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Alcohol

 

A man goes into a bar and orders three beers at the same time. Bartender serves him. This practice is repeated every night for many nights and finally the barkeep questions the man about the practice of three beers. He explains that every night at the same time his two brothers do the same at their local bar. He further explains that the first beer is for his brother Bill in Boston, the second his for the brother in New York and the last is his. After several years, night after night, one night he orders only two beers, and as the bartenders is serving him he offers his regrets upon the death of one of his brothers, obviously the reason for only two beers. The patron thanks him for his concern, but he explains that he had decided to stop drinking.


   After a night of drinking a man stumbles out of the bar to look for his car. Unable to find it he sees a police officer.
   "Orficcer" he slurrs. "There was a car at the end of this key"
   "You're too drunk remember to where it is. Secondly you're lucky you can't find it because you're too drunk to drive. Call a cab and come back when you've sobered up. By the way your fly is open."
   The drunk looks down at his zipper, and stutters "God dammit someone stole my girlfriend too."


   A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye."
   The bartender says, "Yeah, right!  I've never seen anyone do that!"
   So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it. The angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks away.
   He comes back half an hour later and says, "I bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left eye."
   Now the bartender becomes really skeptical. She says, "I just saw you walk in here -- you can't be blind!"
   So he takes out his fake teeth and bites his left eye. The bartender pays him his money and he walks away.
   Half an hour later he returns to the bar. "I'm going to give you a chance to win your money back. I bet you one hundred dollars that I can pee in a glass fifteen feet away."
   The bartender knows that this is impossible, so she agrees to the bet and puts a glass exactly fifteen feet away. The man stands on the bar and pees everywhere but the glass. He happily pays a smiling bartender one hundred dollars.
   Bewildered, the bartender asks the man why he is so happy. He replies, "I bet that man over there one thousand dollars that I could pee all over your bar and you'd be happy as hell."


   THREE GUYS are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!"
   Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
   Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"
   Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
   Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"
   Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!


   A POLICE OFFICER pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
   The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
   "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
   "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
   "Well, then, we need a urine sample."
   "I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
   "All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
   "I can't do that, officer."
   "Why not?"
   "Because I'm drunk."


Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom, I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late."

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'How about a little?' and she pretends that she's asleep!"


A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.  A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the whole bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. "What's all the screaming about in there?  You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!"


A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."


An inebriated man got on the double-decker bus my father drove in England and sat in the bottom deck close to Dad. He started rambling on and on, so Dad suggested he sit upstairs. "The air is cleaner up there and you'll get a better view." The man agreed, but returned a few minutes later. "What's wrong?" Dad asked. "Don't you like it better up there?" "It's fine," the drunk said. "But it's too dangerous: There's no driver!"


As A member of a group of admitted alcoholics, I am dedicated to helping others achieve sobriety. One night, we got a call from the landlady of a transients' hotel. Would someone come talk to a man lying drunk in one of the rooms? Two of us went. When we reached the hotel, we were led to a squalid little room where a grizzled oldster lay on the bed in a stupor. My partner patiently talked to the semiconscious form on the bed. He explained that he had once been a hopeless drunk — but that by turning his life and will over to a Higher Power, he had gained both sobriety and serenity. "I'm leaving my card," my partner said. "I'd like you to attend a meeting at this address." At our next meeting, a shaky but sober young man came up to us. "Thank you for coming to the hotel that night," he said. "You saved my life." We stared in astonishment. "That old man on the bed wasn't you," my partner said. "That's right," the young man said, holding out the card we had left. "But I heard every word you said. I was under the bed."


MY WIFE had been a public-safety communications operator on the graveyard shift for only a few months when she received a call from a very frightened and intoxicated citizen. He and some friends had been out celebrating all night. Now he was alone and lost-somewhere near a large body of water. "Are there any houses nearby?" my wife asked the man. "Yes," he replied. "Go and stand in front of the nearest one. and sing-very loudly," my wife instructed. "A police officer will be along shortly." He did. And there was.


  A guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to tick his wife off for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife.  Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story, "Wow, that's awful, what did you do?"  "Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and hi-tailed it back here, shoot, they were just getting started, so I figure, I got time for a couple more beers."


  ONE night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
  Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.
  The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.  The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."


THE proprietor of a bar in our town keeps a sensitive plant (Mimosa pudica) on his premises. When this plant is touched, the leaves fold and the stems droop. Recovery is prompt, and the action can be repeated endlessly without harm to the plant. When the bartender feels a customer has had too much to drink, he gives him an "alcohol-sensitive test" by having him touch the plant. He warns that if the plant wilts when it is touched, the drinker should not drive. The inebriated patron is usually so startled by the plant's action that he willingly calls a cab.


  A MAN in western attire went into a bar and asked for 30 martinis in a bucket. "What?" questioned the bartender. "Why would you want so many martinis?"
  "My horse likes them," replied the cowboy, "and he's tied to a parking meter out front dying of thirst. I want to surprise him."
  So the bartender got busy and came up with a bucket of martinis. "If you don't mind," he said, "I'd like to see this boozing horse with my own eyes."
  "Be my guest," said the customer, and the two went outside and placed the bucket by the horse, who drank deeply.
  "Darnedest thing I ever saw," said the bartender. "Why don't you come back in and I'll mix you a few on the house."
  "No, I couldn't do that," said the man. "But thanks anyway."
  "What's the matter?" asked the bartender. "Don't you like martinis?"
  "Love'em," replied the cowboy, "but I gotta drive."


  This big rough lookin' cowboy walks into the bar. He orders up bottle after bottle of rott-gutt liquor and proceeds to get really wasted... In the process he manages to anger just about everyone in the bar by being offensive and rude and being a big obnoxious fool. . .
  Finally he finishes up his 5th bottle and decides he's had just about enough. He proceeds to get up and swagger out of the bar. He gets outside to untie his horse from the post and he notices someone has painted his horses balls a real bright shade of yellow. This pisses him off immensely so he proceeds to blow back into the bar, slamming the doors open and yelling out at the top of his lungs. "JUST WHO IN THE SAM-HELL PAINTED MY HORSES BALLS YELLOW!!!!"
  After everyone in the bar rustles around a bit, a guy in the back of the bar stands up. This guy is HUGE, at least 6'10'' tall, pure muscle... He says to the cowboy, "I did, so what do you got to say about it, boy!!!"
  The cowboy looks back at this guy and says "Oh, I was going to let you know the first coat of paint is dry."


  WHILE I was sitting in a crowded tavern one night, a large, gruff man sat down on the stool beside mine. Picking up an ashtray, he began to pound it on the bar.  The barmaid, with three mugs of beer in each hand, acknowledged him, stating she would be right there. But he continued his loud pounding. The barmaid went over to the cash register, wrote something on a piece of paper and laid it in front of the man. "You'll have to wait until your number is called," she said.  I glanced to see the number 567 boldly written on the paper. She then turned to the other patrons, and in a loud voice called out, "Who has No. 1?"


  OUR friends, Blaine and Florence, attend choir practice Wednesday evenings and often head for a restaurant afterwards with their fellow choir members. Florence soon noticed that every time she had a glass of wine, it was followed by a severe migraine headache. Blaine agreed with her that it might be better if she abstained, and so she did.
  On one post choir occasion, however, Florence decided, after some hesitation, to order a glass of wine. Sometime passed with no untoward consequences. Then she waved happily across the big table where her colleagues all sat and announced in a loud voice, "Blaine, I don't have a headache tonight!"


  I HAD a prim female Scottish relative who was adamant in her belief that alcohol should be consumed in extreme moderation, if at all. Once when she was visiting a male relative known to enjoy his whiskey, he good-naturedly tried to cajole her all evening to join him in a drink. She consistently and firmly declined until he asked, "Won't ye have a wee dram just to be sociable?"  She acceded, but insisted it just be a "small, sociable" drink. He poured a very small amount into a glass. She took the glass, held it up, looked at it, then turned to him and said, "Well, I'd like t' be a wee bit more sociable than that!"
   

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Last updated October 02, 2015 by Becquet Enterprises