done, young man. Do you mind if I use that
trick next Sunday?"
WE WERE all lined up for our first confession when little
Johnny's turn came. The priest asked him to confess his sins, and the boy promptly
replied "Father, I threw a stone at Zezinho's head." "That was a very
misguided thing to do, my son," said the priest. "It wasn't misguided at
all, Father. I hit him full on the forehead."
IN OUR town of Neepawa, Man., God wants His presence felt.
One night, during a band competition in the church, a storm hit. When the last band had
finished playing, one of the judges went to the podium to announce the winner and said,
"That was the best band I've ever heard!" Just then the brightest flash of
lightning we'd seen all evening lit up the sky, followed by the loudest peal of thunder
we'd heard. It shook the church like a sonic boom. It was a subdued adjudicator who
looked upward and said, "Well, ah, um . . . maybe not."
ONE Sunday our pastor, knowing that many members of the
congregation were out of work and broke, put a hundred dollars in one-and five-dollar
bills into a wicker basket. Explaining that the money was from the church's benevolent
fund, he said, "I'm going to do something I have never done before in my
ministry." With that, he passed the basket of money to the congregation, urging those
in need to take from it, without shame. They did, but when the basket was returned,
it contained $67 more than it had when it started out.
AT A church council dinner, my mother and father were seated
at the same table as the pastor. Near the end of the meeting, the pastor stood up to offer
a few closing remarks, which became quite long-winded. As he rambled on, he lost his place
in his notes for the third time. "Now where was I?" he asked, scratching his
beard. To the delight of audience and speaker alike, my mother spoke up and said,
OUR church was looking for a new minister, and the selection
committee finally recommended a young man just out of seminary. Many of the older church
members protested that a more experienced man would have been preferable. Committee
members responded with the argument that a younger minister might breathe some fresh life
into the congregation. At the end of the meeting I commented to an older man that
this marked the beginning of better things for our church. "Yes," he said with a
wry smile. "Moving on to greener pastors."
OUR church choir was raising money to attend a music
competition and decided to have a car wash. To our dismay, after a busy morning, the rain
began pouring down in mid-afternoon, and the customers stopped coming. Finally one of the
women printed this poster: WE WASH, (and with an arrow pointed skyward) HE RINSES!
Business was soon booming once again.
OUR preacher had tried unsuccessfully to get the members of
our small congregation to sit in the front rows instead of scattered at the back. Nothing
seemed to work, even roping off the last four rows with a sign that read, "For
mothers with small children." One day he came up with the right solution when he
announced the last pews were "reserved for lost souls."
A FEW years ago our sales manager invited my wife and me to
his son's Bar Mitzvah. We arrived a little late at the synagogue and were seated beside a
man who sensed we were unfamiliar with the service.
The man opened a prayer book for me, with English on one page
and Hebrew on the other, and indicated where the rabbi was reading in the text.
"These are the laws of Moses," he whispered. I
nodded, but perhaps did not look too sure, for he repeated, "Moses." I nodded
again and as I was about to thank him, he nudged me gently with his elbow and said,
"Moses. You know - Charlton Heston."