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Battle of the Sexes

   

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"
   


Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Becky," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I . . . I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky.
"Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I . . . I slept with your Sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your Mother!
I know" Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you.
   


   There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
   One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving a perfect car along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.
   Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
   Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman.

She's the only one that really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.


A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one.  Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.  After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man.  That's interesting.  I'm a woman. . . Wow!  Just look at our cars.  There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.  This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."  The man replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!"  The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle.  My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.  Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."  Then she hands the bottle to the man.  The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then handing it back to the woman.  The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.  The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"  The woman replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police. . ."


JACK was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question. "Will you marry me, darling?" he asked.   She smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."   Jack thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on one condition."   "What is that?" she asked.  "You'll have to clean the cage," he replied.


This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home.  He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour."  "Perfect," she replies.  The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before.  He takes the Viagra and waits.  Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?  She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."  The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice.  "What should I do?" he asks.   The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it.  Do you have a housekeeper around?"  "Yes" the man replied.  "Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.  The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper. . ."


A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes.  When he gets to the store he finds out, however, that it's closed.  So the guy ends up going down to the local bar to use the vending machine.  While there he has a few beer and begins talking to this beautiful girl.   He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he knows it's 3:00 AM.  "Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"  She got him some and he rubbed it all over his hands.  When he got home his wife was up waiting for him and she was furious. "Where the hell have you been!"  He said, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her."  "Let me see your hands!" she demanded. He showed his wife his powdery hands. "Damn liar, You were out bowling again!"


One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in a tiny town got up early and went to the local church.  Before the service started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.
   Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the church except for one elderly man who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
   This confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Hey!   Don't you know who I am?"  The man replied, "Yep, sure do."   Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"  "Nope, sure ain't," said the man.  Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "I've been married to your sister for 50 years."


  There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but never able to save any money to do so. One day they came with an idea -- each time they have sex, they will put $20.00 bill into piggy bank. They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year. After that time, they decided that there is enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank.
  The husband looked at their savings and said: "Isn't it strange. Each time we had sex, I put $20.00 into piggy. But here we have many $50.00 and a few $100.00 bills."  The wife replied: "Do you think that everybody is as stingy as you are?"


  A woman's husband was watching a football game and she was bored. So she went outside and decided to pick up trash in the yard.  After a while the husband came outside and was watching her work when he said, "you know, your butt is as big as that Barbecue grill."
  She didn't say anything, she just kept working. That night he crawled into bed and she turned her back to him and he ask her what was wrong didn't she want to have sex with him? 
  And she said:  "Why should I fire up this big old Barbecue grill for just one little weenie like that!!"


A wife suspected that her husband was having an affair with the maid. She thought of a plan to take him by surprise.  One Friday she told the maid to take the day off and that night she went into the maid's room, switched off all the lights and, in pitch darkness, slipped into the bed. Sure enough at midnight, there were footsteps and a figure opened the door and slipped into the maid's bed beside her.   After a few passionate kisses, the wife suddenly switched on the lights and asked, "Surprised?"  "I sure am, ma'am!" stammered the chauffeur.


  An old lady was lying on her death bed and her husband was sitting by her side when the wife turned to her husband and said, "I have to tell you something. In my underwear drawer is a black box. Look in it and come back to me and tell me what you see. So the husband went home and looked in the box and found 50,000 dollars and 3 eggs.
  The next day the husband went back to his wife and said he had found 50,000 dollars and 3 eggs, and then he asked what the money and eggs where for. The wife replied, "Each time we made love and I was disappointed I put 1 egg in the box."
  The husband smiled because there were so few eggs in the box, but his wife quickly noticed the smile out of the corner of her eye and said, "Every time I collected 1 dozen eggs I would sell them in the market and put the money in the black box."


THE first job I had after college required frequent business trips.  Much to my dismay, my 45-year-old boss arranged our schedules so that we often traveled together.  Worse, whenever we entered a restaurant, he would pretend that I was his date, calling me "honey" or "dear" in front of the waiters.  At first I kept silent - then, growing increasingly annoyed, I decided to put a stop to his antics.  When the maitre d' came forward to seat us at one restaurant, my boss asked me, "Sugar, where do you want to sit?"   "Anywhere suits me, Daddy," I replied.


  A FRIEND of mine is one of today's working mothers. After coming home from teaching school, she juggles her remaining time among three young sons, household chores and extracurricular activities. One day, after participating in a 4-H project, we walked wearily into her house. As she passed her husband, she gave him a hug and said, "I really love you."
  He grinned and asked, "How much?"
  "Let me count the ways," she said, dropping into a chair. "The way you washed that tubful of dirty jeans. The way you ran the dishwasher. The way you picked up the boys from the baby-sitter's. But especially the way you stand by me instead of just sitting down."


  I WAS glancing over the cover of a women's magazine I'd just bought. One title caught my eye: "Men's Secret Fear About Their Working Wives." I decided to get a first hand account. "What's your innermost fear about my working?" I asked my husband.
  "That you'll quit," he promptly replied.


  MY HUSBAND retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals. Tired of it after several months, I said, "I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch."  "Fair enough. From now on I'll make my own," he replied.  A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him afterwards. "We could have lunch at that Japanese restaurant we both like," he suggested. I happily agreed.  At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order.  My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes. "Separate checks, please," he said.


  THE wife had become so domineering that her husband insisted she see a psychiatrist. The wife consented, and the couple went to a doctor. The husband waited outside, and when his spouse emerged after the hour-long session, he asked, "Did you make any progress?"  "Not much," she replied. "It took me fifty minutes to convince that man that his couch would look better against the wall."


  I AM a consultant at a clinic in a metropolitan hospital. We need only a part-time secretary whose job consists of typing and arranging appointments. When our secretary decided to continue her studies on a full-time basis, she arranged to have her husband, a psychology student, take over her job. During the summer she trained him to assume her secretarial tasks.  When he officially started working for the service, our director introduced him formally at a meeting. "I'd like you to meet Mr. Jones, our new administrative assistant. He will be replacing our secretary, Mrs. Jones."


TWO women were chatting and one asked the other,
"Mabel, do you talk to your husband while you're having passionate intercourse?"
Mabel answered, "Heavens No! Why would you want to make a phone call at a time like that?"


   A middle aged couple is watching TV when a TV Evangelist comes on and promises to heal the sick.
   "If only you would pray with Him, place your right hand in the air, and place your left hand on the afflicted area, the Almighty Lord will heal you."
   So the man places his right hand in the air and his left hand on his crotch and his wife says "Gee honey he said heal the sick, not raise the dead!


GIRL : When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy : It's very kind of you, darling. But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl : Well that's because we aren't married yet.


A HUSBAND is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts...
Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily. "fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
"Fix the steps? Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!" So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd all this get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake." 
He said, "So what kind of cake did you bake him?" she replied, "Hellooooo........do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?" 
   

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Last updated September 27, 2015 by Becquet' Enterprises